Let's Play Sword Art Online!
by GrimRangerLock3001
Summary: Hello, viewers and readers! Welcome to the first Let's Play of Sword Art Online! The world of swords has finally come, and I'll be in my avatar as the swordsman I choose to be! I raise my sword to Aincrad! Comment(review), subscribe to(follow), and like(favorite) this series if you kindly would. Let's Play! (WARNING: Swearing, trolling, bulls***, probably insane Let's Player, etc.)
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Welcome to the SAO Let's Play!

[?'s P.O.V., _10/31/22_ | _5:11 p.m._]

"HELL YEAH! I got a NerveGear, suckas!" I yelled after opening up the box on the counter, raising it for the entire world to see through my roof. If it had X-ray vision, that is.

This is the day I've been waiting for since I've found the pre-order ad a couple weeks ago while browsing through my fanfic – I mean – super important articles necessary for my high school project. Yeah, I totally didn't stay up until 6:30 a.m. finishing it up after completing the 51-chapter _Unseperable Sparks _story. But, the hype is really building up for the new VR game _Sword Art Online_. It's just like that time Uncle Vic made that Little Johnny game on Game Dev Tycoon. This is totally worth.

Well, now I got a couple hours before I have to go out candy-raiding with T, so before that I'll install my equipment into this thing. I'll need to add my recording stuff, my Wi-Fi hotspot, wireless upload device, an extra processor just in case, and my song playlists because I like playing with my music on, and the etceteras. Always need dem etceteras. Taking my stuff and tools out, I took out the casing of the VR helmet and was about to begin my work until …

"SON OF A BITCH!" I yelled again, this time in pain as rays of heat left my hands burning in extreme pain. I rushed to the kitchen sink putting on the coldest water to wash the ten sizzling fried sausages called my fingers.

"What the fuck is wrong with you little Japanese brain toaster helmet?" I muttered, before sighing in relief with the ice cubes in my hands after pulling some from my refrigerator. First thing, it's a gift of the game tech gods; next thing, it tries fried HUMAN fingers. It just lost the whole battery, like what the hell? It got its charger on. Should be full in a couple hours. Damn, painful glitches are a glitch – I mean – bitch. Heheh, punny.

"Anh Hai! Come on! We're about to go!" my little sister called out. T, I was just about to work goddammit.

Dashing up and down the stairs throwing the stuff inside my room (except for the NerveGear. I handled it with care in the protection of a towel. It's the _preciousss_), I finally caught up to my sister waiting at the front in her costume.

Slapping me on the shoulder, she gave a barely visible glare, "Anh Haiiiii, we have to hurry! You're like a koala sometimes!"

"Hey, I gotta clean up my stuff, okay? Gotta do those things before we go."

"Well, Mom and Dad were right about you taking your time in everything. You're going to be lazier than you already are if you keep getting addicted to those games."

"Well, I'm not the only one. Remember who spent the whole summer hogging over a certain Xbox if I remember correctly?"

"Well, at least I don't keep reading all that manga and anime."

"You like them, too! And it's watching anime. Remember? Manga's the graphic novel; anime's the TV series. OH SCREW IT! Let's just go already!" I opened the door and we went outside for the annual night of candy-hoarding, costume-dressing, and fucked-up horror movies.

_Meanwhile …_

The NerveGear was slightly smoking upon activation of its microwaves, and if anyone had a meter to check the room, the rads were coming a BIT up. Just a bit.  
[_9:13 p.m._]

Man, a good bowl of the beefy, noodley goodness right before I'm about to get back to work. Worth because it's so damn good! Time to check out the Microwave Helm of DOOM, aka the NerveGear.

Eh, it looks fine. Looks like it's not going to burn the skin off my limbs again BECAUSE IT BETTER FUCKING NOT. I swear. World War II's over, guys! Come on people, take some appreciation that we made up. Don't be like that, killing Americans with their own means of entertainment by melting our brains to our painful deaths. Bastards, man.

Oh well, gonna start the installation process. (Badass building tech music …)

(Reader sees the NerveGear and behind it the unknown character with a welding mask that suspiciously has three blue, glowing lines as a visor and a plasma cutter. **Wait, what? Nonononono, take that back!**)

(Reader sees the NerveGear and behind it the unknown character taking labored breaths with an iconic black helmet and a red energy sword. **Bitch, hell no.**)

(Reader sees the NerveGear and behind it the unknown character with blue goggles revving the chainsaw blade under the barrel of a large assault rifle. **Goddammit, not that either!**)

(Kay, kay, kay. I got you. Reader sees 15-second action scene with unknown character doing all kinds technical stuff with the NerveGear while blasting K-Pop through the speakers. **You good, bro.**)

_A little more than an hour later …_

Whew. Glad that was over with. Now they're going to launch SAO next week, and according to the betas there are a hundred floors on some weird floating castle. The only way kick ass was by hacking and whacking said ass with only the weapons. Sword Skills, Stats, and Equipment are basically everything. What's going to be my playstyle though? Oh yeah, imagine actually living your entire lives in a world like that, maybe make it the same in every aspect of life … and death. There was that guy 10 years ago with some light novel like that. Some Reki Kawahara guy. Hmm. Meh, think about it tomorrow.

[_11/6/22 _| _4:20 p.m._, _Sword Art Online_ Launch Day]

"_Yume de takaku tonda karada wa /__Donna fuan matotte mo furiharatte iku_ …" I sang softly to myself, shutting the door of my room and turning to my desk. I ate a hearty meal of homemade fettuccini alfredo with mushrooms and chopped up steak, and my homework's done. Tonight I play in Aincrad!

And there it was. The mind portal to another world. The envoy of the beginning of a new age of badassery to be a part of me. The big bro that I never had helping me work towards my dreams. Let's go to work. Turning on my laptop, I sorted out a few things before I had to go.

"Forever log-in of 'Tube account … update every day at 7:30 … commentary … audios … aaaaand YOSH! Sento kaishin!"

After giving the helmet a last once-over, I donned the new tech and turned it on, and I got through the biometric calibrations and stuff. Now taking a couple breaths, I softly said the two words, "Link Start."

Colors. Colors Everywhere. Not a pixel to prevent seizures to a guy's eye pair. Terrible quote, but seriously Akihiko, don't do this to people. Vivid colors are a lot to take in, kind of like your first time smokin' weed. And like that, you're suddenly in fucking heaven a couple seconds later.

I went through the character customization pretty quickly, already having a good idea of my looks. Just like a baby seeing the world at birth, I was reborn while being temporarily blind. Blinking my eyes, I took a breath and it took a bit longer to get it out, sounding like steam coming out of my nostrils and mouth. The landscape, the level design, the people, the whole goddamn world …

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMNNN! This all looks absolutely, freaking GORGEOUS!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, and a couple – fine, several – okay, okay a lot of heads turned at me with a bunch of raised eyebrows. Man, I like living in this place the moment I got here. Don't fuck with my adoration, haters.

I scrolled down my menu, and I inspected my character once again. A bit taller above average height, lightly muscled build, light brown hair with bangs covering my right eye, navy blue eyes, light tan skin, dark green long-sleeved shirt, brown vest, black pants, typical one-handed sword, and that's the works. 275 health at Level 1? That's above average if I remember correctly. The stats …

Strength: 10

Defense: 16

Agility: 9

Dexterity: 3

Luck: 2

"Oh ha ha, I got 765 big ones playing half an hour of gambling with my family. Don't shit on my luck, game," sarcastically muttered to myself, "Now to the abilities …"

One-Handed Sword: 1/1000

Slant: 1/1000

Vertical: 1/1000

Horizontal: 1/1000

Searching: 1/1000

Straining: 1/1000

Acrobatics: 1/1000

Sprint: 1/1000

Extended Weight Limit: 1/1000

I was going to scan through some other stuff, but SOME ASSHOLE forgot to put the English dub on them. What the hell, Kayaba? Now, I have to ask someone for …

"Oh crack on a biscuit!" I noticed the red flashing dot on the corner of the sort of HUD I had. I'm recording already.

"Oh my God! I am so sorry, viewers, for not noticing earlier, but I am VarlancerTheRanger. And, welcome to my Let's Play of _Sword Art Online_!" I said to no one in particular, "As you can see, I have already created my character and you've heard my less family-friendly comments a bit earlier. Sorry. But yes, let's get started on an adventure. No, wait, let's go Tolkien for a minute here. Ahem. _My dear Bilbo, are you ready to go on an __adventure__?_"

I slowly turned around taking in the sight of the houses, players logging in, surprised faces like mine earlier seeing the new world, "Well, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, to say again. Welcome to _Sword Art Online_ …" I attuned in on the music, the sensations, all that good stuff; so I pretty much tried to rip off those _Assassin's Creed_ synchronizations.

"Well, everyone, if you're wonderin' where we are, we are in the Town of Beginnings on the first floor of the floating castle of Aincrad. Aaaand, according to the beta videos I found on the Internet, we should be seeing some fields outside of here with some monsters, so let's get right to it."

I was jogging through the city for 10 minutes, passing by the crowds, marketplace, inns, and finally to the outside. Then, I drew my weapon at the sight of these probably low-level monsters before me, and I just had to unleash a little bit of my inner Crafter.

"Hello, PIGGIES! Die, bacon!" and I was getting it on with the slaughter and my commentary.

"_No other thing'll matter to me. / No other thing but you … / This is the first time I've played a VRMMO! / It's just like 2001 playing Ha-alo / And right now I'm killing these piggies / So you must know! / (oh oh) / I'm in love with SAO!_ Okay, I promise, guys. This will be the last time I ever make a parody off a Brit boy band. Yeah."

My defense appeared to be very good for my level because I barely flinched at the impact of a full charge from those things. Just slashing at them repeatedly while holding them down became the norm for my grinding, and luckily there was a big concentration of piggies to kill where I was at. After some bad imitations of the announcers saying "Killing Spree!", "Quadra Kill!", "Killing Frenzy!", and so on; I checked my window on my abilities.

_Congratulations! You have reached Level 2!_

**Stats**:

Health: 290/290

Strength: 13 (+3)

Defense: 18 (+2)

Agility: 12 (+4)

Dexterity: 5 (+2)

Luck: 2(+0)

**Abilities**:

One-Handed Sword: 69/1000

Slant: 1/1000

Vertical: 1/1000

Horizontal: 1/1000

Searching: 32/1000

Straining: 29/1000

Acrobatics: 25/1000

Sprint: 88/1000

Extended Weight Limit: 46/1000

**Stat Points Available**: 5

**Exp**: 18/1000

"Oh forget you hating on my Luck. Go pick on someone else. Hmm, but I wonder how you level up those Sword Skills? Slant, Vertical, and Horizontal. Post those in the comments if you know how. I haven't even used them yet. It's supposed to be some pose to activate them, right? Also, I want to know where do you want me to put my Stat Point in or even what my playstyle should be. I want to go full tank, actually. Break the strength-agility meta that I'm certain will be coming up late-game. But yeah, post your thoughts in the comments below. Again, I'm back to grinding for the rest of the video, so skip ahead for anything interesting if you kiddies are bored."

I turn my view to two other players killing some hogs, too. One of them had dark blue hair and a lighter blue shirt, and the other one was an orange-haired individual with a red shirt and bandana. They both assumed a stance with their swords over their shoulders and their legs spread slightly apart, and their swords began glowing with power. A moment later, they dashed forward slashing through the monsters shattering them into code. Oh, is that how you do a sword skill?

"Well, everybody, that's one way to do a Sword Skill in SAO 101. Lesson finished."

I clapped at the duo, and they turned to face the applause. We walked towards each other and I nodded my head to both of them before sticking my hand out.

"Hello, great job on the multi-kills, guys."

They both tilted their heads at me before the red one confusedly asked me something in Japanese, I believe. God damn it.

"Darn it," I muttered.

The blue player curiously asked though, "You Amerlican?"

Well, take this T. Anime and manga are good for you, especially in video games. (Vision of T berating me about how bad video games are.) You know what? Forget it.

"Hai," I tried, okay, "Watashi wa Varlancer. Do you have subtitles?" stressing on the last sentence a little bit more clearly. Well, it looked like he got the message, and he opened his menu searching for something in the options, I think. I opened mine as well, and he came by my side pointing at different icons until he started talking to me with the English sub on and the text dubbed.

"Hello, I'm Varlancer, or just call me 'Var'. Arigatou."

"Kirito. Hello to you too."

And the red guy joined in, "And I'm Klein!"

I decided to ask a question, "Nice to meet you all. So … how you guys like it?"

Klein enthusiastically answered, "It's the best thing ever doing all this cool sword stuff. Ha!" thrusting his short sword with a Sword Skill.

Kirito looked at me for a couple seconds and asked something as well, "What level are you?"

"Uh, Level 2 just 5 minutes ago."

He seemed shocked for some reason, "What? So quickly?"

"Well, I just got surrounded by 12 of those pigs after killing what I think was their alpha or something. And I got a killing spree when I outlasted them with the Spin 2 Win."

"Wait, you had the Cyclone Sword Skill?"

"What do you mean? I haven't even tried any of them yet, but it's okay. I know exactly what to do after you dubbed everything. Thanks."

Kirito sweatdropped at the sheer absurdity of this n00b being Level 2 before him, and his face twitched in all kinds of places.

I waved a hand in front of him, "Eh? Kirito-san, daijobou?"

Then Klein looked at me weirdly, "You know Japanese?"

I shrugged and made an eh-eh motion with my hand, "Some bits and pieces I picked up from anime, video games, and manga."

Klein then nodded with a little 'oh', "Well, I need to log out and get my pizza until whauff – ?"

Our blue friend got back to his senses and checked his menu, "What do you mean? It's right – wait where is it?"

"Was this part of the beta, Kirito?"

"No, that can't be."

I tried the Game Masters, "Nothing with the GMs. This is really messed up."

I felt a weird sensation suddenly. If I was Alec Guinness (Yeah, I love some old stuff), I would've said one of his infamous quotes. 'I felt a great disturbance in the Game, as if hundreds of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.'

Then we got TP'd.

[_5:30 p.m._ | _Town of Beginnings_]

What the hell are we doing back here? What's with all the other people, too?

"Uh guys, I don't know what's going on here, but I think this is some weird-as-heck opening event or a cyberterrorist. Vote now," I commented, with sarcasm on the last bit.

Then a giant, red-robed and hooded figure descended from a red sky, and I just had to yell, "420 BLAZEIT!" which got me a lot of 'WTF's.

"**Welcome to my world**," he began, "**I am Kayaba Akihiko. I am the only person who controls this world. So you may have noticed that the Log Out button is not present in your menus. This is not a bug, but another feature of **_**Sword Art Online**_**. I repeat, this is not a bug. In addition to that, there are no respawns, so when your health reaches zero, the NerveGear will release a pulse of microwaves to essentially destroy your brain. Any attempt to remove your NerveGear in the real world will also trigger this, but do not worry. The outside world has learned from its mistake after the deaths of 200 players.**"

"Kirito, is that even possible?"

Said person nodded grimly, "Yes, the capacitors in the NerveGear are more than capable of killing us, and simply unplugging it won't work either. It has an internal battery that will run for a very _long_ time."

"Son of a bloody gun," I groaned.

The other players are getting riled up too, I see, "Impossible, 2-200 p-players?! / "Is it true?!" / It can't be!"

"**Also, I decided to give a little gift in your inventory.**"

I pulled out a 'Mirror' then I and everyone else flashed in a bright light, revealing different avatars for all of us.

Mother of God. I had dark brown, mostly straight yet slightly messy hair, plain brown eyes, 5'7" tall height. I'm me. Everyone is themselves. In real life. Turning away from the uglier (**I mean, ugliest**) bastards, I told my viewers out there.

"For the love of blimin-ay, don't make yourself uglier than you already are. Look your best, people!"

Then I saw Klein, a little scruffy but not much changed about him, but Kirito. This is the kind of cute seinen guy going to get his own harem. Lucky bastards, and unlucky ones sometimes. The two were talking a little, but I ignored them to hear more from the 'Creator'.

"**The only way for anyone to escape this game is by clearing all 100 floors of Aincrad. However, you will all be probably wondering about why Kayaba Akihiko, the very creator of **_**Sword Art Online **_**and the NerveGear, do this? Well, I did this to you 10,000 players because I have a world to control and that all of your lives will become new ones in my world. This is the tutorial for SAO. Players – I wish you luck**."

I watched the mass hysteria spread throughout the stadium.

"To all of you out there waiting for us, like our jailer wish us luck and my condolences to the loved ones of those 200 players. I end this first episode of Sword Art Online. This is not just a Let's Play anymore, it's a life story now. This is VarlancerTheRanger, and I'm signing out. Ba-bye." End of video.

I saw Kirito dragging Klein away and I proceeded to follow unseen. Once they arrived in an alley, the black-haired teen faced his other companion.

"I'm headed for the next town. There will be quests and better monsters there. Will you come with me?"

"I'm sorry, but I have friends back there. I need to round them up and meet up like we agreed. You go on ahead without me." The two nodded at each other and wished good luck.

"Oi, Kirito!" said boy turned, "I like you better like this. You look very cute."

He gave his acquaintance one back, "Yeah, and you look better as a scruffy scoundrel. Just as I imagined." But Klein was gone.

Dashing away, Kirito headed for the next town killing monsters in his wake, and I followed getting some of my share of the action.

I asked the viewers if they're ready for an adventure. Gandalf-style, especially. Well, I am.

**Hello, everyone to my first Sword Art Online fanfic! Welcome to my world …. JK, but hope you enjoy. Type up a comment and press that review button if you're interested in the series. Favorite and Follow if you want to which is nearly as good, but I am interested in what you have to say. Until the next episode of Sword Art Online Let's Play, this is GrimRangerLock3001. See ya.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: The Plays I'm Gonna Make

(_11/20/22_ | _7:21 a.m. _| _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 15**)

"Hello, everyone. Welcome back to _Sword Art Online_. I'm sorry, but if you didn't know, 800 more players have joined the initial 200 in death after a check back at the Town of Beginnings yesterday. Therefore, I pay my respects like I did on the first video," a small moment of silence came, "However, hope that the rest of us will become stronger to avenge them like you and us players should everyday." Humming a random tune, the owner of the grave voice looked up into the sky and followed a somehow very particular group of wispy clouds. In his mind, they seemed like human spirits, but he brightened up a bit.

"On a lighter note, what's up, guys!? This is VarlancerTheRanger, and lovely morning, isn't it? I wanted to read your comments to figure out how Sword Skills work, **how** do you eat, where to sleep, **where** to eat, can I not show my helmet, **what** to eat, what you lot wanted for me to play as, and so on; but being stuck in this virtual castle of gaming damnation called Aincrad I am clearly unable to do that. I pulled through though, picking up some things along the way, so I have made a decision. I have finally decided what I'm going to play as." I stood up, headed for the next town, and scrolled down my stats.

**Character**: Varlancer

**Level**: 9

**Stats**:

Health: 415/415

Strength: 62

Defense: 84

Agility: 64

Dexterity: 49

Luck: 2

'Oh haha, Akihiko motherfuckin' Kayaba. I have way better luck than this shit … which I have been saying for the last two goddamn weeks!'

**Abilities**:

One-Handed Straight Sword (Lvl. 5): 511/5000

One-Handed Battle Axe (Lvl. 4): 3365/4000

One-Handed Assault Spear (Lvl.4): 2888/4000

One-Handed Dagger (Lvl. 3): 1871/3000

One-Handed War Hammer: 923/1000

Slant (Lvl. 5): 128/5000

Vertical (Lvl. 5): 82/5000

Horizontal (Lvl. 4): 3954/4000

Parry (Lvl. 4): 13/4000

Block (Lvl. 5): 94/5000

Searching (Lvl. 5): 212/5000

Straining (Lvl. 5): 175/5000

Acrobatics (Lvl. 5): 173/5000

Sprint (Lvl. 5): 439/5000

Extended Weight Capacity (Lvl. 5): 498/5000

**Stat Points Available**: 26

**Exp**: 1596/3250

"I've been trying out some different weapons as of far – well only the one-handed ones at least – and I actually liked the weapon and shield thing. And you all saw couple parts ago of my first time with a shield.

_[Flashback to Part 7]_

"_Okay guys, I am going to try out this new shield I bought, and I am going to see how I do with it. It's surprisingly lighter than I thought, though. Probably the strength stat. Or the weight capacity. Strength or the weight capacity. Oh, maybe strength __**and**__ weight capacity. Yea. But enough shit, let's go kick some virtual ass!"_

_(5 minutes later …)_

"_HOLY CRAP ON A CRAPBURGER MADE OF CRAPPY PINK SLIME AND CRAP MAYONAISSE AND CRAPPING TOMAHTOES ALL ON CRAPTASTING TOP OF A CRAPPIN' BISCUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"_

_Who the hell makes the Luck stat so bad that you get a whole fucking herd of piggies after your ass? I got nearly ran over by several of them and bitch srapped dem a-ho'es wit' mah pimp cane swo'd fo' doin' dat shit. Come on! It's only the most goddamn logical thing to do. I don't even think the Luck stat is supposed to have anything to do with this! But still, fuck you Luck and, more importantly … _(turns to screen)_ CTRL – F – C – K – Alt – U, Kayaba!_

_I activated my Horizontal, striking down 4 pigs from the mass stampede behind me before continuing sprinting off. Turning a corner, I dashed into a narrow cave – about a single guy wide – only to find it a dead end. I turned around to face the horde coming for me, and a slightly overeager pig charged in a little faster before leaping in my direction. With a Vertical, I brought my battered sword down upon it until it broke before me. 'Shit.' But on instinct (and maybe some inspiration from Captain America plus Leonidas plus Ryse plus Braum), I reared back my shield for what seemed like a punch and smashed my foe's neck against the side wall with the shield's narrow end, shattering it to pixels; and I brought it down bracing myself for the charge. CRASH! The swarm piled in through the entrance colliding with my only protection. Looks likes my last words are coming up._

"_People, I'm so sorry for this. Looked like Lady Luck had flashed me so many times with her torturous beauty and completely hot, imaginary body before saving me from hordes that no normal player should have found. And now looks like the goddess herself has now come to rape me in the ass – or in this case the front. Wait, what? I am only 15, and still yet to have a girlfriend and getting some. I love my family: dad, mother, and lil' sister. I love food. I love League of Legends. I love anime and manga. I don't like racists but laugh at many racist jokes. I've eaten a crushed Pocky that has been crushed under my shoe after walking around fields, San Francisco streets, and the beach all after a rainy day. I had a feeling I might be a siscon and lolicon. I once thought about jacking a M1 Abrams to run through Candlestick Stadium and blowing up Kaepernick in the face before running over his exploded body. I love Fanfiction and just started a new story about a guy doing a Let's Play on a new MMORPG in the distant future only to be trapped in it until the players beat it. I wanted to whack someone with a shield LIKE A BOSS! Sorry for not being able to upload anymore. No more SAO to watch for you guys. To my friends and family, live happily for the rest of your time without me. And it had to be on Part number 7. Why fail me lucky numbers and _Valkyria Chronicles_?"_

'_Wait. Whack someone with a shield?' I looked at the item at hand, and I just said 'Screw it.'_

"_RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_

_I took a step forward, slowly pushing back the monsters. Building up momentum, I began running forward thoroughly rejecting from the choke point, and when I emerged just outside the entrance scanning through the overturned pork bellies …_

"_YOU JUST GOT REJECTED, SON!"_

_With only crazy, druggy rainbows in my vision and still taking dozens of hits from all sides, I wrecked the rest of the opposition with my cracking shield to unleash my inner Afroman. Even the song was playing from my downloaded playlist for some reason._

"… now I'm jacking off, and I know whyyy! [Why man?] Because I got high. Because I got high. Because I got hiiiggghhh …_"_

"_GET REKT, SONS! FUFUFAHUFHAHUFUUUUJKLADJAKDJVVCMMCQVOIDSAFIEGHCNANFPWETbleeeh …" last part in my druggy Lil' Wayne voice._

_With a moment to catch my breath and a sliver of red in my health bar, I breathed heavily from my recent hardship. I took a look at my shield barely holding together. Poor thing. Smoothing my hand over the cracks, it then shattered past its due durability._

"_My good viewers, I live to see another day. And you all have to admit … that it was pretty damn badass. But this was only a new shield. Worth quite some Col. I am going to find all the bacon in the shops and eat as much as I could now."_

_Walking back towards the town, I took a look at my shield arm again. I love shields more than ever. And I still fucking hate you, Kayaba, for shittin' on my Luck._

_[Flashback end.]_

"Guys, I am going to be …," I put 3 Stat Points to Strength, 4 to Agility, 3 to Dexterity, and the rest of it to Defense, "THE BIGGEST, BADDEST, TANKIEST BASTARD THIS FLOATING CASTLE OF SCRAP WILL EVER KNOW!"

"Yes, viewers. I'm going full tank on this, to become UNKILLABLE. I don't give a crap about what shit damage I'll deal because I'm going to protect the scrubs that BETTER DAMN WELL DO IT FOR ME! I'll be so tanky; Sion, Zac, and Mundo will be my brahs in arms kissing my lovelyass feet. And they'll like it!"

One awkward silence later, "Okay, I just realized how messed up that sounded."

After that rant, the town came up in front of me, and I continued sprinting for it. Taking a look around, there were lots of NPCs but no players. Looks like I got here early. Walking towards a shop, I got to selling furs, skins, unnecessary items, and all that jazz; then I got to seeing what's new. My character was in some decent plate armor with a few dark grey decals covering most of me and had a 3 ft.-long straight sword on the left hand and a medium-sized buckler on the right. I equipped a helmet as well but I toggled its display option off because it looked pretty weird with my getup, but either way I looked good as of now. If I want to be a tank though, I'll need a better shield than the one I have now, but sadly none of the new ones in this shop were worth the col. However, I felt something behind me and turned around to reveal a green-cloaked girl behind me with the hood covering the top half of her face, but she still had a sort of predatory grin on her face. I really hope she's not half-man, half-shark. Like any person should, I felt a little freaked out at the sudden appearance of what looked like an Araluen Ranger ready to shank my ass and hang me into a tree to hide my body. Yes, Dad did have a liking to hooded badasses killing from the shadows. I mean, who doesn't? Their silent kills, the pretty difficult achievements, the girls (or guys. Gender Equality!) they pick up (except that they all die one way or another. Fuck you, Ubisoft). Come on, people. Gotta love 'em.

"Uh, you want to do something here?" I asked, stepping aside from the shop counter.

The girl seemed to have a short moment of confusion before realizing how to understand me and replied in a creepily cheerful manner, "Well I don't, actually. Who are you though? My name's Argo."

"I'm Varlancer. Just call me 'Var' for short. What are you here for, then?"

"Before we get to that, I would just love to know just what level you are, Var (**Dammit, it rhymed!**). You do seem very different from the others out there. Kind of like meeting Ki-bou and Heathcliff-san."

Nervously scratching the back of my head, "Aiiiii … I'm level 9, actually, from grinding just two nights ago."

Her hood lifted up to see her manic eyes (kind of like she took way too much coffee) widen slightly.

"Hmmm. Very interesting. Highest level I've seen yet however it's surpassing Ki-bou who's only level 7, and he was one of the best beta testers if he described it correctly. Were you one?"

"No really. My Uncle Vic took the beta, but he gave me the money that he was going to use to buy the things when I found the pre-order ad. So I'm as much as a n00b to this as anyone else like me."

"Looks I'll need some info from you, this might be good for some highlights," she muttered quietly before speaking up again and grabbing my arm, "Yep, come with me. I want your info."

Wait what? Is she going to ask for my number? Sure my parents said I looked good in that Viktor cosplay once. But I'm not that good-looking, right? (**Of course you can't tell, this is only from text in a barely descriptive Fanfiction OC. What do you think?**)

Turned out after she dragged me out into some empty field, she wanted to know my stats and equipment for some info guide she's making. Also, some of my experiences were described in our interview. After some more things from me, she wanted to friend me which I accepted. And she went back to the town to check the prices. Information broker, I think the term was?

"Well, guys have a lovely time. And we made the first addition to our Friend List, Argo. But I think the term "friend" is a bit loose here. She seemed nice enough, possibly bit too much on the coffee addiction there, but 'ey. This is VarlancerTheRanger and I'm signing off for today's video. Ba-bye." Video end.

(_12/1/22_ | _11:26 a.m._ | _**Sword Art Online **_**Let's Play Part 27**)

"Hey guys! It's VarlancerTheRanger and today we start another part of the _Sword Art Online _Let's Play. Apparently, everyone's got a message for anyone wanting to clear the game to attend a meeting. Now, I have a feeling we're going to do something big for this video. So on to the place!"

Arriving in a circular amphitheater and taking a seat in the back, I crossed my legs and waited patiently for the meeting to start. Hey, that guy on the stage has blue hair. Is it natural? But how the hell? Or it could be dyed in real life and it was scanned that way. Lucky son of a gun. But it looks like it's starting.

The blue-haired fellow stepped forward, "Hello everyone, I'm Diabel, and I am – as I like to think of myself – a knight." Laughter followed at the comment. 'There's no job system here! / Quit jokin' around! / Why you call us out here for?'

Diabel's face turned from warmhearted to grimly determined, "Just recently, me and my party have been clearing the dungeon and found the boss room." That got a response. 'Oooooh! / How? / Where?!'

Muttering softly just for my viewers to hear, "He looks nice and very good as a person. I'm startin' to like this guy. Any more news?"

"So, as my duty as a knight and yours as clearers, we should take down this boss and prove to everyone that this death game can be beaten!"

I couldn't help applauding the speaker and yelling an 'OOOOORAH!' He's like a politician pushing people to support Tesla for the good of U.S. industry. Inspiring, but I felt something's a little up. Just a little.

"The boss is Illfang, the Kobold Lord. He is a boss with 3 health bars with an axe and a buckler. Once he reaches the final health bar, he discards them both for a sort of curved weapon called a Talwar. He has an entourage of Ruin Cave Sentinels. And …"

But then a voice popped up with A-S-S-H-O-L-E imprinted all over the voice signature just from one word, "Oi!"

An orange guy with cactus hair jumped down and with a look of contempt on his face pointed towards the audience, "My name is Kibaou. And first, some people should apologize for the deaths of over 2000 players."

I muttered again, "Son of a bloody gun. We'll never make it to the 10th floor if this rate keeps up. I'm sorry for not being aware, but my condolences, minna."

The "knight" turned to the spike head and asked, "Is this about the beta testers?"

"Yeah! When this stupid death game began, instead of helping out the newbies, those damn beta testers took off taking all the good hunting spots and quests leaving the rest of us for dead! They should all give up their items and money to be distributed among all of us equally. And I know that they are here, come out!"

"Great, not only is he an ass. He's also a Communist. Go wrestle a bear with your bare hands, fucktard." Continuing my commentary.

Kibaou scanned the seats until he stopped to glare at me.

"You!" he stuck out that fucking finger. Asshole, didn't yo' momma told ya' not ta' point? "You must be a tester! Give up all your items to atone your sins."

Speaking up, "I'm not a beta tester."

Looks of confusion (why does this has to keep on happening?) swept through most of the stadium at my English. A deep voice from the crowd spoke up, "Put on Japanese subtitles." Thanks, whoever you are. But no thanks to the damn orange talking next.

"You damn American. Always arrogant and prideful. Fighting for others when it's only yourselves. You must be a damn tester, getting all you want with all your American dollars."

"He's an asshole, a Communist, and now a fucking racist? Oh hell no, son," I muttered a final time to the viewers, "Sorry everyone. Warning: swearing, racist stuff, offensive stuff, and other things you don't like will come from my mouth. I'm pissed off at this guy to the point where these words will shoot from my mouth into his face."

"First of all, I'm not a beta tester. I'm as much as a n00b as you are. I just happen to do better than you. Second, if you want my shit, my answer is 'Suck my American dick while I rip off your tiny Jap dick before I have you eat it for dinner tonight roasted in your insides-turned-fireplace.' You, my no-way-in-hell friend, are a frakkin' Communist who only wants your own little world a better face by having some good shit you can't get by your limpdick self. As a proud – not arrogant like you are, making shitty demands like that – American, I get what I earn. And you know what I was gonna do with it all. Give the stuff I don't need away to some people who need it anyways, or sell them to get equip on myself to clear this game faster and protect everybody else. Three, if you want the whole goddamn world against me, 1v1 me in mid, scrub."

The deep voice again spoke up again, "Permission to speak?" Diabel nodded, "My name's Agil. Well, do you, Kibaou-san, have this?" A tall, African man stood up holding a small, brown book.

Everyone else, me and the asshole included, brought out one from their inventory. Fiery Hairdo snarled, "Yeah, so what?"

"These were all free in the stores, correct? And these guidebooks were made from the beta testers." Murmurs of agreement spread all around the place. "Everyone had equal access to this information, and yet these amounts of players die. Instead of blaming others, we should be learning from their mistakes and avenge their deaths by beating this game."

Diabel agreed, "He's right, and we should all cooperate to take this boss down. Now …" I tuned out the rest of it. I got this, it's going to be the time to prove my tankiness, "Everyone form parties of 6. Meet up at 7:00 a.m. sharp."

"Crap!" I exclaimed. Scanning the rows I found a dark-haired guy and a red-cloaked figure talking together. Dashing for them, they turned to look at me. I recognized one familiar face.

"Ohayo, Kirito," waving to long-lost acquaintance.

"Oi, Var," he waved back.

"Wanna party up? You two look lonely, sooo can I join the party?"

Kirito turned to the cloaked figure who seemed like a girl, I think, and they both nodded.

"Aye."

The request screen formed in front of me and I accepted.

"Well, see you guys tomorrow. I'm heading out for some shopping." I walked away.

Behind me, the two: one the guy and the other the girl, said, "Bye."

Back to my viewers, "Well guys, looks like a boss battle tomorrow for you all, but first I'm gonna do some preparations. Repairs, potions, crystals, all that good stuff. And we'll be good to go."

With the sun up high, the restaurant looked like a good place to start. Eat, then anything important that you're too lazy to do hungry. Works every time.

"_Food, Glorious food._"

**[-]**

**Well, welcome back to another chapter of the Let's Play, and I appreciate the first reviews I just got. All came in only a day or less.**

**To:**

**Skyar Triv and CaptainButternubs756: Why thank you, it's nice to see a new idea I haven't seen yet in the archives now made by me, turn out pretty well.**

**Zombie7obster: Thank you, as well. But, after looking up the wikis, I'm pretty sure I got the dates right.**

**Siris the Guardian of Aura: Well you are … A FRIKKIN BRO'. GIVE ME A BROFIST, BROSKY! And if you were hungry for another chappie. Hope this helps your appetite.**

**This did not go too far plot-wise, I'm pretty sure, but I did spend quite some thinking on this. So I hope you readers like it. Like last time, if you wanna support the series, post a review. Or press the favorite or follow. (but I like the reviews more. What more can I ask for?) I will be trying to post new chapters every week or 2, but after the next chap (If I make it in time) I'm going on winter break in Canada. Therefore until some time next year will I be getting back to gear. So this is GrimRangerLock3001 finishing this chapter off. **


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The Legend of the Beater … and the Playa?

(_12/2/14_ | _6:45 a.m._ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 28**)

The shadow obscures everything on the screen before opening up slowly to reveal a nice landscape of grassy fields and small forests, probably from the vantage point of a hill or cliff. But, a voice so deep from the pits of the diaphragm and vocal chords rumbled out its narration.

"There was a legend of a legendary warrior," it began, "whose legendary skills were the stuff of legend."

The sight shifted to an opened book showing a figure in several stances before posing in different forms of attack. Apparently, two hands came into view to hold it in one and the other rapidly flipping to the next pages. Potions, crystals, monsters, and all sorts of things flickered in and out to the viewer before being snapped shut and pocketed away. The voice continued instead in a more normal but still serious tone.

"'Sup, viewers. I'm VarlancerTheRanger, and today I present to you a special episode of the _Sword Art Online_ Let's Play. Today we take one more step to freedom. Remove another obstacle in our way. Boot the first door down to breach and stick some bullets on some people's faces in slow-mo to complete the mission, COD-style. I and some thirty more or less players will take on the first boss monster of the prison that is Aincrad. As told by the Cactus He – the player Kibaou, around 2000 players are currently dead. So after this battle, we begin to pave the way to escape this world," wait, that got me thinking, and now I sounded a little childishly stupid saying this but, "Wait. Can you be an escapist in a fantasy virtual world? Does that even make sense? Like having dreams of "escaping" a fake world to the real world, when being an escapist you "escape" (by dreaming/daydreaming/fantasizing) from the real world? Dammit, I overthought stuff again. Oh well, there's some food for thought on the PhilosoVar Lancer Talk Show on Shit That He Randomly Asks."

I stood up from my spot on the hill and sprinted for the town.

(_10 minutes later …_)

Seeing all of the players assembled in the square, I began searching for the rest of my party who happened to be standing by talking a little amongst themselves in their own spot. Waving my hand and rushing in like a madman surely broke up their small talk. Both looked up at me and gave me a stoic 'What the heck?' look. I know that the girl has a hood over her face, but I can just tell. Trust me.

Giving off a final wave, "_Ohayo, minna_."

Kirito nodded at me.

And the girl, 'Asuna' apparently according to the HUD, gave a small "hello."

Silence that is awkward. One … Two … …. …Thirteen … Fourteen … Fifteen … Oh screw it. I wanna talk.

"Aiiii … You guys got ready for the boss? Did anything last night that I should know?" (**Yeah Kirito, like seeing what's under the cloak, or under the armor. Eh? Eeeeh? JK! I'm not that big of a perv. … Hold the phone. I'm the author. I'm pretty much GOD in this story! I can have him do whatever I fuckin' want! … Eh, I'm too lazy anyways.**)

Kirito shrugged, "Just some grinding and practicing some skills and tactics and so on."

"We also had some bread with cream for dinner and a hot sh-shower …" Asuna added pretty much in an uncommitted manner, but did I hear some embarrassment too? (**Damn, Kirito-kun. You work fast.**)

I turned to face the black-haired teen, "You work fast wit' dem, eh, Kirito?" remembering the first time I saw his real form. The statement still remains. Lucky bastards, yet unlucky ones sometimes.

He immediately became flustered at the comment, "Wait, what do you mean? If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, I did not do anything like that!"

Couldn't help but laugh, "HAHAHAHAHA! (wipes a tear) I was just jokin', man. Take a chill pill and chug some water. You look a little sick. HAHAHAH!" Sigh. It does feel good making others laugh, well it's only me laughing, but screw others sometimes, right. I will like almost all of my jokes, and I normally don't give a damn if others don't.

"Baka boys," the girl muttered just loud enough for both of us to hear. Instantly settling our differences, us guys united to glare at our new unknown foe, the other gender.

After that little moment, the familiar voice of Diabel called us out with a teleport crystal in hand, "Okay everyone. This crystal will teleport us somewhere in the dungeon leading at least near to the boss room. Wish us luck everyone and let's beat this boss!"

I snuck in some of my commentary, "You got that right, people out there. Wish us luck, and let's beat us some boss monster."

We all stepped through the portal and began to journey off to battle.

(_15 minutes of traveling and several dungeon monsters getting wrecked_)

With my newer and larger buckler, I blocked the incoming blow of a lizard man behind me, and being pissed at said lizard man I swung my sword knocking him back. Then, with a good boot to the chest effectively putting him on the ground, the finishing and oh-so-cliché downward stab shattered it to shards. The small victory only lasted for too short of a time however, plunging the reversed grip of my sword backwards. The strangled scream and another shatter already got me to looking for my next target. Thankfully (and a bit sadly), there were none to be found. Other players were catching their breaths and taking some potions to heal up, but otherwise we're good.

"Man, these guys are just really annoying now. But anyways, the boss is hopefully not too bad, but then again what can be worse than hordes of pigs?" I shuddered at the memory, but hey I have more appreciation for shields now.

I took a glance to my side, and the rest of my party were relatively just freakin' dandy. Kirito and Asuna were standing right where they are. The teamwork does pay off apparently. Oh crikey. He's looking at me in a not so nice way.

Walking up to me, he asked, "What the heck are you doing?"

Yeah, this whole time I didn't do any team stuff with those two here, so yeah, "Uuuuh … Monster-hunting?"

With a roll of his eyes, "Yeah, thanks for pointing out the obvious, but you do know that you can get yourself killed if you're not careful?"

"Well hey, I'm working to be unkillable no matter how many bad scrapes I get into. This dungeon is just a little test of that. Sorry, but I haven't been in a party since the WoW expansion pack 4 years ago. So yeah, I might be a little outdated on party tactics. But besides, check my stats," scrolling down my menu before flipping the screen revealing my stats to him. Wow, I can see the detail in his irises. Hell, I didn't even know that his eyes could be THAT big.

**Level**: 16

**Stats**:

Health: 735/735

Strength: 154

Defense: 267

Agility: 139

Dexterity: 102

Luck: 2

(Yeah, I fucking know and if anyone saw this coming, damn right Kayaba's still playing this joke on me. And for some reason I can't add Stat Points to this crap. Natural progression, my armored ass!)

**Abilities**:

One-Handed Sword (Lvl. 9): 2591/9000

Two-Handed Sword (Lvl. 3): 2786/3000

One-Handed Battle Axe (Lvl. 8): 5469/8000

Two-Handed Battle Axe (Lvl. 3): 1335/3000

One-Handed Assault Spear (Lvl. 6): 4805/6000

Two-Handed Assault Spear (Lvl. 3): 1012/3000

One-Handed Dagger (Lvl.7): 6973/7000

One-Handed War Hammer (Lvl. 4): 87/4000

Slant (Lvl. Max): 10000/10000

Vertical (Lvl. Max): 10000/10000

Vertical Square: 32/1000

Horizontal (Lvl. 9): 6623/9000

Whirlwind: 369/1000

Parry (Lvl. 6): 4538/6000

Block (Lvl. 10): 1284/10000

Blade Throwing: 421/1000

Searching (Lvl. 10): 111/10000

Straining (Lvl. 9): 8976/9000

Hiding (Lvl. 2): 146/2000

Acrobatics (Lvl. 9): 72/9000

Sprint (Lvl. 10): 509/10000

Extended Weight Capacity (Lvl. 9): 7981/9000

**Stat Points**: 3

**Exp**: 1924/6250

Kirito does have a very loose jaw, apparently; but seriously pick it up, man. It's kinda freaky. Like an anime-coming-to-life freaky.

After blinking a couple times, his head bowed down with a shadow over his eyes, and his mouth contorted into a very – uuuhh – toothy grin, "Hey, Var?"

"Y-Yeah, man?"

In a flash he grabbed my collar pulling me to his cold, calculating glare with a newly formed scowl, "How in the hell did you level up this quickly?!"

"Aiiii … How the hell should I know?" I whispered the next part, "Argo said you were a beta tester. Shouldn't you be telling me?"

His voice rose to an even harsher tone, like he was thinking of digging a grave, "How the HELL should I know that YOU don't know how the hell you don't know what you don't in the hell KNOW!? AND HELL NO!" I wonder whose grave he's going to dig.

My face started heating up and sweating nervously. Geezus, I'm so screwed. Seventh time this month. Dammit Valkyria Chronicles, why that number? But, I was saved by the bell, or a guy with blue hair in this case. Damn do', where did he get dat shit?

Diabel stood in front of two giant doors with intricate designs carved into them, "Okay people, organize your parties according to the formations we discussed. Tanks and Vanguards take the front and prepare to switch out with other ones. Healers will take the back and prepare potions. And …" However, some of the designs managed to piss me a bit off.

"Hey guys (the viewers this time), doesn't that look like an eye and a very familiar one at that? Stupid doom mountain. Oh, and is that a symbol/rune thing from Myth if I remember correctly? And OH MY GOD, he pretty much stole every magic circle from anime! Damn you, Kayaba. And over there …" My continued ramblings then earned me with the feeling of a sizzling brand labeled "INSANE AS FUCK" on the back of my head. Turning around I saw the collective sweatdrop, so I nervously rubbed my hair.

With a scratch on my head, "Sorry everyone, I'll just shut up now. Aaaaand, go inside and kill the boss. See ya," so I kicked down the doors and rushed in. Love the Strength stat, people. The others gave each other looks then shrugged before following me in with their battle cries.

[_**BOSS BATTLE! KAISHIN!**_]

We all scanned the room warily before spotting the boss at the back of the room. It leaped up before crashing down in front of us drawing its axe and shield, and we all tentatively took a step back. Readying a defensive stance, I checked it out: 4 health bars, jackal-like head, red fur with cyan design on the belly (**I'm going with the anime version, so if you read the light novel, then you have to deal with this.**), bone axe and leather shield, incredibly fat …

"Man, don't 'dis doggy look a bit too ugly for the show, ain't it," I joked, "Hey bitch! Are you pregnant with triplets, or are you really that fat? If the damn latter, then yo' mama so fat that when she got to one of dem digital weight scales, it said on the screen 'REMOVE WHALE'S ASS FROM THE MACHINE'!"

Everyone who was previously staring in fear and nervousness now cracked up a little or began to grin with blood – uhh red-pixel thirsty looks, "You know what? He's right! / Yeah you goin' down, bitch! / We're definitely kicking yo' bitch ass!"

Clearly pissed off, Illfang roared summoning 3 figures. Then what seemed like fully-covered, armored mini-versions of it, Ruin Kobold Sentinels, came charging with halberds and maces. With a single mighty battle cry, the players charged to counter, and the battle had begun with a mighty clash of virtual steel.

[_Some time later in the battle when Illfang's to half HP on second bar..._]

Engaging with another Sentinel, I crossed my sword and shield to repel the halberd swing, and I yelled, "Attack now!"

The two party members behind me rushed forward with Sword Skills effectively ending it with a shatter. With that done with, we all turned towards the boss engagement.

The flurry of swords, axes, and spears hacked away at the boss, chipping its health bars little by little. Diabel stood behind them giving orders, and parties switched in and out bringing in the pain for the boss.

"Damn, that guy sure knows how to lead a company. Wonder how he's done it before, but either way he's pretty frickin' good."

"True, but come on Var. Focus on our battle," and the black-haired swordsman pointed to another Sentinel about to crash in.

"Aye. Yokai." Another round of monster bashing comin' right up, and oooh! Shield bash to the face again, bitch! Suck it!

[_More not-so-badass fighting stuff later …_]

Man, these guys take more punishment than they look like they should. I parried the Horizontal with my Vertical knocking the last Sentinel's weapon arm upwards which I took the opportunity uppercut with my shield sending it flying. I crouched down raising my shield over my head with a shout.

"Switch!"

With a leap, the cloaked fencer hopped on before we pushed forward sending her rushing to the falling Sentinel. Finishing it off with a Linear, Asuna gracefully broke her fall with a tuck and roll. Glancing towards Kirito behind me, I noticed him staring at the boss. When I turned to look at that, …

With a commentary, "Okay guys, this is it. Illfang's down to the last bits of health, and a lot of us are still standing. We'll take down this bastard now. And after this, we'll open the doors to the next floor and hopefully get something to eat. I am in the mood for Chinese, apparently. That bigass dog over there really needs to diet, though."

Kirito turned towards me and Asuna, "Guys, let's go help them. Stay back and support when needed. Let's go!"

The two of us nodded, and the party dashed off towards the mob of players surrounding the nearly finished boss. Once we got there, they were preparing to give the finishing attack, but a shout halted them in their tracks.

"Stay back, everyone. I got this!" and Diabel, the leader, charges in with a Sword Skill. Why the hell is he doing that? Clearly not logical. I mean screw glory man, just get everyone to kill the damn thing.

But something worse got my attention. Illfang dropped his primary weapons and then drew the blade from the wrapped sheath on his back. I don't know what on heaven, earth, and hell is a Talwar, but unless I didn't play enough Total War: Shogun and ninja+samurai games, that's a …

Kirito after a look of realization tried to reach out to the leader, "Diabel, no!" as The Kobold Lord drew a long, rectangular blade with no hilt before jumping straight up to the roof avoiding the attack.

I slowly realized as well, "What the? Oh, son of a …"

… FUCKING NO-DACHI! GET YOUR WEAPONS RIGHT, KAYABA! WHY THE HELL DOES THIS BITCH HAVE A NO-DACHI WHEN EVERYONE ELSE SAID IT'S A GOD-KNOWS-WHAT TALWAR!

After it met the roof, the fatass jumped off it right back down to the frozen Diabel still on cooldown. The blue leader was knocked up flying, and with as spin the kobold slashed thrice to send him crashing to the wall. Dammit, it's good. Kirito dashed to the fallen knight's aid with a potion in hand while the others retreated slowly at the defeat of their leader. I watched Kirito trying to give the pony, but after what seemed like a few words from the fallen, everyone's "knight" had shattered to code joining the souls he sought to avenge. With a turning of my head to glare at the monster that killed the valiant warrior …

"You motherfucker," I clenched the handles a bit more tightly then relaxing, "DON'T FUCK WITH US LIKE YOU DID TO YOUR WHALE'S ASS OF A MOTHER, YOU BITCH OF A BITCH!"

Walking towards us with his face shadowed by his bangs, "Let's go, everyone." My and Asuna's face were shadowed over as well. Well, mine by the angle of the light and hers by her hood, but you know what I meant.

Charging with swords poised for attack, we rushed Illfang to finish what Diabel started … for only a couple seconds, but come on be serious. (Actually, he did technically start the meeting to discuss the boss battle, does that count? But didn't we mean 'the whole finishing off the bastard' not the entire fight? … You know what? I don't even know. … Damn, it's weird being in a stalemate with yourself.)

Kirito gave his orders, "Asuna! Var! Same thing we did with the sentinels! Var knocks up the blade then we switch!"

"Hai!"

With me on the vanguard, I caught the no-dachi swing with my shield before knocking it up with a Vertical.

"Switch."

The two one-handed sword-users began the counterattack with their Sword Skills, slowly sapping the last drops of health from the fucker. Oh God, her cloak came off, and I gotta say she's beautiful. May not be my type, but still a beauty.

'She's beautiful,' Kirito thought.

Take that, and that, and that, and that, and … "Oooh! Slashed at the throat, buddy. A couple more slices for $3.99 a piece!" ah, best hero ever – or should I say anti-hero? – Eh? Illfang's got something up his sleeve, and it's gonna pull it off, "Shit."

I rushed forward in time to intercept the slash. With my chest, and the other two got slashed as well. Goddammit, not fast enough. As we skidded against the ground, I noticed the finishing blow coming for us. Warily, I braced my shield waiting for the pain, but luckily Agil came to the rescue, swiping away with his two-handed battle axe.

"You kids okay?" Asuna came to her senses as well and nodded; I shrugged a bit, "Okay then, let the men handle this!" Oh wait, got an idea.

"Hey Agil, right?" said man nodded, "Can you get those two over there to surround the boss with you?" I pointed to the other two-handed axe-wielders.

"Yeah, but why?"

"I'll be there with you. Just surround him and prep a Whirlwind, okay? Wait for the signal."

"Okay." And the big man called out to the other two and began surrounding the boss engaging with the rest of the battle group. With an AoE attack, they were all knocked back.

I swiftly scrolled down the menu and equipped my battle-axe, hurrying to my position poised for the Sword Skill. I looked at the four of us axemen, and reassured I gave the signal, "YOSH, LEEEEEET IIIIIT RIIIIIPPP!"

The 4 of us spun towards the vulnerable boss on cooldown, munching it up in a kill box of spinning axes.

"SPIN 2 WIN FOR THE WIN!" A little to into the battlelust, I cackled madly at the pure insanity of the wrecking we're dishing out. Once we're finished, I used the momentum to swing my axe one final time to STICK IT UP ITS ASS, blowing it away to the other side of the room. Tossing away my weapon and myself with it, I landed right in front of the mortally wounded monster with just slivers of health now. Equipping the first thing I could, which was my shield, I prepared a final smash. But a scream of rage cried out behind me, which was Kirito. First, you get a girl with you, now you're going to KS. Oh hell no.

With my shield reared back powering up in a green glow (Wait what?) and Kirito leaping with his Vertical Arc, "AMMMURRRRICAAAAAAAAA! / RAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" (**You guess who said what.**) And with those mighty finishing blows, Illfang had finally fallen in virtual shards.

The screens popped up in front of us, "Congratulations! You have defeated Illfang, the Kobold Lord!" then "You got the Last Attack Bonus!"

Oh goodie. Bonus shit. Taking a peek at my fellow boss-slayer, Kirito got a new outfit, a Coat of Midnight. By the name, it sounds pretty badass. What did I get?

"You have received Uchumisen, The Universal Guitar!" A guitar! Score! I didn't even know you get to play music here.

"Oh yeah. Kirito?"

"Ah?"

"Don't steal my kills."

"I only did it to avenge Diabel. He was a great person."

"Hmm, I can tell you're right. But seriously, it was my kill, man."

"You don't need the Experience."

"Still my kill."

"Your NerveGear was hacked."

"Oh, now you're just being jealous."

"Whatever."

"No KSing in my house."

Agil walked towards us slapping our backs, and Asuna giving a well-meaning nod and smile while the rest of the crowd cheered. Well, the rest of them except for one asshole.

"Why did you do it?" the Orange Blabbermouth Full of Shit sobbed (my breech-covered ass.), "Why did you let Diabel die?"

Oh yeah, Kirito couldn't save Diabel. Well, what's this Cactus Head going on about now? Kirito just couldn't stop it enough. Kirito stood passively, waiting for what else Kibaou had to say.

"You knew that the boss's techniques, but you didn't save Diabel from it. You … You are … YOU'RE A DAMN BETA TESTER, AREN'T YOU?" What the fuck, man? None of us knew that the boss got updated with a new weapon and fighting pattern. You should a) know that what a no-dachi is b) know that its weapon did not look like a CURVED weapon like a talwar and c) fuck off.

The commotion got the others talkin', "A beta tester! / Are there more? / Come! Show yourselves!"

I gritted my teeth at all of the bullshit in front of me, but before I say anything, a demented laugh echoed through the room.

With a dark and sinister look, (Dang, I need to learn how to do that face.) Kirito stated firmly, "Haha. How dare you put me with those wimps? You know those beta testers didn't even know how to use Sword Skills. Hell, you guys were better than them. But I, I cleared the most floors than any other tester and know more information than any broker! Hah!"

"You're not just a damn beta tester. You're a cheater! / Cheater / Beta Tester! / B-b-beater!"

At the last word, Kirito looked inspired for a second before quickly changing to a dangerous smirk, "Ha, Beater. I like it. From now on," he scrolled down his menu and equipped his new cloak. Damn, it looks so badass. You freaking legend. "… know that whoever wears this cloak is the Beater. Don't even think about lowering me to those lowly beta testers!" and he walked off to the stairs. Hmm, attention on him. Entirely on a class of his own. Seems like a bad guy. Oh, I see what he's doing … maybe.

Agil and Asuna were about to defend him, but I gave a look to both of them. I shook my head slightly. With that message sent, Asuna decided to chased after Kirito, and I followed slowly. When she reached him, they exchanged some words until the fencer had a small smile on her face and the Beater had a devilish grin. As she ran down the steps, a glance between us and a nod of a sort of understanding passed. I just walked behind Kirito silently. When he opened the doors, we walked through to see the next floor through a dirt path.

"Why are you coming with me?"

"Oh? Nah, I'm not following you. I'm just hungry from the fight, and some new food than my usual would be nice."

"Hmm. Shouldn't you go with friends?"

"Ah, got none. Well, unless you count Argo, but not really."

"I'm the Beater, now. You'll be thrown under the bus with me."

"First of all, I could just say that I wanted to explore the floor before the nasty Beater gets his dirty paws on the good quests and hunting grounds, but I'm not up for explaining. Two, does it look like I care? I've been this way for a couple years, nothing too new."

"Hah, you a lone wolf."

"No, a lone, lonely loner with differing philosophy and social awkwardness."

A window popped up, "You can play any song with Uchumisen from any skill level. Will you play a song? Y/N"

Equipping my new guitar with the strap over my shoulder, I pressed yes.

"Wanna hear a song?"

"Sure."

Now the music began with a drums, guitars, and a flute in the background along with my new guitar:

A few disembodied voices sang all around, _Ooooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! (Guitar riff)._

I started singing:

_Daijoubu ore ga nanmankai mo sakende yaru  
Kimi no ashita ga subete kagayaite iru to shinjiteru  
Yume o kanaeta subete no hito ni kasanariau kyoutsuten  
Akiramenakatatte koto sore dake sa makennayo_

_Mukai kaze ni nagasare kujikesouna toki wa  
Kono te nigire TRY TO TAKE A CHANCE mou  
Kimi wa hitori nanka janai ze  
_

Unknown to the two of us, this way going worldwide. Heads were turning up looking for the source of the song.

_Motto motto mae e mae e kimi no ikashita yume akiramenaide  
Sou naitenai de susume MY WAY ima  
Kimi o terashitenda hikari_

_Akirame nanka zenbu sutete_

_Tsuyosa to hikikae ni mata kizutsuite_

_Demo kimi no massugu na hitomi ni wa  
Ima mieru darou hikari  
_

I and Kirito look towards the rising spires, following our gazes to the top. Looks like there's still hope.

_YOU CAN DO, DON'T GIVE UP. YO, WAKE UP!  
Akeru subete no asa ga so THAT'S FOR YOUR LIFE  
Ame no hi, hare no hi, inochi no hi  
Moeru honoo wa CHANCE to onaji i_

NOBODY KNOWS TRUTH AND FUTURE sou sa  
Kotae wa koko ni aru, ALWAYS IN YOUR HEART!  
Asu o shiranu kono sekai sa moyase kokoro o BELIEVE YOUR HEART!

Agil and Asuna look up to the sky as well

'Well, we're on our way home. I will see you again, my wife.'

'One step closer to beating this game. I will finish this and survive to go back to my old life.'

_Ima wa kitto naite CRY DAY bokura tsuyoku wa naishi yowasa daite  
Demo karasanaide ame ni saita hana  
Kimi o tsutsumikonda sekai_

_Kanashimi nanka itsuka kieru_

_Namida to hikikae ni mata yasashiku naru kara_

_Kimi no massugu na hitomi ni wa  
Ima mieru darou hikari  
_

Somewhere, Klein and his friends were staring up with his friends while Argo was leaning on an alley looking up like everyone else.

'Hah. We'll finish this.'

'Heheh. Looks like things are making progress here."

_Ookina kaze ni fukarete yureta  
boku no kokoro no oku no chiisana yume  
Michibata no hana ni jibun kasanete  
Tobenu sora o miagete hitori de naita_

Ah! Hane wa naikedo  
Mou bokura hitori janai  
Boku ni tarinai mono wa kimi ga  
Kimi ni tarinai mono wa boku ga  
Kasanari awaserya mugendai  
Ano hiroi sora ni mo te ga todoku ze!

A party of six were wondering on where the hell the song came from, except for one. The blue-haired girl clutched her shield a little tighter. And a short-haired brunette with a chestnut-haired girl with twin ponytails on the sides gazed at the sky with new determined eyes.

'I hope we make it out just fine.'

'We're coming up.'

'Let's do this and get back.'

_Motto motto mae e mae e kimi no ikashita yume akiramenaide  
Sou naitenai de susume MY WAY ima  
Kimi o terashitenda hikari_

_Akirame nanka zenbu sutete_

_Tsuyosa to hikikae ni mata kizutsuite_

_Demo kimi no massugu na hitomi ni wa  
Ima mieru darou mirai!_

_Ooooh! Ooooh! Ooooh!_

Finished off with my guitar riff and last drumbeats, the song had me sighing in relief at the good time I had. Kirito applauded warmheartedly at the performance.

"You're a pro? And what song is that?"

Slinging it on my back, I replied, "Not really, I've been taking lessons for 5 and a half years. But, add to the fact I love Rock Band. And the song is from 15 to 20 years ago. It's from an anime, actually. 'ft.' by Funkist."

"Well, that was great."

"Why, thank you."

The sun is starting to go down apparently. With the impression I was just talking to myself, Kirito waved off the commentary for my viewers.

"Well guys, if you ever seen that opening, you should know why I put that song up. But today we killed our first boss. Kirito's now cast out from everyone else because he's a Beater." I heard a short derisive snort behind me, "But it doesn't matter. I think he's a freaking legend. Now then, we're here on the second floor. So, I'll show you more next time. Have a jolly good time!" Video end.

"Kirito, wanna friend?"

"Huh?"

"Add each other to our lists. Loners don't have to stick each other, but at least we see which one of us didn't die yet."

"Yeah. You know what? Sure." Kirito pressed 'yes' on the request I gave him.

A fatass killed. A black Beater rises. A lovely redhead can shank with a long rapier. An awesome axe-wielder can spin to win. And I have not died yet and still in the early yellow, I think I'm doing good on the tanky motherfucker department so far. Oh my god, noodles!

**[-]**

**Yello there, and here's another chapter for the Let's Play. Not the best humor as I would like, and not the best action if I say so myself, but this is the longest chapter I've ever written. 4956 words. But either way, like Var said, if you saw the anime opening with the song above, then you should see why I picked it for this part of the story. Epic as fuck and it describes rising to the top. Watch and/or listen to it, if you have never heard this. If you know which anime (it's really well-known), just post it on the reviews for a nice bowl of cookie noodle soup right on your desk.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sword Art Online nor Funkist and "ft."**

**Anyways, some replies to the reviews:**

**Skyar Triv: I would think that an Avengers/SAO idea would be pretty cool. And thank you for the compliment. I really loved writing that part. Just wondering though, ever heard of DC Universe Online? Look it up. It would be interesting for a crossover between SAO and that.**

**Bardy (guest): Thank you, and the subtitles were mainly meant to close the language gap between Var, an American who's only knowledge of Japan is through National Geograpic and anime/manga, and the rest of the players who speak Japanese, except for maybe Agil. But yeah, I know that the menu was all in English, but some signs were in Japanese if I remember correctly, so yeah. But it's not complete nonsense. It was a nice joke. Either way, I like that you find this a favorite. Hope you like this chapter.**

**Now, back to me. This is gonna be my last chapter of 2014 because, like I said last time, I'm going to Canada for winter break. So until next year will I get back on track. Don't forget to comment, subscribe, and like. Happy Holidays. And a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you lot! Till I update again, this is GrimRangerLock3001. Hohoho.**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Here Kitty, Kitty … Welcome to the Anti-Crystal Club

_**The OPENING of Let's Play Sword Art Online **_**(ENGLISH DUB)**_**:**_** [Living Louder – The Cab]**

The scene shows a heavily-armored individual with a tattered mottled green, brown, and grey cloak sitting cross-legged in a meadow surrounded by vast forest under a starry sky. With a black, chrome-plated guitar over his back, he begins tapping his fingers to a beat.

_Oooh~ Oooh~ Oooh~_

_If today's the day I die  
Lay me down under the lights  
Let me fall in love  
Let me save a life_

_And let me lose my voice  
Singing all my favorite songs  
Let me stare up at the stars  
'Cause it's where we all belong_

The person already slung his guitar to his hands, playing the chords and now slowly nodding his head. Transparent shadows of the main characters smile and laugh in the sky behind him.

_My heart like a firework in my chest  
My only regret  
Is having regrets  
Traveled the world  
I loved every step  
And all I know is..._

The scene changes to all of the main SAO characters plus some unknown ones as well (**OCs?**) walking down a path, weapons drawn and in a 2D platform.

_No one, no one lives forever  
But we will be remembered  
For what we do right now_

Another transparent shadow, this time the monolith from the Black Iron Palace with the names of the players, hover above them with different names being crossed out.

_Baby, I'm living louder  
And dreaming longer tonight  
(Living louder, we're living louder)  
And baby, I'm fighting harder  
And loving stronger tonight  
(Loving stronger, we're loving stronger)_

_Because we're all just kids  
Who grew up way too fast  
Yeah, the good die young  
But the great will always last_

_We're growing older,  
But we're all soldiers tonight_

Changes to all kinds of experiences with the main characters.

Kirito: Joining the Moonlit Black Cats, Dueling Heathcliff, Sitting with Asuna and Yui, etc.

Asuna: Eating bread with Kirito, Taking on the Gleam Eyes, Cooking for Kirito, etc.

Klein: Taking on the Pig, Taking on the Holy Dragon Alliance, Talking to Asuna for the First Time, etc.

Agil: Showing the guide at the meeting, Knocking back Illfang, Talking with Kirito at his shop, etc.

And you get the idea.

_If today's the day I go  
Gonna drink with all my friends  
Gonna laugh until we cry  
As we talk and reminisce_

_Let me kiss a stranger  
And rob the local bank  
Let me become real rich  
So I can give it all away_

Back to the walking down the trail scene except they're back to back surrounded by monsters. Blocking and dodging attacks as best they could, at first …

_No one, no lives forever  
But we will be remembered  
For what we do right now_

… and then to full on killing spree.

_Baby, I'm living louder  
And dreaming longer tonight  
(Living louder, we're living louder)  
And baby, I'm fighting harder  
And loving stronger tonight  
(Loving stronger, we're loving stronger)_

_Because we're all just kids  
Who grew up way too fast  
Yeah, the good die young  
But the great will always last_

_We're growing older  
But we're all soldiers tonight_

Now back again to the guitar player on the cliff, but everyone else is also there standing beside him looking at a sunrise in the horizon.

_When you got your breath inside your head  
Everyday's a second chance  
If I wake up with a beating heart  
Will I stand or will I fall apart?_

Again to the fight scene, the sun's rising behind them in the trail fight as they just finish off their last enemies.

_Living louder, dreaming longer tonight  
Baby, I'm fighting harder and loving stronger tonight_

_Baby, I'm living louder  
And dreaming longer tonight  
(Living louder, we're living louder)  
And baby, I'm fighting harder  
And loving stronger tonight  
(Loving stronger, we're loving stronger)_

Close up views on each character …

_Because we're all just kids  
Who grew up way too fast  
Yeah, the good die young  
But the great will always last_

_We're growing older  
But we're all soldiers tonight_

Finally, they raise and cross their weapons together.

**OPENING END****.**

[_4/8/23_ | _7:23 p.m. _| _Floor 11, Taft_ | **Kirito's P.O.V.**]

I saw a raised chalice in the air, knocking with the 4 others that joined in the toast. The holders of said chalices were smiling wholeheartedly and clamoring over their escape from Hell's Gates after I led them out of a Labyrinth a bit earlier. In their joyous cheers, the one with the brown shirt turned to look at me with a thankful smile.

Keita brought a proposition, "Oi, Kirito."

"Yeah?"

"As you can see, you're going solo without a guild, correct?"

I nodded.

"And you're just around our levels, correct?"

I nodded again. Well, more like twice that, but I can't tell them that.

"Well, we don't have a lot of members, and Sachi here needs some help being a Forward with her shield and all, and she really isn't getting used to the change," The mentioned blue-haired girl shied away a little at the comment. True though, they do need another vanguard after what happened to only having Tetsuo, the spiky-haired, purple one. Therefore, they picked Sachi, a spear-wielder, to switch equipment for a sword and shield, "Sooo … would you like to join us?"

Well, I am taking a break from the frontlines for a while now, and these guys do look like they want in on some more battle action. Helping them until they can take care of themselves won't hurt. Yeah, I can deal with this.

"Okay, then. I'll join."

Keita grinned and stuck his hand out for me to grab and shake, "Well, then. Kirito, welcome to the Moonlit Black Cats!" He turned to his fellow members, "Hey, everyone! Come on! Welcome our newest member!"

The others cheered me on with Sachi giving me a warm upwards turn of her lips, Tetsuo cheekily smiling with closed eyes, Sasamaru, the cap-wearing damage dealer, saying a warm 'welcome'; and the blonde and blue-eyed thief that is Ducker grinned with teeth showing everywhere and stars in his eyes.

I really hope they don't have to go out like they would have back at the Labyrinth, but besides that they really are a great team with such amazing bonds between them. With more time like 6 to 9 months (**69 months!? Skipper: No, 6 TO 9 months!**) and better stats and equipment, they actually could be Clearers.

"So, how did you guys meet each other?" I asked the brown guild leader.

His face lighting up, he waved his hands to his motley crew, "Oh, we're all in the PC research club at our school, so yeah we know each other offline. Another guy was supposed to be joining us, but we haven't found him, yet. And he was a beta tester and the smartest of all of us." He took a pondering expression, "I wonder how's he doing. Fine? Lost? Dead? He better not be that last one. Lost and dead?"

Hm, beta tester? Then they probably don't share the same hate that others do, considering their friend, so I could – No, they shouldn't know me as the Black Swordsman. However, another voice had me turn to a slouched figure on the bar counter with a mottled, hooded cloak of various greens and browns, and I easily identified him as the infamous guitar-playing tank with a habit of talking to himself or no one in particular.

Var blankly examined his drink closely, "Guys, it is possible to get booze in this game. I swear, it is possible for me to get some right now, America. What's more important is the consumption, though, which I have done 26 times. Man, that golden liquid really does seem interesting. Are there hangovers? Let's try it. … No wait! I'm still a minor. The cops could be watching this for all I know! … People! Help me out here! I don't want to be a stereotypical rebel/problem child, but being a good boy means I miss out on one of the unknown experiences that change and ruin lives." It smells pretty funny, but all the more reason to appreciate it. Kayaba sure does know his stuff. "Oh screw it," and there went my drink again. "ANOTHER!"

After that "discussion", I turned my attention back to the small guild in front of me, and I saw a closely-knit group of friends, borderline family. If only I could ever get out of my shell in real life, then maybe … I thought, 'I just might enjoy being with these people.'

However after another couple minutes, I was snapped out of my train of thought when a drunk slurred behind me, "Oii~ Kirrtooo~. Yurr douuu knowrrr~ thaur~ yuh lieee~ twicccsss~ theee' nuubeeezh~ leve- …"

Don't ruin it, you drunk bastard, so with an Embracer, "NOOOOO!" Var went flying into the wall, causing the Immortal Object window to appear.

Rubbing his cheek, he slowly opened his addled-minded, slit eyes until he seemed at least near fully alert. He began looking around the ale house for a couple seconds before glaring at me with his eyebrows slowly coming together. After a moment of silence for his former drunk self, he finally spoke, "Brosky … What. The. Hell. What the fuck was that for, you asshole-licking son of a bitch's crap-shitty, cocksucking cunt?" Behind me, the M.B.C. cringed at the language. Can't blame them. But don't fuck with my mother like that, bastard, or any of my family for the matter.

He somehow read my look and continued, "Don't give me that, K. I had to deal with all kinds of crazy shit today that I would have traded for taking on the whole fucking Labyrinth and if I had 300 times the luck I have now, end up saving those people, too. Hordes of mobs after my ass. Slashing and bashing monsters. Running under buildings. Stopping this virtual death game. This – this is bullshit, man! (Sigh) I'm trying to keep it together." Man, he does look like he had a rough day with that pissed off of a face. Sighing, he again monologues, "Then Argo tracks me down for another interview. We talk a bit. How I felt about the game as of far. How my life is probably shit now. What kind of crap will we deal with in the future. Then next thing you know, my nonexistent love life – and I mean, what the hell? We both get a little conversational and all that. I talk about having no game. She talks about assholes in her past. We exchange some words, then I give her a shake. Next thing you know she comes at me with fury hell hath none. Bitches are crazy, dammit. And now I TP here because there's an ale house with pretty good ale and I wanted to show the viewers the possibility of getting drunk and then you punch me in the face, instantly making me sober. Like what the hell, Kayaba? Does this mean I could get high, and all I need to do is get someone to Falcon Punch me? … Oh yeah, that reminds me."

He instantly gets up on his feet before walking up to me, "Falcon …" He raised a glowing red fist. But how? Did he complete the Martial Arts quest, but got something different? "PUNCH!" Holy crap, that hurts like hell. It felt like a giant jet just rammed me in the face, leaving me behind the afterburners.

A random patron noticed the act and yelled, "BAR FIGHT, F-ZERO STYLE!" before running up to another random player and "Falcon … PUNCH!"

"Falcon PUNCH!"

"Falcon Punch?"

"Falcon Punch."

"FALCON PUNCH!"

My head slowly turned to see the brawl begin with several older players exchanging blows with again glowing red fists. Then, others seemed to get the hang of it and counterattacked. Even the Moonlit Black Cats joined the fray. Except for Sachi, apparently, who ran up to me dodging the other brawlers. However, one player (a girl, a bit surprisingly) came up behind her prepared to land a blow on Sachi. Before I could get past my struggle to cry out, the blue girl swiftly turned around and with that cute "FALCON PUNCH!" (Inner Onee-chan Kirito: KAWAIII!) gave an uppercut to the backstabber. After that, I blacked out. What has this world come to?

[_5/9/23_ | _1:49 p.m._ | _Floor 20_]

Sitting on the side of a grassy hill, I looked at the guy lying next to me reading the _Weekly Argo_.

"(Sigh). The lead groups have just cleared Floor 28, eh?" Putting it away, he asked, "Kirito, what's the difference between the lead groups and us?"

"They know all the fastest ways to get EXP, and they don't share." 'Like the Black Beater, for example.'

"Really? I'm sure that's part of it, but I think it's willpower."

"Willpower?" What does he mean by that? We're in virtual bodies, so it would be a question if they even have our 'souls' within them. But then again, spiritual stuff gives me a headache. I might as well go insane like Var. (Remembers Var's mindless babble on philosophy.) Damn.

"Well, I suppose you can think of it as determination to protect one's friends or, heck, everyone. And they still are protecting us, but I think my will is just as strong. Like how our friends and family are first priority. However, we still want to get up there with the rest to the top."

"I see."

But the yellow thief himself decided to crash the party, "Oi, leader!"

"D-Ducker! Come ooooooon …"

And the rest of the group walked up to him as well, smiling in amusement.

"You think we'll get up there with the Holy Dragon Alliance or the Knights of the Blood Oath?"

"Wh-What?! That's crazy! We have to think small for now, guys!"

"How about going for level 30?"

"Th-that's impossible!" And the guild went on with their laughter.

That's quite touching for him to see Clearers in that light. It may not apply to all of them, but if they all did, those players could really be great role models to get everyone else to clear this "game". With ideals like that, Keita would be a great influence if he gets enough prestige in the ranks. But for now, I think he loves being with his friends now.

[_6/22/23 _| _11:02 a.m._]

Sigh. The last couple of months went by really well, in my opinion. They really worked hard to level up and are just about ready for the front in a month or two if we keep this up. But for now, the guild had earned enough Col to afford a base to stay in, so Keita's going out to look up some.

Keita looked back at us, closing his menu after a funds check before he leaves, "So hang tight, guys. I'll be back in the afternoon after I come back from Starting City. Then, we can all take a look at our new place, okay?"

The rest of us joined in a collective cheer, "Oi!"

So the brown-clad guild leader headed to the teleport gate, and with a "Teleport: Starting City" he was gone.

What to do now? More grinding, maybe?

Ducker, though, had a more daring idea, "Hey Kirito! Let's go take on a dungeon! We should be ready for something a bit harder. We might even surprise Keita with all the Col we got!"

Ever since the Labyrinth where I saved them, the guild has been taking it safe all this time, and the lower-level monsters are getting even Tetsuo bored. It looks like we could go for something that's more of a challenge. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? I nodded in agreement. (**Goddammit, man! FAMOUS LAST WORDS, brah! I swear to Kayaba, your ass is haunted!**)

[_**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 230**]

"Brrhubbabrabrah …" and I rubbed my shivering arms apprehensively.

The monochrome-coated player next to me stopped spinning his spear, "You okay, Var?"

"Naw, man. I'm fine. Just got a chill. Hate the fuckin' cold. But I just have a bad feeling for some reason that someone's either quoting me or said something really fucking stupid. Maybe both."

[_Floor 27 Labyrinth_ | **Kirito's P.O.V.**]

With a final cleave, the monster shattered to polygons like the rest of its brethren that we met in this corridor. Taking in the lightly-worn appearances of the guild members, they look like they're still eager for more.

'Did they really need me to come with them?' But with some hindsight, there's Tetsuo's last bad experience in a Labyrinth, Sasamaru's delicacy, Ducker's childish antics, and, of course, Sachi. 'Of course they do. I can't fail Keita for letting anyone get in danger like last time. Hell, I can't fail any of my friends here.' It feels funny having friends. For the past couple months, I have the time of my life, but in this place, I feel some constant sort of dread and have to protect them to not see what shit will hit the fan.

"Hey guys! Come over here! Found something!" Ducker waved excitedly from a side hall. All of us ran over to a mostly empty room save for the small chest in the center. Surprisingly, the atmosphere coming from the entrance really didn't sit well with my virtual gut. It's definitely a trap, and if I was more of my usual self, I probably would've just sprung it anyways. However, I have a really bad feeling about this.

The thief only glued his eyes on the prospect of awesome treasure and rushed to the chest, "Come on, guys. Let's crack this baby open!" And with a creak, the top was lifted. By then, the entrance closed behind the rest of us who have already stepped in a couple feet inside the room with me in the rear.

The room soon turned dark into a shadowy red as monsters have suddenly spawned out of nowhere. Mineral Elementals and Dwarven Miners. Shit, these guys are all out of their league! If only I had my Clearer gear, I could handle these guys long enough for us to make it, but …

"Dammit! Everyone get out of here! Use your crystals!" I yelled before parrying a pickaxe and knocking the offending dwarf back.

Ducker already pulled a teleportation crystal out of his pockets and tried to activate it. Nothing. "Huh? C'mon, work!" This is worse than I thought. A fucking Anti-Crystal Zone.

Everyone else is already having trouble defending themselves from the onslaught of monsters. The best we can do is go on the defense and regroup so that we can hold out until we can get out of here somehow. I yelled at the top of my lungs, "EVERYONE, TRY TO GET BACK! STAND BACK-TO-BACK IN DEFENSIVE POSITIONS!" Without looking at me at all, they grunted in affirmative and backpedaled to me pushing away their foes.

Once we all stood surrounded, all we could do was trying to recover from the ambush taking in ragged breaths from our shock. I lashed out at the swinging stone arm, chopping it off from the Elemental before finishing it. Crap, if only I could change to my Clearer gear right now then I might just be able to take care of these guys by myself.

"Gah!"

"Hurk!"

"Hufhufhuh…"

"Aaaaah!"

No, I will not let any more players die and my friends here are definitely not going to on my watch! Ducker swiped furiously in long sweeps desperately fending off the Miners. Sasamaru gave a couple fearful jabs at the Elementals. Tetsuo hid behind his shield continuously taking the abuse from the pickaxes and arms slamming down on it. But of all things to happen, Sachi was knocked on the side by an Elemental, having her skidding on the floor with health bar dropping to the late yellow. By then, my vision began to turn blurry with a yellowish tinge on the colors in it. With a primal cry of rage I threw myself to the fray hacking apart the Miner. No matter what equipment I have on me, no matter how much they hate me, I am the Kuro no Kenshi – The Black Swordsman. I am the Beater. But despite these titles, I am still a Clearer. I have fought and fought for the past several months to not only free myself but for everyone else. Like Keita said, maybe it's about willpower because I definitely feel like I have the will to protect my fellow guild members and friends. As a member of the lead group, it is my will to protect everyone from death in this game. Sure I'm unsuccessful, but I cannot fail this time!

However, to my great surprise and ignored delight, the entrance behind us opened, and two figures stood by the doorway. Looking around a little older than me, the first was in a coat very similar to mine except colored in a mix of blacks, grays, and whites. His face was calm and collected with his seemingly light gray eyes. The long black hair was tied to a small ponytail coming shoulder-length. Once his view came upon us, his eyes narrowed into a stormy, intense look before rushing forward with the two-handed spear he wielded. The other was a very heavily-armored figure, apparently iron armor and a shining helm, and he wielded a two-handed hammer (the only problem? The guy used one hand to hold it. What?). With a bellow reminiscent to a Viking/dwarf from one of my older games, he charged into battle. Who are these people?

[_2:55 p.m._ | _Floor 27 Labyrinth_ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play**]

"So, what're you gonna do when ya' meet 'em?" I asked.

"Don't know, Var. Give them a huge hug. Plead for mercy when they line up to punch me in the face for not being there. Spread the love. Tap that ass I wanted for so long," my friend jokingly replied.

"You really do like her shy, do ya'?"

"(Sigh) Well, she did take care of me since forever IRL. And besides she's beautiful that way."

"That's a good man," I chuckled, and then to seemingly myself, "Yeah, guys, don't tell the girl you love she's 'hot'. Say 'beautiful'. It's just the good thing to do …" Weird mental silence, "What the hell am I saying? I never have been in a relationship before. What can I tell you guys besides ripping off pasted notes on Fanfiction profiles?"

"Again, are you okay?" the other guy put his hand on my shoulder.

"Eh, yeahyeah, I'm fine. Nothing but a …"

"Aaaah!" a muffled shriek rang around the hallway.

"Sachi!"

"Your girl? Cheating on you now?"

"Fuck that, Var! Let's go!" And the dude sped off to his damsel in distress.

I followed as well, "Everybody out there, today we have our first rescue mission. Today we must save the lives of innocent players. So, men, let's do this. Wait what? You're not helping from out there? Too bad you insufferable pricks, I'll save these people with Gale here." My voice suddenly turned to a Scottish and/or Viking-Scandinavian accent, "Why did I just turn to my Iron Hills loadout?"

We came across a hallway around the corner with the rings of weapon clashes on the other side of a wall. My friend, named 'Gale', swept his hands all over it looking for any cracks or entrances, and I scanned the surface as well, coming to a keyhole-sized indent. With an iron boot an entrance was made revealing the dozens of monsters inside, and we saw the group under attack. 5 players deduced from whatever info I got from Gale and the man in black were my friend's old guild and Kirito. And the monsters were Mineral Elementals and DWARVEN Miners. No wonder I turned to this loadout. At the sight of a blue-clad girl lying on the floor groaning, Gale instantly rushed forward with intent to impale the Elemental preparing a final blow.

The girl woke up to see her savior and positively beamed, "Zenka? Is that you?"

And then Gale sidestepped a pickaxe before calmly having another virtual shish-kebob, "Yeah, it's me. It certainly wasn't easy finding you guys, and first thing I see is you guys in a mess like this," he replied in a sarcastic monotone.

The three other guys started gasping in amazement, "It is you! Where the hell have you been Gale? / Nice to see you again. / Finally, you join the _party_. Get it?"

When everything else was going to shit like this, I charged forward with a mighty battle cry and swung my hammer downwards flattening a monster to pixels.

Still with my accented voice, "Do you want me to bring down the HAMMER?!" Another lot was sent flying with another sweep, "You'll have to do a lot better than that, lads! Actually make this fight a challenge for me!"

With his great Agility and tankiness, Gale constantly protected his long-lost friends wielding his two-handed spear to keep the assailants at bay. Kirito was yelling his lungs out going full demon mode, hacking and slashing with wild abandon. Overall, my mind was getting pretty crazy from all this, so I did the best thing I could think of. I added something to the chaos.

Raising my palm in a halting gesture, "Stop! STOP! Listen for a moment here!" Everyone was still fighting, "Hey, I need to say something! Jesus, so rude!" Still fighting. You just UNLEASHED THE DWAWVES OV EWEBOWR! Eyes ablaze in fury and slamming my warhammer to the ground for effect, my roar shook the entire room, "Lowly monsters and kinsmen! I am KING DAIN, SON OF NAIN, SON OF GROR, YOUNGEST BROTHER OF THROR, DESCENDANT OF THE LINE OF DURIN, FRIENDS WITH A COLLEGE ROOMATE AND HIS PONY, MASTER OF PIGGIES, SLAYER OF THE WHITE FATHER-KILLING SON OF A BITCH, LORD OF THE IRON HILLS, KING UNDER THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN! Who are you to oppose me and my allies?! You pieces of rubble are just figments of a child's strange imagination, and you miners have betrayed my rule and have become lower than any good dwarf should! FEAR MY FURY!" and awkward silence filled it just after. The players looked at me with the most awkwardly surprised faces and added sweatdrops as if I had gone insane. (**That has been happening a lot now, hasn't it?**) Even the monsters can't help but stare bug-eyed wondering what entity of randomness has appeared before them. "Now, come at me for a glorious battle to the death so that the gods above may revel in my badassery!" Everyone was still stunned at my performance (well, maybe except Kirito and Gale. They always had a good notion that I was a tad eccentric) and have done nothing to continue the battle. "Very well then, come on!"

Within 3 seconds, I equipped an axe and shield with a couple swipes on the menu in one, the next second I positioned myself in a supposedly defensive stance with my now glowing shield in front braced against my shoulder and the axe at my side, and at the last one I rocketed forward with my Shield Skill – Shoulder Charge. As if I were a semi, the charge sent monsters in my path flying to the ceiling and walls like roadkill. Snapping out of their dumbfounded confusion, the rest of the players resumed the fight as well. Kirito began his storm of slashes and parries to cut down all the remaining enemies. The guild continued fendin off the assault. Gale spun his spear around like some master martial artist from one of my mom's Asian dramas/action movies. I went nuts with burying my axe into split skulls (and rock head thingies). So all in all, the whole thing lasted for another 15 minutes of crazy fighting before the last of the bad guys died.

Through their huffs and puffs, the reunited friends conversed with their missing guild member.

Tetsuo asked first, "So, Gale, where've you been?"

"I've been wandering solo ever since. Could never find you guys for some strange reason until now."

Sasamaru posed the next, "Then, what level are you now?"

"Oh, I'm level 32. And I'm building on AGI/DEF."

Ducker now had something to say, "Wait, are you in the lead group?"

"Yeah, I'm a Clearer."

The blonde already screamed in excitement and crushed Gale in a hug with anime tears streaming down his face. Man, can't this get any more like some anime for guys looking for badasses with swords and girls. With the fact that it takes place in a video game as a perk.

(Jesus Christ, why am I breaking a wall.) (**Well, bruh, you do talk to hypothetical viewers out IRL.**) (That's a completely different matter, Grim.) (**Don't fuck with me, Var. You're my bitch and I'm the pimp.**) (Yeah, you should really go fuck off somewhere.) (**Screw you.**) (What're ya gonna do? Cockblock me when I'm about to get laid by a girl I REALLY FUCKING LIKE?) (**Why didn't I think of that? Thanks for the idea, asshole.**) (You should already know what I'm thinking. After all, you are the au –)

"You're so awesome, Gale! Kirito was right after all! We can be at the top!" the thief exclaimed his revelation of joy.

"Wait? Kirito?"

Sachi came up behind the coated spearman and tapped his shoulder nervously, "Yeah, he saved us a couple months ago. And since he was around our levels, Keita let him join the guild."

"How can that be? You guys already are at that high a level?"

The girl tilted her head confusedly, "What do you mean? We're only in twenties, for now."

Gale then started widened his eyes in surprise, "But Kirito is nowhere around your level. He should be twice that. After all, he is the _Kuro no Kenshi_, the Black Beater."

I laughed wholeheartedly at that, and he pointed at me, "You were there when he met them. Didn't you tell them?"

"Nah. First thing, I was drunk off my ass. Second thing, Kirito pretty much needed a social life outside of being a black badass/lone wolf. Last thing, I discovered the Falcon Punch in this game."

The guild members gaped in astonishment, except Sachi who smiled sweetly. "Wh-what? We had a Beater with us all this time. And not only that, but the best one of them all? B-but his equipment …"

The said player spoke for himself, "Was to look like I was your level in stats and Col. Sorry, I should've told you guys, but I couldn't bear being rejected for who I am." He added the last part sadly.

"Oh yeah, Kirito. Ya know that I thought Gale here was your twin brother or something. Coats. Black hair. Dark colors. Poker faces. Emo aura. The works," I commented remembering the first time I met the guy with a spear and coat in Floor 29. The locally famous _Yari no Yami_.

Kirito and Gale glared at me with ticks on their foreheads (Yet another anime device.) (**Shut up, man!**) before simultaneously, "Seriously?! WE'RE NOT EMO!"

**[-]**

**Well that's another chapter after SOOO FREAKING LONG! Yeah, this chapter was not as focused on Var this time, but on Kirito. Because well, I liked the episode for what it did to Kirito (Okay, a bit pushing the PTSD but still interesting). So, I will be doing some more chaps like this from the canon characters' P.O.V.**

**On to the next point, if anyone was a little annoyed at my twisting of canon by saving the M.B.C. and adding another OC. That wasn't my idea nor my original intent until I got PMed by a guy who requested it after last chapter. Since this is like my first story and all, I talked with the guy a bit to iron out the details for Gale and BOOM! I just popped in a new OC to the mix for the M.B.C. to have their asses saved. If you don't like this change, deal with it. It's been done.**

**Back to a happier note, the 'OPENING' for LPSAO was requested by the same guy above and hope you guys liked that. Hope you listened to the song plus enjoyed the visualization that I tried to describe into words from my imagination.**

**Now on to the reviews:**

**Skyar Triv – Well, I can't thank you enough for the kind words, and I hope for more epic boss battles to come.**

**Link7934 (Guest) – I've been watching Let's Plays and Walkthroughs ever since I was 6 or 7 when I wanted to help my cousin with his Pokemon Emerald, so I love those vids so much. And I wish I could see other video game anime/games/books/movies/etc. with a Let's Play concept like this that would be something very enjoyable in the future of Fanfiction. (Oh hell, what am I saying? But glad you like the concept. Sorry for lack of LP commentary in this chapter. ^_^)**

**Siris the Drakonid(Ender Mage?) – Just how many times have you changed your profile name? But, man, you're hungry.**

**rjm324 – Glad you did.**

**Axel the Moon (PMer) – Sorry I didn't put much Gale into this, but I promise more of him next chapter! Be glad that the guild survived, though! (Yeah, I didn't like that rescue as much as I would. But eh, this is what you get.)**

**Going to busy for these next couple months with high school and science fairs comin' up. But until then, comment, subscribe, and like for the next episode! This is GrimRangerLock and hope you enjoyed your break.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Ho Ho Ho! The Season of Love, Feels, Good Tidings, and Sentai?

[_5:43 p.m._ | _6/22/23_ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 230**]

Seeing the happy bunch that will bulldoze through the roads of chaos, hardship, and monsters, I couldn't help but say out loud …

"Friendship is magic."

"Did you say something, Var?" a voice softly asked with kind, blue eyes.

"Uhhhhhhhhh… , nothin'." I said a bit quicker than I should have. 'Flutters', I thought.

Fortunately for me, Sachi merely looked at me for a bit longer before going back to talking with her new official guild member. I watched as she hugged his arm causing my fellow tank player to instantly blush as if he's in a hot spring and smile dreamily with fantasizing, glazed-over, basically perverted eyes. The guy really likes her, but then again with his backstory I wouldn't be surprised. Asian soap operas and rom-coms plus romance anime plus romance fanfics for the win, suckas! (**Even I don't get what the hell he meant.**)

Anyways, back to the others.

Meanwhile, the Black Cats' Guy Trio (aka Tetsuo, Sasamaru, and Ducker) went to look around the new house bought by Keita earlier in the afternoon, and their footsteps, roughhousing, and yells rang out inside of it.

"(THUD!) (CRACK!) Ugh, sorry guys I didn't see where I was going and …"

"Shut up, No Eyes! Check out the bathroom we got here! Porcelain sinks, ivory showers, clean bowls, and shining bathtubs! There's even Mr. Rubber Ducky! (SQUEAK!) (SQUEAK!) ~Heheheh~"

I thought to myself, 'Please God/Kami/Kayaba/etc., I really hope that Ducker doesn't have Ernie for a middle name or something.'

"Ducker, why are you putting that in your pocket?"

"Because Cappy, I need another good luck charm in case we ever get into another goddamned anti-crystal area like last time!"

And their banter soon went out one ear and out the other for me.

Actually in front of the door were the two figures of Kirito and the current guild leader Keita. Kirito still looked gloomy from the recent events, but as of far Keita looked pretty cool with it. Let's see what's next in the conservation. I walked up to them to hear better and watched the scene unfold.

"Again, Keita, I'm very sorry for lying. I almost had your guild – your family – killed. I should leave before I cause any more trouble."

"Aiyiyiyi, Kirito, how many times do I have to tell you? I already spent the first 5 minutes of conversation raging about this whole day but finally ended it with forgiving you. What else do I have to say to get the message through your stubborn skull?"

"But still! You don't need me anymore! Gale is a Beater, too, and a real friend."

"Kirito, why are you not one of our friends? You think these last few months were just you being all professional about training a group of mid-level players like acquaintances? You're the one guy who I could talk to about all of my friends …"

"You shouldn't have trusted me …"

"the one who could talk to Tetsuo and Sasamaru like classmates at school …"

"Isn't that borderline acquaintance?"

"the one who Ducker and Sachi look up to you like a brother who can do anything!"

"But …, but …"

"And that's why you're our true friend and that we'll have you still be a member of our guild until we can hold our own without you. Just like you intended! So as much as I want you to throw you over a bridge for letting everyone in the dungeon in the first place but I can't, what do you say?"

Kirito held a long, sad, but now calculating gaze onto Keita's face before relaxing with a small smile on his lips, "Well, okay then."

That ended their conversation on the high note, and I felt like time was running out for the video before I should sign off. One last thing, though.

"And that ends Kirito's well-meaning deception to the Moonlit Black Cats. After a couple months of hiding his true identity from his cared ones, he is now force to leave that shell, and look at him now! It all went great! Now if you guys were ever wondering how I randomly changed loadouts, well lads, that's a tale for another day. And we've met the new Beater, Gale who's a spear-wielding tank with a very similar sense of style to Kirito. But then again, what handsome dude wouldn't look awesome in a black/white/gray/Oreo/monochrome coat? So everybody, this is just a Let's Play. A _Sword Art Online_ Let's Play. Varlancer out." Video end.

[_9:27 p.m._ | _12/24/23_ | _Floor 49_ | _**Sword Art Online **_**Let's Play Part 384 1/2**)]

_So this is Aincrad  
And what has it done  
One life's now over  
And a new one just begun_

_And so this is Aincrad  
I hope you survive  
The friends and the guild-mates  
The dead or alive_

_A very crappy Aincrad  
And fuckin' Kayaba  
Let's hope we clear this shit  
With a big 'Oorah'!_

_And so this is Aincrad  
Low levels and high ones  
Players and NPCs  
Don't make any wrongs_

_And so this damn Aincrad  
For the n00bs and testers  
For Clearers and Beaters  
All need a rester_

_A very crappy Aincrad  
And fuckin' Kayaba  
Let's hope we clear this shit  
With a big 'Oorah'!_

_And so this is Aincrad  
And what has it done  
One life's now over  
And a new one just begun_

_And so this is Aincrad  
I hope you survive  
The friends and the guild-mates  
The dead or alive_

_A very merry Christmas_

_And a happy New Year  
Let's hope it's a good one  
Without any fear_

_Game'll be over over  
If we clear it  
Game'll be over  
Now..._

As I slowly strummed the last chord, I just sensed a couple presences and heard their claps until I suddenly opened my eyes to see the whole square filled with people in applause. (I like singing with my eyes closed, and the square was empty at the time. I'm surprised that I didn't at least smell someone's food or something.)

"Eeeh?! Where the hell did these people come from?" I suddenly stood up from my sitting position and frantically looking around the whole area with wide eyes.

A female player who looks likes she's a preteen came up to me jumping up and down in excitement, "What's your name? What'syournamewhat'syournamewhat'syourname…" Geez, girl. It was only a parody. That doesn't mean I'm a pop star or anything.

"Uh, Varlancer. Or Var, for short."

She then randomly brought out a sword from her inventory and put it in my hands, "May I have your autograph, Var-sama?"

"Uh, I don't have a pen or anything, so yeah …" she brought out a small dagger. Well, I could just scratch the thing on … wait a minute. "Wait, Var-_sama_?!" It was only a fucking parody!

She gave a cheeky smile, "Yes, Var-sama's the one who also sang that rock song last year when the first floor was cleared, correct?"

Rock song from the first floor? Oh, she means that time when I sang "ft." How the hell did she even hear that at the time much less know that it was me?

Then, even more fangirls were screaming out, "Sign my weapon, too! / No, sign my armor! / Put me on your friend list! / Let me join your guild! / … VAR-SAMA!"

No. What part of the armor, heheheh … (MENTAL PIMP SLAP!) (**Not now, you _baka no ecchi_**). No. And hell no, never been in a guild and not planning to anytime soon. Either way, I need to escape the horde now because now some of the guys are getting pissed, too.

"_Teme_! / I'll bust your face in, playa! / Come out and face me, music boy! / I'll wreck you, piano man!" (I play a frickin' guitar, man. How can you not tell? But the song by Billy Joel wasn't that bad.)

Having escaped countless monster mobs because of my apparent shit Luck, sprinting away from this mob of humans is not much different. The problem was losing them in time for my meeting with Argo, Kirito, Keita, and Gale about the event boss in a couple hours from now. So, as I was sprinting away and turned a corner far enough from where I started, I then circled back to the tree and hid in the branches somehow. After a good five minutes, I poked my head and saw the coast was clear, and I dropped down only to see a little girl turn around to see me as if waiting. Suddenly, a trade window popped up.

"Uh, Var … -_sama_, uh, I wanted to, uh, thank you for singing such a nice song and the one from last year, well, uh, except for some of the cussing. So, uh, here's some Col to help you," she nervously fidgeted around and avoided my eyes.

Hmph, she seems nice enough. I smiled warmly in gratitude, "Thank you," and I accepted the 1500 Col she offered. As she was about to turn and leave, a trade window in front of her face.

It read, "Varlancer wants to give you 15000 Col. Do you accept? Accept/Decline"

As her eyes widened in surprise, I knelt down and put my hand on her shoulder, "But you know what? I'm usually the one who lends people money back in the real world. So, translation: I'm more of the giving-type than a taking-type. I end up losing all of my food though, but eh. You have family?"

"Not in the game, but I do stay at the orphanage from the first floor. We all came here to see the tree."

"Well, kid, share these with your friends and maybe let the caretaker have some. Merry Christmas, little one."

With sparkling eyes, she exclaimed happily, "Thank you, Var-sama!"

"No, just call me Var."

"Merry Christmas to you too! Have a good one, Var!"

Running back to the crowds, I sighed in content. Now, back to my meeting.

(_5 minutes later_)

I walked up to see the bench with the familiar heads of Kirito, Gale, and Keita on the seat with Argo leaning on it.

"Yo. Sorry I'm late."

The three guys turned their heads around to look at me, and Gale asked, "Where've you been all this time? Don't tell me you got a date just now?"

"And why do you look like an outlaw or something minus the Santa hat?" Keita added in.

I stared down at myself and saw myself in a tattered, leather coat with a pair of torn trousers, cowboy-style boots, and (like Keita said) a Santa hat. I really need to get that Skill under control, or else who knows what I'm gonna change into next time. Scrolling down my inventory to change my loadout, I went back to their questions. You know what? I'll keep the Santa hat.

"Well, some things came up and stuff happened here and there. None of your concern," Wow, the stars look really good tonight. Okay, back to earth I go.

"Oh, but how was the performance? I heard you made a big hit single," Argo teased with a knowing smirk.

I raised a brow, "And where did you get this info from?"

"Oh, as if the horde of fangirls and jealous guys screaming your name wasn't enough. And the fact I saw you with your little guitar back at the tree only helped."

Gale swore, "Oh dammit, Var! First Kirito, and now you! Who else is gonna be stuck in the confines of sexual tension with me? You're even a bi!"

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, "It didn't end up like that. They all thought of me as some new one-man boy band like that Ed Sheeran guy or one of those blokes from One Direction. Girls wanted my babies because of my 'concert' a while ago, and other guys don't like those guys if you know what I mean."

Kirito cleared his throat harshly, prompting for all of us to pipe down, and he turned to the Rat, "What else do you have on the flag boss? Does anyone know where it'll appear?"

"Ki-bou, I agreed to answer your first question for what you gave me. For the next one, I'll need extra."

"Argo …"

"Okay, okay. This is a first-time event, meaning it never came up in the beta. So, I got nothing else worth charging you for besides what you already got."

I summarized what we already knew, "Meaning that 'twas the night before Christmas, when all beneath a certain fir tree. Not a mob will be stirring, probably including Sachi. We'll ready our equipment with care, in hopes that Nicholas the Renegade will be there."

The information broker giggled at the parodying of yet another Christmas classic, "Var, are you sure you shouldn't get hired by Kayaba for making the game announcements?"

I joked, "Nope, I'll just be infinitely fined for making criminally bad copyright infringement."

[_11:10 p.m._ | _Christmas Eve _| _Floor 35, Forest Maze_ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 314 ½**]

"Well, kids. We're off to see Nicky, whom I guess is probably Santa's rogue brother. Wonder what you guys think it is. But something I forgot to mention, there's the other reason to why I'm joining in on the fun. Rumor has it that good ol' Renegade Nick will drop an extremely rare item, definitely the only one of its kind, that can instantly revive a player with no health. Yeah, that's what I said. Wonder what it's gon' be like, though. A yellow diamond thing that you have to eat and only gives half health. Or an herb that tastes like the worst, bitter med ever. Or maybe it's a ring that you got to, like, turn and shake around three times or shit. Or a gauntlet that can like 'Reviving Rasengan' people in that sci-fi hunting game with that old medic dude. But either way, a revive is a revive, and we won't be the only ones after this good shit."

With our little group consisting of me, Kirito, and the Moonlit Black Cats (Gale is a member, don't forget); we were casually wandering the forest in the direction towards where Kirito supposedly thinks the 'certain fir tree' is. After the whole near-death experience back at Floor 27, the traumatized really didn't want to die again, so we organized this little treasure hunt for the one item that can save players from death to get their spirits up. "With that being said, let's get right to it, eh?"

"Var, stop talking to yourself and hurry up so we can find the boss sooner!" Gale called out from the line.

"Well sor-ry, Mr. Fastest Tank Alive. I'm carrying quite a bit of stuff here that you wimps can't handle for even a second. So excuse me for being the lagging pack mule here!"

Kirito pointed out, "But you volunteered to carry all of our potions and crystals, and you were the one dumb enough to bring an arsenal big enough to start a war."

"Yeah, out of the goodness of my heart and Christmas spirit. Best to be prepared; didn't say I could go run a mile in 8 minutes."

As we came across a small clearing, blue glows flashed, and an old friend made himself known, "Yo!" And there's Klein. Actually haven't seen the bloke in a while.

Sort of to my surprise, the Black Swordsman (I mean, come on. Being emo might as well be in his blood from what I can tell) deadpanned, "You followed us?"

The red samurai joyfully replied, "Yeah."

"After the revival item?"

"Yeah?" the man looked a bit uneasy now, and as he examined closely, he took an angry expression, "What's with that, Kirito? C'mon! Let's team up, and whoever gets the item keeps it with no hard feelings, so …"

"Then there'd be no point."

Klein's right. What's with the cold shoulder? I looked around and saw that everyone else had shadowed their faces. Logically, of course teaming up is a good thing. Then again, we came for not only an item but reassurance. Having no idea what's on their minds, I guess it's something sentimental about this battle.

Gale backed him up with an icily calm tone, "This is something we should do ourselves. Make sure that you stay out of it."

Yep, that should confirm it. Hold the phone, Klein's followed _us_ here. With the three of us high-level players on our side, we should've been more cautious about how our info got leaked. No offense to the guy, but that means people even more devious can follow Fuurinkazan as well. Damn plotlines. If I learned anything from all of those times being a bookworm and these guys really need to do it (**That's what she said!**), might as well help them out.

Trade windows popped up in front of my comrades, and they all looked at me weirdly.

"Why are you giving these back to us, Var?" Tetsuo asked.

"Yeah, you do know that we were just joking back there," Ducker looked confused.

I answered firmly, "Take them and head for the boss right now." Then, a wider blue flash spread behind Klein and the others, and other players emerged battle-ready.

Kirito accepted and drew his sword, "You were followed, too, Klein."

"Looks that way," said player growled and took his stand.

An entire company of players with plain, metallic plate armor stood smirking with their swords and shields, and they look pretty confident in their numbers. Well, good luck with that, guv'nors.

"And it looks like that this'll be a much more interesting battle than with another boss. Haven't ever done any PvPing ever in this game, now that I think about it. Well, viewers, sorry for not seeing Santa, but I just want to do this," I apologized to everyone out there.

"The Holy Dragon Alliance?"

"Well, they will do anything for a rare item."

I chuckled a little, "Yeah, 'Holy' organizations aren't the ones with the best reputations in MMOs. 'Dragon'? Okay, that's cool. But 'Alliance' is a problem child. America knows just how Washington felt about those things."

"What?" Sachi tilted her head in pure curiosity.

I shrugged carelessly, "That they are tricky business and best to be avoided at all times. Prez Number One specifically wrote down that we should never get involved with foreign countries beyond trade and good neutral relations, much less getting into alliances with them. But we all know how that turned out. Not necessarily a bad thing at some times, but still very messy."

After that little history lesson, I shouted out, "Black Cats! Take the heals and go get that item!"

Klein stood beside me, "Go Kirito! We'll hold them off!"

The small guild nodded and accepted the trades, running off with Kirito to the battle that awaits them while I stay back to kick some holy ass.

"Hey, Klein?"

"Yeah, Var?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Why?"

"'Cuz it's secret, duh."

"Okay … Oh yeah, why are you in casual clothes?"

Donning only a forest green sweater, navy jeans, gloves, and the Santa hat; I do wonder how I never notice these things. Oh well, another night just being me. But seriously, I need to actually be in armor, and I know just how that will happen.

Doing the Naruto-style two-fingers-on-a-palm hand sign now glowing like a Sword Skill, "SENTAI …" I brought my right hand back into a fist with the other on the wrist, "AVATAR CHANGE!" I punched forward, "HAAAAA!"

The atmosphere darkened in shadow with the snow falling, and the glow on my two hands soon enveloped my whole self making me resemble the figure on the Avatar section on the menu. On my hands appeared white gloves with plates on the tops of them and the knuckles. Dark green boots with shin guards covered the footwear areas. The torso armor was made up of rusty brown chain mail with hardened leather patches, and a shoddy cloak in various shades of grays covered me from the shoulders down. My legs were covered in ashen gray pants. A Saxon Seax-like knife hung around my waist, and my trademark round shield slung on my back. And finally, my head was concealed in a metal helmet with a black visor shaped like a four-pointed star, compass-style. (**Sorry for bad description and/or armor fashion sense. Guy's gotta dream.**)

With only my back facing them and the wind howling, "The shadows surround the cloak. The cloak covers me. The nonexistent overwatch. King's Ranger, Okokukage Halto! (BAM!)" and I turned around like a badass.

Outstretching my arms as if holding a ball, "Sentai Transform…" then extending a 'come at me' pose, "Varlaranger!"

In a theatric hand motion of my left hand, I totally unintentionally flipped the bird at them, "A-sanjou!"

(**If anyone at all completely got the main reference (there's a secondary one, too) for this entire scene by now, I applaud you. I don't know how or why, but if you do recognize it, I'll probably feel a lot happier inside. And if you know the whole thing, then yes that was his helmet.)**

During the whole 20 seconds of my transformation sequence that is only a glorified loadout change without all the menu hassle plus immediately giving off permanent aggro for monsters all wrapped up into a Unique Skill, not one enemy decided to attack me. It's either they're stunned once again by my insanity (as usual), or that whole thing about enemies-not-attacking-you-while-transforming virtue is true in this case. Wow. Just wow.

"Uh, what the hell just happened?"

I shrugged and flipped the hood of my cloak over my head, "Oh, nothing," and I leaped backward and disappeared in the trees.

One of the HDA members standing in the back, probably one of the leaders, smirked at the samurai guild, "Heh, looks like your guy ditched you weaklings, and we didn't even raise a sword," but his eyes fearfully darted around the surrounding forest.

If anyone else were to see from the third-person perspective, one might say that a cloak just walked out of the trees behind the trash-talker. Crouching, I stabbed upwards on the back of his thigh bringing him on his knees. With two slashes, the knife cut off both of his arms until I vanished once again from sight leaving the poor man at the yellow and dropping to the red.

My voice echoed around the clearing, "Did you see that, guys? DID YOU SEE THAT?! I just shanked him like Hank the Shank! Oh yeah! Get shanked you little pricks. 'CUZ I'M GOING TO CARVE OUT YOUR INSIDES AND USE MY COOKING SKILL TO MAKE FUCKING CUPCAKES WITH THEM! You hear me?! CUPCAKES!" (**If any fans of a certain … um … party animal was offended; I'm terribly sorry. Female A.I. voice: "Sonic Rainboom Strike detected." Well, shit.**)

Horrified at the brutal takedown, the rest of the "knights" instantly panicked nervously searching up and down and left and right. This also caused a momentary neglect of the other fighters in the field. Taking advantage of the confusion, Klein and his friends charged for glory starting the frontal engagement. We were still clearly outnumbered.

"Oh, wait a minute." Groaning, a man knelt clutching his stomach, "Okay, one shank right out of the bellybutton." Another was now lying face-first on the ground trying to massage a red mark on his shoulder, "Oh joy, there goes another. Yeah, sorry for stabbing your shoulder, but you did say a bit more to the left." "Oh my God, how is that guy unlucky enough to just suddenly get a knife on his … on his … I can't take it … ON HIS GROIN!" I looked down at my feet again reminding myself of my current position, "While I am standing in front of him with hands on said knife, uh … yeah. I wonder how that happened. (Shrug)" Yeah, three less people for them to deal with. This is a favor, so Klein and the others better owe me.

Having finally growing some brains (and balls) to surround me and prevent me from doing the whole disappearing act again, the 6 heavily armed players circled around me shields up and swordpoints too close for comfort. The rest of them kept my allies at bay, so I'm basically cut off. My SAC (no, not the ball sack, the Sentai Avatar Change SAC) can only be used with the hand motions, and one wrong move could mean me losing more than just a finger.

One of the HDAs now again donned the overconfident creepyass rape face (**Seriously, those guys looked really messed up in the anime.**) and demanded, "Drop everything from your inventory. Everything. And nothing else or you'll lose more than just HP."

"'Kay, 'kay. Heard you the first time, assholes."

Gripping my knife harder, I used my free hand to swipe down my menu. First, a spare round shield plopped down on the snow. Next, a bundle of daggers. Then, a two-handed axe. Also, a sword. Their faces were falling off as the pile of weapons grew even bigger and bigger until it was 3 times my height. Gaping at the absurd arsenal in front of them, they sweated and fidgeted anxiously.

Finally, a Santa hat lay on top of the pile, and I looked up with a crooked smile, "You know that I said I heard you, but I never said I'd listen." A flick of my hand threw my knife, disarming the one on my right, and I slung my shield at the one on the opposite side. Then, I grasped a protruding hilt from the pile with both hands and the familiar glow of a Sword Skill activated. Swinging a 7-foot long zweihander in a circle with the Cyclone Skill, all of them went flying into the distance.

Heaving the gigantic, jagged blade over my shoulder with only one hand, I knelt to pick up my discarded shield from earlier as the sounds of more battle as Klein and the others were holding out. I massaged my face to get myself warmed up, and I put on my bloodthirsty face under my hood, "And tonight, viewers, this is how you slice and dice your everyday PvPing scrub. Here's the first step, literally." I charged into the fray with "IN THE NAME OF THE VIRTUAL MOON, I SHALL PWN YOU!"

[_11:57 p.m._ | _Floor 35, Forest Maze_ | _At a Certain Fir Tree_ | **Gale's P.O.V.**]

Clenching my spear tightly, we patiently waited in the flaking ice. It was nearly time for us to face the boss coming in a few minutes. We were all tense. Nothing could change what we were afraid of that day. When we all nearly lost everyone to this "game", the Moonlit Black Cats could never forget the tragic experience of near death. Even if everyone's still alive and definitely in the full green, death creeps over our shoulders as long as we have those health bars. Until this battle is over and if we get the revival item, we would hopefully regain our hold in life, and our nights will no longer be filled with nightmares of alternate endings for that incident. I had lost my father who was out on a drive home and my mother who only took a routine check in the hospital for her illness. Losing my friends in a goddamn video game that we only wanted to have fun in is not an option. But for now, we will win this battle, fighting for our lives.

"Everyone, look up there," Kirito called out.

I looked up and saw the falling comet come crashing down. The tree shook from the impact, and snow went flying. Rising from the carpet of white, the gangly figure of a very fucked-up Santa stood with a hatchet and a red sack in both hands. To be honest, I wondered what did Kayaba have against Christmas and what drugs did he take to think up this crazy creature. Maybe he got a coal instead of the next Diablo expansion or something.

With my glowing spearhead pointed at the monster, I began the battle with an audacious charge. Thrusting my weapon through its abdomen, it responded with a sweeping blow of its hatchet. I swiftly pulled out and held my weapon in front of me to block. Kirito dashed forward, crossing blades with his sword. However, the giant also followed up by swinging its sack (**Oh my god, me. Two terrible sack jokes in one chapter? Damn, I need to get a drink. *Pops a cap off and begins chugging* *BURP!* What? Drinking a gallon of water does that to you.**), but Tetsuo already raised his shield to defend. Ok, let's see here. Already guessing from the little twosome of attacks, I can already tell that it has a very chaotic, fast attack style. Always coming in. Focus on evading or quick blocking, or counter with even faster attacks to stagger it. With our group with half of us being spears, we're going to probably stay on the evasive. But then again, we have Kirito.

I suggested, "Hey. So Tetsuo and I tank the hits while the rest of you poke?"

Kirito swiped away another axe swing, "Yeah, that's pretty much it. Switch!"

The three of us backed off for Keita, Sachi, Sasamaru, and Ducker to begin their assault. A short burst of Sword Skills chipped away at the first health bar, and Kirito finished up with a staggering X-scissor attack. Immediately after, my spear shaft caught an incoming hatchet as Tetsuo batted the sack flying upwards for a home run. However, the bag emptied its contents, and millions of black rocks came spilling out.

"Get behind us!" Tetsuo raised his shield and I activated another Skill spinning my spear shaft like a rotor.

The team ducked behind their two-man cover as the coal exploded on impact around them. Knocked back from the blasts, we slowly got up and brushed off our armor.

"Hrrgh. This is going to be one long Christmas night," I grumbled.

(_Half an hour later …_)

Only the two of us Men in Black Coats were left standing as the rest of the guild hanged back in the red and without any more heals. Again putting Nicholas at spearpoint, I watched carefully for his next move, making sure he doesn't get to my friends. The black swordsman was slowly circling it hoping to jump at its blind side. This standoff didn't sit well in the silence, and the small beating from the system always in my head wasn't helping. The Renegade was already down to its last half bar of health, but with this its moves are more desperate and fierce, like a cornered rat. Narrowing my eyes at my weakened foe, the next move will probably be the final skirmish to end this once and for all. The two of us solo players rushed forward. The boss was about to respond with an AoE spin attack, but I drew it to me.

I challenged it with a taunt, "Hey, Blue Man groupie! When did you start taking the crystal meth?! It's too cold for the A-team to be flying on high, you creep!"

With what could only be anger on its distorted features, it turned to face me and threw itself towards me. I sidestepped the hatchet cleaved into the ground next to me, and then I unleashed my tri-attack. Stabbing at its thighs for it to fall slightly, and the final thrust knocked it up to the air.

"Three! Talon! STRIKE!"

Kirito jumped up high to meet it in midair and began hacking and slashing like Link on a Smash Ball.

"RaRahRaRahRaRahRaRarararararararraarararararararah!"

After all that damage, the monster fell to the ground and shattered into fragments. The celebratory Last Attack Bonus window appeared in front of the Beater.

"Congratulations! You got the Last Attack Bonus! You got the Lazarus Ressurection Stoner Herb Revive!" the window read.

I sighed in relief that we won, "WOOOH! Screw YOLO! We got the revive item, bitches! Fuck you, Microwave Safeties! Hell yeah!" Ok, not just sighing, I also danced around like a kid getting a dog for Christmas. (**See what I did there?**)

Kirito interrupted solemnly, "Sorry, Gale. But it's not like that." He showed me its description.

My face fell, and I pulled out a blue crystal, "Well, damn. Let's get everyone out of here."

He nodded. Gathering everyone up, I raised the blue crystal and muttered the command. With a flash of blue light, we were gone.

[_**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 385**]

Man, I can't believe they're keeping us waiting. Those bastards really should've gone here without a scratch with all the heals I dumped on them.

"What's taking them so long?" I growled as I gulped down my steaming hot cup of cocoa.

"Hey, relax, Var. If they have Kirito with them, they'll be fine," Klein assured.

"Yeah, last time that happened he was going to die in an anti-crystal zone."

"Well… He's still a kid. Give him a break."

"As much as I want to, I still say that guy will be one lucky son of a bitch to not die in a battle from now. Unlike me. My Luck's still at FUCKING 2!"

"What?"

"Blame Kayaba. Hating on me since the beginning. What's with coders these days, anyways?"

"How old are you again?"

I looked up to his scruffy face with another brow raised, "16 by now, ya got a problem?"

He only looked back curiously, "You just sound and look a bit older."

Shrugging, "Eh, puberty when I just turned 11. Also, I'm a bit of a wise guy. So you can take that as a reason. Besides, this game has already made us seem older, don't you think?"

"True."

The bell rang and the door opened. The two of us turned around to see the Moonlit Black Cats enter in all of their morning glory.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

(_5 minutes later after some setting up …_)

Sitting all around a round table, the 8 of us were laughing and talking in the Christmas joy. Klein left to rejoin his guild. Then, it was present time.

Scrolling down my inventory, I produced everyone's gifts that were entrusted to me yesterday. Of course, I didn't peek. Where's the fun in that?

"Yay! Presents!" Gale is now like a really immature kid. Bipolar, perhaps? Explains the black and white.

"Gimme! Gimme! GIMME!" Ducker is not that much different.

Swatting away the prying hands, I passed around the boxes around the table. Revealing them all one by one, they gasped in amazement.

"Var, thank you for the new armor! In-cur-si-o, hmm… sounds cool!" Gale instantly donned his new equipment in a silver plate armor with a unique helmet with yellow 'eyes' and billowing cape. (**Guess where that came from**.)

"Ooh! New picks! And they're for even higher level locks!"

"Whoa, I got a morning star! Looks even badder than my old mace!"

"This new cap is just awesome!"

"I could always use a new staff every now and then!"

"Oh, I always liked this little scarf …"

I looked at a prescription with the long list of certain herbs and items to take, "Guys, I'm not depressed, so I don't need to take meds, thank you very much."

"Seriously! I get a fortune cookie! It's not even Chinese!" Kirito complained.

I muttered menacingly, "Deal with it and just open it for crack's sakes, or else I'll …"

He cracked open the shell and pulled out the white strip of paper. His eyes skimmed the words and his face turned mournful.

"Read it out loud, Kirito," I demanded.

"Please give them hope, when times are bleak. Please give them strength, when they feel weak. Please be at their side, when they feel all alone. But what I wish for most of all, please bring them home.

To: Kirito Meant for: Everyone From: Varlancer"

Silence fell over the table like a shroud covering the light of a shining lamp. Our expressions turned to blank stares as we thought back to our present situation.

I broke through the shroud, "You know I ripped this off from one of my grandpa's old stamps meant for veterans."

Tetsuo looked at me, "You mean he was in a war once?"

"Yeah, served in the Vietnam War as a captain for the South. Thrown into jail for ten years once they lost. My mother grew up without a father during that time. Ever since her family, including my grandfather, escaped to America; I've those letters and stamps whenever I visit his house. One had a real good poem, so I thought 'why the hell not?'"

Gale spoke up, "Yeah, now that I think about it. We really don't know you that well. With this being our 'new life', no one talks about their life back _there_. Now, I'm just curious."

I saw their questioning expressions and groaned, "Okay, but next we're going to interrogate you and Kirito, as well. Got it?"

Gale nodded, and Kirito wasn't paying attention, so that's a yes.

"Ok, kids, here's some old stories for an average guy like me. My real name's *****. I was a fairly unordinary child, in the above average kind of way …" I began.

(_Some storytelling about the story of my life later …_)

"… So, I modded up the NerveGear to record what my head sees, hears, and does in the game. Tweaked the coding and all. Then, I installed a Wi-Fi hotspot to link up with my computer, and I pretty much upload videos whenever I want."

"How did you figure out how to do that?" Ducker brought up.

"Trade secret," I nonchalantly answered.

"So this whole time, you've been recording everything you've been doing in the game, including meeting us and everything we did together?" Kirito asked.

"Eeyup."

"Are you recording right now?"

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh … yeah."

"Can you stop it?"

"Can I, yeah. May I, well you may ask me that."

"Should I be offended?"

"Nah, if anything, you should be at least happy. If your family ever finds this video, they know you're not dead yet."

"Sigh, so that's it?"

"Yeah, everything up until SAO for me. Your turn."

The Black Swordsman began his tale, but this chapter would go on forever, wouldn't it Grim? (**Don't have to tell me twice, man. I can't believe I had this much on my mind in the first place. Lots of content this chapter. Besides, anyone who's reading this story must've already known Kirito's backstory by now. So, fuck it, I'm not writing it. Let's move to the other OC.**)

"And that's it for me … YAWN," he ended.

I pointed at the duality-coated player next, "You're next. Talk."

He shuffled in his seat and straightened himself up, "Well, let's see. Normal kid named Zenka Namikage when I was young. Dad died in a car accident when I was – what? – 9-ish. School went like any other day, rocking the all As and all. Techie. Mom died at the hospital in 8th grade. High school and met the computer club. Sachi and her family took me in. Living with same girl today, and I lo – I mean – and that's it. Anything else?"

I honestly didn't care because I heard the whole story already, but it couldn't hurt to be a bit more descriptive, right? (**Sorry, I just can't.**) "Yeah, that's great. Take a seat, junior." He sat down.

Scrolling down the inventory and bringing out a bottle, "Okay, who's curious to try the contents of this bottle?" I smiled with the toothy grin on my face.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? THERE'S NO WAY WE'RE DRINKING!" was the unanimous response.

I fake-teared up and cradled my precious booze, "It's okay, young'un. I'll make sure the mean prudes go away. Just help me out here." I popped the cork and chugged 3 gulps.

The virtual alcohol in my veins have been lit ablaze in my fury. The world will never find peace! WINE WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!

"FALCON PUNCH!"

**[-]**

**Jayzus, I can't believe it took me so long. Well, school is always the busiest this time of the year. At this period of the school year (Seriously, me? Another fucked-up joke?). So, hello, everybody after quite a while I finally got another chapter up! Not much to say with me being so tired and shit, but fuck all of this!**

**Now for the reviews:**

**Rjm234: Well, yeah, I did have a good time continually blasting the song over and over again while thinking of cool SAO scenes. And I hope you'll keep on sticking with this story.**

**Crimson Homura: FALCON BROFIST! (Okay, I just made that up… Is that a thing?) But always glad to make a person ROFLing. Don't worry you'll see more.**

**Warpterror: Thank you, and I hope to update with all of my brainpower! (and the 100 12-packs of Coke I have back here.)**

**Well, another thing for me, it's the Chinese/Vietnamese New Year (I'm a Californian, I know these people) and for you guys celebrating that, ENJOY THE FREE MONEY IN RED ENVELOPES. SAVOR IT WHILE IT LASTS. SAVE UP FOR YOUR CAR OR SOMETHING! Chuc mung nom moi!**

**So Favorite/REVIEW/Subscribe and I'm going for the next update. See ya!**

**-GrimRangerLock**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Black Swordsman And WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?

[**Varlancer's P.O.V.**]

I woke up with a head ringing and aching and feeling like overall shit as I surveyed the room I was in. A few sleeping players here and there were drooling and mumbling incoherently; they all had slightly glowing, red marks on their faces. Wonder how that happened in a safe zone. My knuckles were blistered and burnt out as I felt the pain flexing my fingers. Bottles were strewn all over the place and the smell of stale alcohol and smoke lingered in the air. A random guy had his head on my stomach with his hand over – Oh you son of a bitch. Give me a second. *FALCON PUNCH, MOTHERFUCKER!* (**Haha, GAY!**) (Shut up, asshole.) Okay, fixed that image. Now, what the fuck happened?

I pulled myself up and shakily went to the bathroom. Washing my face on the sink as I thought about my own little timeline of what happened last night up until now.

Mumbling to myself, "Aye, let's see. Got a couple drinks at this place no doubt. Probably kicked a lot of ass judging how fucked up the people on the floor looked. And my knuckles burn and my palms are not sweaty, so it was an F-Zero bar fight," I peeked outside and spotted a new copy of the _Daily Argo_. Picking it up and locking myself in a stall, I heeded the call of nature and did my shit, literally, "Okay, starting to remember things a bit. Cocky dickhead challenged me. Can't a guy just sit in his stool without a single fight? Enjoying the finer things in life once in a while isn't a crime, and it doesn't mean people are complete pansies because of that," I flipped another page, "Ah, dammit."Another PK. Well, okay, then things got interesting. I believe it came to a drinking contest at the time, and I was actually drinking the same dickhead under the table. Man lost his senses and started saying all kinds of weird shit as he also brought out a pipe and tried to light it. Being the part-time law-abiding citizen I am, I took that pipe and dumped the burning tobacco into something wet, which was my booze. For some reason, I also drank that same booze a second later. Result? _Karyu no Hoko_! Say hello to Varlancer the fire-breathing dragon. Logically, this pissed the guy off ,and he tried to slug me. Next result? I punched back with my own fist, except backed by the power of Falcon. Punch + Falcon = Punch Falcon? Geezus, I'm still hungover. It's the other way around. Back on topic, I think I smashed him to the ground and I got brawls left and right. So, that's what's happened, people. If anyone watched the movie, it took me to pull off the exact same concept in 300 words."

Something doesn't feel right, like there's something that should've happened already. Aw shit, I remember. I keeled over and did the most obvious thing, "BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-!" Puked my guts out, dumbasses.

(_15 minutes later…_)

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH! Gah! Son of a bitch, that was long."

Kicking down the bathroom door, I could only drag my body to the counter as I paid some Col to the bartender and grabbed another bottle. As the now sour liquid flowed down my hoarse throat, I felt numb. All that was left for now before I head out was just some final thoughts to think about. When did I just go from indecisive, bored teenager with lazy gamer tendencies to an always insane monster hunter with drinking problems? It's been only over a year in this world, and I have already turned to something that I never would have thought of break out of my shell of a body. Might be that whole personality change thing when you play video games, especially RPGs. If my family saw me now, what would they think?

"Heh, they might as well kick me out just being scared of me becoming a sociopath. Eh, I'll deal with it."

I got some water in my best effort to wash out the alcohol, and I soon got back to my feet.

"Sentai Avatar Change."

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

[_9:30 a.m._ | _February 16, 2024_ | _Floor 52_ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 438**]

"Oiii… Yesterday's dungeon was such a drag, right? Well, viewers, welcome again to another dragged-out episode of Let's Play _Sword Art Online_ where anything that can slice, dice, smash, mash, cut, stab, and keeping your mouth shut while chopping away the flab is your best friend. Unless you're one of those people who actually have a life. Either way, like so many other parts in this series, I have no idea of what I want to do today! I mean grinding in RPGs is annoying enough and it isn't any better after doing it for the past one and a half years. I'm still waiting for my pot to grow. And there are no quests I haven't done already. I'm still recovering from my most recent hangoverrr – Wait, I meant hangout, like hanging out with some bros brofisting with other broskies and bromancin' and being absolute bros …"

I sat down on a bench and picked an apple from my pockets. The satisfying crunch and sweetness had me block out the rest of the world, and I just sat on the sidelines enjoying this very day. Like, who the hell would be crazy enough to just randomly yell out shit to fuck it up, right?

But, I just had to speak of the devil, "PLEASE! Please, will someone listen? An orange guild's on the loose and they must go to jail! Please, someone! I already have a crystal for the job! My guild's been robbed and killed by it, and someone help me. I beg of you," pleaded a grief-stricken player. (Damn, that came pretty quick.) His wretched form stood hunched and beaten like a beggar who would soon starve. The clinging hands latched onto what they hoped to be their hope, only to be shoved away like any other deranged wretch.

With some real curiosity about what happened (and the added fact that I had nothing to do, don't get me wrong), I walked up to the poor guy and tapped him on his back.

He turned to me with crazed eyes, "Will you help?" he asked insistently.

"First thing: yeah, I'm gonna help. Second thing: I can't guarantee that I'm gonna do what you asked for. Let me contact a friend who can help me out. And last thing: Don't look like a madman. It just pisses people away from you, and I'm the only one who can pull it off fine apparently. So, what do you know?" I responded.

"Okay, I'll start from the beginning. I was the guild leader of the Silver Flags. All we were was just a medium-sized guild out farming for Col. A month ago, some fiery redhead chick wants to join."

A small flash and some classy glasses and a notepad appeared, "Name?"

"Rosalia. And then, she was a hoo – I mean – looker, and the rest of the guys got along well with her. She fit in quite well, and we got used to it. We had quite the lucky run at the time until the monsters couldn't spawn back fast enough. By then we were running low on funds, and then the bitch started acting up. With us wrapped around her finger, we basically risked life and limb for any money. First, she got us going even deeper into dungeons with monsters over our levels. Then, our stuff was stolen from our base. Finally, they all came. We were surrounded and forced to give up all our items and Col. Stripped of armor and all, Rosalia and her lackeys left us to die in our restraints. As soon as my guild started running, monsters were somehow drawn to us at every turn. The only one to make it out was me, and with a hidden stash of emergency Col, I had started to farm up again. This time, I only got a simple armor and weapons set, and I saved up the rest for this teleportation crystal I have here," he showed me the crystal in his hand, "Now, here I am hoping to find someone to help me out here."

I thought about what was just said right now and came to a decision. Extending a hand out, "Okay, I'll do it. Let's get on with this."

The stricken player only placed the crystal on it, "This crystal will send them to the prison. Don't kill them; just use the crystal."

I raised my brow, "I thought that was only for an emergency. Was going for a handshake there. Why no revenge for your comrades?"

"Because, I can't bear to kill another person, even if I only asked someone to. Please, just send them to prison and leave them. That's all I ask."

"Hm. Not saying that I want to kill someone (Okay, I'm just a bit curious. I will relish their pain pouring from their vocal chords. The fear crying from their eyes. The strangle of death over their slit throats. Hahahahaha~…) (**Okay, what the fuck? 0_0**), but it's a possibility I might accidentally crit in their red. Would you be okay?"

"What's done is done, but just try not to. Well, is that it?"

"Well, there's one thing…"

"What?"

I showed my five outstretched fingers to his face, "Five."

"Five what? Five thousand? Five million? …"

"What the hell? I meant just five Col."

"I do have some left over," he opened a trade window for the exchange.

I accepted, and with an empty motion of flipping a coin and catching it, "Your wish has been heard and shall be granted."

He stared at me like some idiot, "…"

"Now all of that's out of the way, I or one of my peeps will report to you when it's done. Don't go nuts," I deadpanned.

Nodding in agreement, he gave me one last look before turning away and leaving.

"(Sigh), well, time to make a call," I opened up my contacts and messaged a certain guy, "_'Meet up at my position by 12. I'll have lunch. Argo will be there too. –Varlancer_'"

[_February 28, 2024_ | _Floor 47_ | Silica's P.O.V.]

Kirito-san's so awesome! Now if only I can get him to like me, and I mean actually like me. Like, I could join him to get to know him better even longer, but I'll have to take on stronger monsters. Maybe defeating them will actually impress him. Aaaahhh~ I wonder if I'll ever see what he's really like back in real life. Maybe he's completely the same. His face, his voice, his being, his possibly toned, rock-hard a – AAAH! What am I thinking?

My face heated up again uncontrollably.

"Silica, are you sure you're okay?" Kirito asked in a worried tone, "You've been like that a lot of times today."

"No, I'm fine! I'm fine! Perfectly FINE!"

"Well, hope you stay that way," he smiled slightly before turning back to its serious face.

Oh, he's so cool. I'll always be okay if he's around. What can go wrong if I'm with him?

Suddenly, Kirito stopped, held my shoulder firmly, and yelled, "Whoever's in those trees, come out and show yourselves!"

Wait, what? What did he mean? There's no one there. At least, I don't think there is anyone there…

"Rosalia-san?" I was surprised as my former guildmate appeared in front of us. Was she stalking us?

She began, "If you can see through my Hiding Skill, your detection Skill must be quite high, Swordsman." Then, she turned to look at me, "It appears you managed to get the Pneuma Flower. Congratulations." Her expression turned devious, "Now hand it over."

I was still confused, "Wh-what are you talking about?" She didn't have any tamed beasts, so there's no point for her to want to use it.

Kirito stepped in defensively, "That isn't gonna happen, Rosalia-san. Or should I say leader of the orange guild, Titan's Hand." She stopped at the last name said and narrowed her eye.

How can she be the leader of an orange guild, though? "But she's green!" I pointed out.

"A simple trick," he explained, "The green players lure out the victims and lead them to the orange players that are waiting." Addressing Rosalia, "It was one of your friends listening to us last night, right?"

So, if Rosalia's like one of the green players that lead the other players to the orange ones, "Then, the reason we were in the same party for two weeks…"

The deceiver finished the thought, "That's right. I was assessing its strength, while waiting for them to earn money from adventures." I cringed fearfully, and she only raised her hands uncaringly, "You were the prey I was most anticipating. It was unfortunate that you left, but then you said you were getting a rare item." She turned to Kirito once again, "However, you knew all that and went with her anyway. Are you an idiot? Or did she really seduce you?"

He wouldn't do this with me just because I look cute! Though if he did, I might not mind …

Kirito only shoved the accusation away, "No, neither of the above. I, in fact, have been looking for you, too, Rosalia-san."

With a questioning tone she wondered, "What are you talking about?"

He was about to respond until a very certain player in a mottled cloak in shades of greens, brown, and grays jumped in (**Random Thought in my Head: How many shades are we talking about here? Me: Uh, let's see. I believe it's 42 shades of green, 13 shades of brown, and 50 shades of grey…. -_-* Yeah, laugh it up you pervs.**), "Okay, has anyone seen my saxe knife, Rosalia? I have the feeling to shank somebody, but I don't have the pointy thing in my inventory. So, cough it up, whoever it is."

Who the hell is this?

With the compass-star-shaped visor over his face, the newcomer finally noticed the swordsman and waved, "Oh, hey Kirito."

"Hey, Var," he responded.

Who is this guy? How does Kirito-san know this 'Var' guy? Is he his friend or a former enemy? Why is he with the orange players? Why am I asking so many questions?

"And hi, Silica-san," Var cheekily smiled.

I was surprised, "How do you know my name?"

The rest of his exposed skin paled a bit, but he scratched his head nervously and replied, "Oh, I was paid to stalk you by Rosalia here."

[Third Person P.O.V.]

The cloaked figure looked up at the pair of players that just entered through the teleport gate, a young girl and a slightly older boy. The two took a little time to look around the brightly-colored garden with the couples enjoying life and the love in the air. He smirked at the red slowly filling the girl's face realizing what kind of place this is and the boy in black's admirably feigned ignorance.

"Well, now that they are here, let's rock n' roll," he muttered to himself and messaged his employer, "Found targets … tracking … will be back … report … return trip … And there."

Then, he began his mission: stalking a shounen hero and a loli.

(_Some time later …_)

Straining through his eyes to keep tabs on his targets, he raised both eyebrows at the girl being lifted into the air by a vine. With the series of images, scenarios, and other stuff one can expect from a partial lolicon, he smiled widely in an effort to stifle his laugh coming from his lungs. He made a rectangle with his index fingers and thumbs and a screen materialized in the space between. After the makeshift camera clicked, the photo was attached to the message sent to his perverted friend.

"_Almost flipped her skirt down __. No luck. Real cute do' XD_," it read.

The reply came pretty fast, "_WHOOOAAA! KAWAAIII! Oh dammit, Kirito! DX_"

"_Maybe more coming. Will be getting good stuff, expected. Keep checking your inbox. ;)_"

"_Be careful. Sachi with me. Go for it anyways!_"

A chuckle rumbled under the ragged gray hood, "Oh, then now this job also has perks. Man, I'm lovin' it."

'I wonder what would Kirito and that girl, or anyone in that matter, would say about this. Oh crap, what about _Them_?'

"If anyone wants to know, that this is all part of the plan. So for you judgers and authorities out there, I better not be thrown in the can when I get out," he said assumingly himself, but who knows? He muttered, however, "Actually, I could get arrested technically for some other things in the past. But, hey, if I die here, they'll never take me alive."

(_Some more time spent doing totally legal acts of stalking and possible voyeurism …_)

"HOLY SHIT, TENTACLE MONSTER!" the stalker exclaimed as the girl was now captured in the many tongue-like appendages on top of an anemone-like base.

Rapidly typing the message and attaching his best picture of the lewd scene, "_SON OF A BITCH! Tentacles with loli inside. WTF is in Kayaba's sick mind!?_" A thorny vine dropped by his side, and in a time of mere seconds he pulled it down and chopped it into seviche with his knife. "Kayaba, you pedo bastard …" he growled darkly. (**But is he any better? You tell me.**)

"_Holy shit! I just _(**Lonely Island: JIZZED IN MY PANTS**) died from AKDSVL$%(^%$!^%GJENFGG(()^ %JG! Sachi got me. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-QI%VC(#$%N BBBVWD&amp;^#$)!"

"No, Gale! Live, brotha'! I'll always be with you!" the cloaked player pleaded angrily and sadly at the loss of his comrade in stalking (even if he wasn't there physically, or virtually in this game's case), "Damn it!"

He instantly perked up, however, "Oh look, they got the flower!" Now it's time for the stalker to report back his findings. Dashing back through the trees, the grey cloak billowed with the rush of the wind.

[_**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 450**]

I continued, "So, yeah, it's pretty much in my job description to know who you are. For your information, Kirito did look."

3…2…1…

"NOOOOO!" and the poor girl froze dumbstruck only blankly staring ahead in horror. Can't blame her.

I turned to Rosalia, "So did you see my saxe knife? I think I dropped it somewhere… Did one of your guys see it?"

"Oh, how about this? I pay you extra so that you can buy a new one after you kill those two over there with my friends," she snapped her fingers, and the rest of her guild came out of the trees.

She pointed to Kirito and Silica, but I only continued looking straight at her. I replied, "Well, we could talk business. Here, talk to the hand."

"Eh?"

A red glow surrounded my outstretched hand as I prepared to do an unspeakable melee move, "GOLDENEYE PIMP SLAP #007!" The force of the unexpected move had every woman on the floor rubbing a cheek subconsciously. (**Hell yeah! Beat that Takashi Komuro!**)

I leaped back standing to the side of Kirito, "Yeah, I'm sorry, love, but I just remembered that I was hired by someone just before you did. The guy just lost the rest of his little guild to a certain, redheaded, teamkilling fucktard. I was being a good agent of Providence and decided to offer my services for his revenge. After only a couple days, I found my target and went undercover as a freelancing orange player working for _her_. While all that was going on, my partner Kirito here," I nudged the swordsman, "kept a crystal ready to imprison all of you back in the Town of Beginnings. So, with Kirito here, we are about to proceed to beaming your asses to jail. Savvy?"

Kirito drew his sword and began walking slowly down the bridge, "I believe they heard it quite well, Var."

One of the Titan's Hand members sounded out the name, "Kirito…"

Another studied the description of their advancing adversary, "Black clothes… A one-handed, no shield style…" he soon realized and faced his leader, "That can't be … the _Kuro no Kenshi_.Rosalia, this is the beater who solos the frontlines. He's in the lead group!"

"Lead group?" Silica questioned aloud.

"Full of frontlining badasses, dickheads, and some nutjobs, including yours truly," I answered proudly.

She looked at me weirdly (**Just like every other player that meets my crazy OC. Can't a man just look at him with respect? MY IMAGINARY MIND AND BLOOD. Anyone? *Looks back in past chapters* Eh, Klein and Argo will do.**) before asking, "Who are you anyways? Kirito called you Var but is it, uhhhh…"

"Yeah, it's short for Varlancer."

Again, one of the Titan's Hand members recognized the famous (**well sorta, you'll see**) name, "Varlancer…... Who the hell are you?"

"Oh good lord, did you hear that guys?" I asked with rage in my voice, "You don't know who I am, eh? Well, dear viewers, clean out your earwax and let me tell you!"

"SENTAI … AVATAR CHANGE! HAAA!"

The cliché transformation sequence comes once again. The chestpiece looked like a certain red face with green eyes and black shades. Black shoulder plates jutted out with a flaming skull emblem once again wearing shades. The rest of the armor was red mechsamurai-like armor and all. However, no helmet was worn and instead the only headwear was red shades. A long flaming red cape flew in the virtual wind. A long no-dachi blade was sheathed on my waist and the trademark roundshield materialized on my arm (**Note: If anyone doesn't get the reference, the blade is like a hell of a long katana instead of the fat blade with Illfang.**).

Flames burning brightly in the background as the heavens shone in the light of hotblooded, mindnumbing manliness.

"The indomitable man of fiery-cool manliness. Impossible possibility rejects common sense. Pierce the heavens with the spiral. Guren Aniki, Kamina! Seesan!" Cue badass volcano explosion. *KRACK-BOOM!*

Drawing my sword and pointing ahead, "Sentai Transform …" I pulled it up to rest on my shoulder while pointing a thumb at my shelf, "Varlaranger! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?"

(**Random reader: A ripoff, baka! Me: Who said that? *Pulls out a drill* *SKREE! SKREE!* Where are you? Say that again to my face as I royally fuck yours up!**)

"Uuuuuuhhhhh, you still never said who you are."

"Ha! If you can't even tell by the transformation sequence, then you're not worthy to know! Hell, I don't even need my sword to whoop yo' asses," I sheathed the no-dachi by my waist, "Now … Bring. It. On. Motherfuckers."

The guild was at unease and could only look at each other with some unknown fear. However, Rosalia sends the attack order, "Looks like they're all just talk. Just kill them and take their loot!"

They soon charged with Sword Skills ablaze as they fiercely hacked away at their opponents. Of course, Kirito was being a badass and stood still, tanking the hits. I, on the other hand, decided to have a little more self-amusement. Instinctively drawing my shield, I blocked and caught every weapon on its surface. The scene was of me crouching down, already tying up all of the weapons in a deadlock, and a flick of the wrist batted them away. Unfazed, they still continued the assault, but my health bar never went down a bit. By the time it ended, they panted and heaved as they tried to recover.

"400."

400 what, they ask.

"That is the amount of damage you could deal within 10 seconds."

Oh, that's what it was.

I said, "So, about 40 dps, eh? Well, that explains the absence of scratches on me armor."

"What does that gotta do with anything?" one of the Titan's Hands asked.

"Our Battle Healing Skills are maxed out, which enable us to recover _600_ points of damage in that exact same amount of time."

"I-impossible."

"Bitch, that guy's level 71, and I'm 69. You're way outta your league from the start," I retorted. "Besides," I grabbed a guy's arm and forced it to plunge his sword through my abdomen, "My Defense Stat soaks up over 2000 damage every single, fucking time." The green bar didn't even flicker.

"Accept your judgment. Accept your sentence. Accept your fate. You will be imprisoned right now, and you shall atone for your crimes," Kirito affirmed sternly.

After Pimpslapping the guy that just stabbed me, I pointed at Rosalia, "L1, then R3 to arrest. Just like Hardline. Except I wished that I actually had a badge."

She raised her spear defensively, "Hah, you'll never take me in."

"Well, hardball is hardly an issue that's ballin'. Let's just play this the hard way. Right, Blacky?"

Kirito nodded in agreement.

"You can't possibly hurt me. If you do, you'll be despised for going orange," the redhead kept on.

By then, Kirito already had a blade by her throat, "We're solo players. If I don't care about going a single day being orange, then Var wouldn't have given a damn about wounding your entire guild."

"Thug life, bitch. Listen to the thug life."

[_February 29, 2024_ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 451**]

I was petting a little furry dragon in my arms. It's like having a dog except it can fly and can heal and you don't get accused for animal abuse like Pokemon. More like How to Train Your Dragon minus the awesome plasma burst-breath. Though considering this is virtual reality, the closest thing is Digimon.

"Man, makes me want to go out Taming. Still, Pokemon makes it a more active challenge, and why settle for one when you can have an entire PC database of them? What do you think guys? Want to see me try to get my first Tamed Beast?"

Pina purred contentedly. I brought her to look at my face and, therefore, the virtual camera. "Look at that face. She agrees with me."

I thought more on how to train my own dragon. Take it out. Rub it. Stroke it. Please it. Feed it. Pamper it. (**Now, watch AoA's "Miniskirts" and watch her stroke that kitten. That BIG, FAT, JUICY CAT!**) Those thoughts were soon interrupted by the footsteps of the little girl coming over.

"I'm so sorry, Var, but I need to go out grinding. Can you give me back Pina?" Silica asked politely.

I looked up a bit startled, "Oh, yeah. Sorry." The little dragon woke up slightly agitated, "C'mon, Pina. You gotta go." She nodded and flew onto her Tamer's shoulder.

"Wow. Pina really likes you. Normally, she avoids contact with others."

"Well, my sister loves animals, and they like me. So, we had a few pets from time to time," I shrugged, "Wanted to build a translator to communicate with them. She'd love to have a dragon like Pina with her. Probably a mouse, more like. Give it electric powers and call it Pikachu."

"That's great! I would hope to meet your sister someday. Along with Kirito's. Do I remind you of your sister?"

"Heh. A bit if the love for adorable animals plus being the same age as her indicates anything, I guess. A definitely cute face while wielding a dagger. Now that I think about it, you really do have some similarities with her."

"Thanks, I'll be off then," she walked off to the woods.

"Wait, can I ask a favor?"

(_Some time later …_)

"I wanna be the very best. Like no one ever was," I sang in a hushed voice.

Shattered pixels rained upon the ground behind me.

"Taming them is my real test. To fight with them is my cause."

I spotted a beast that looked absolutely awesome in my tastes, and I yelled, "I want this one!"

"Hmm? Tame that? You can't possibly tame a beast that of that size."

Being the stubborn ass I could be, "No way, I'm forgetting this big guy. I'll tame him, and he will be mine. Then, I'll name him Freckles! Or Torterra."

Said beast was a turtle-like creature that looked like the Pandaren Dragon Turtle with the Torterra stone spikes on the middle of its back; a full-grown, 5-foot tall tree right behind the spikes; and colors of mottled greens, browns, and greys.

Once I approached it, my hand offered a bunch of brown nubs. It simply looked the other way. Okay, let's try a berry. And okay, it didn't work either. Like sticks? Doesn't like sticks. How about you be an Aron and eat the sword? Fine, be a Torterra-Dragon-Turtle hybrid.

"So, how do I get you to be in a partnership with me?" I asked rhetorically.

Instead of a verbal response, it gave a challenging glint of its eyes.

"Oh, you wanna go to town like it's 2006?" I chuckled in barely-contained excitement, "Well then, I challenge you to a Pokemon Battle!"

(Cue Pokemon music. I have the G3 battle theme in my head, but listen to whatever you want during the battle if you like.)

{**A wild Torterra-Dragon-Turtle Thingy appeared!**}

It roared a very powerful bellow!

{**Go! Varlancer!**}

"Go! Me!"

{**What will I do? Fight**}

{**Varlancer used Soul Edge!**}

{**T-D-T T used Stone Edge!**}

{**Varlancer used Hulk Smash!**}

{**T-D-T T used Rock Smash!**}

{**Varlancer used Niner's Defense!**}

{**Varlancer's Defense rose!**}

{**T-D-T T used Iron Defense!**}

{**T-D-T T's Defense rose!**}

{**Varlancer used Complication!**}

{**T-D-T T used Frustration!**}

{**Varlancer used Moving Screen!**}

{**T-D-T T used Light Screen!**}

{**Varlancer used Doomhammer!**}

{**T-D-T T used Wood Hammer!**}

{**Varlancer used Threesome!**}

{**T-D-T T used Double Team!**}

{**Varlancer used Pillow Talk!**}

{**T-D-T T used Sleep Talk!**}

{**Varlancer used Tomb Raider!**}

{**T-D-T T used Rock Tomb!**}

{**Varlancer used F-Bomb!**}

{**T-D-T T used Seed Bomb!**}

{**Varlancer used Lagann Impact!**}

{**T-D-T T used Giga Impact!**}

{**Varlancer used Overpowered!**}

{**T-D-T T used Superpower!**}

{**Varlancer used Headbutt!**}

{**It's super effective!**}

{**T-D-T T used Tackle!**}

{**It's super effective!**}

{**They both hurt like a bitch.**}

I was massaging my temple while my challenger stood a bit dazed from the last blow. Yeah, if Hareta couldn't get away unscathed, then neither can I. Somehow though, that was probably the one knock on the skull was all that I needed. This guy loves a good battle, but he's also something else. Something that I like.

It looked at me expectantly as I sat down in front of it and waved, "Hello, my name is Varlancer. I love cucumbers and long walks at the forest under the shade. But moonlight works sometimes. I travel the floors of Aincrad in search of adventure, fun, Col, and some good ale. I would love company. Are you willing to join the party?"

With a moment's glance, its eyes glinted with amusement and good nature. It nodded its head and kneeled on all four of its legs. I leaned back on its shell without a damn in the world. Except I noticed the awkwardly fidgeting Dragon Tamer.

"You know, you're welcome to move on if you want to. I'll just be here for the rest of the day, and I do think we'll see each other again. But then again, you're also welcome to just take it easy and rest up with me and Daitoragon."

"Daitoragon?"

"Oh you know, this new big lug. You're fine with it, right?" An earth-moving rumble came in response. "So, you going?"

Silica and Pina looked at each other curiously before coming back to us, "No, it's okay, we'd best get going. Congratulations, Var! And see you later, Daitoragon!" And they ran back to the town.

"So, Daito. Say hello to the viewers."

He gave a barely audible groan.

"Yeah, guys, that is it for today. Hope you enjoyed this one episode of the Let's Play. Meet the newest member of Team Varlancer that is Daitoragon, the Torterra-Dragon-Turtle Hybrid. And now I get my little mount to ride in. Tune in next time for more _Sword Art Online_. This is a beautiful world from Varlancer the Ranger. Peace."

Oh, that particular line reminded me of something.

"Uchumisen!" the old yet still awesome guitar from the day I first got it materialized in my hands. "So, an honorary song for Daito."

_Everyday we just keep going through the motions and we don't know why  
Seems like we never stop to take the time to know this life as it goes by  
But there's a whole world out there, it's a miracle to see -  
Like the colors of the rainbow, it's a living symphony_

So open your eyes  
It's easy to do  
Just take the time  
And look around you  
Never forget:  
This is a beautiful world

Do we really celebrate the beauty that surrounds us every single day  
Or ever realize the gifts that we've been given might just go away?  
We can't let it happen, it's up to you and me  
We've got to work together, it's our responsibility

So open your eyes  
It's easy to do  
Just take the time  
And look around you  
Never forget:  
This is a beautiful world

There's a whole world out there  
Be thankful everyday  
And grateful for the magic  
It touches us so many ways

So open your eyes  
It's easy to do  
Just take the time  
And look around you  
Never forget:  
This is a beautiful world (Oh, yeah)

So open your eyes  
It's easy to do  
Just take the time  
And look around you  
Never forget:  
This is a beautiful world

Just take the time  
And open your eyes  
Never forget:  
This is a beautiful world

It's a beautiful world, oh  
Oh, just open your eyes  
This is a beautiful world  
It's a beautiful world.

[**This Is A Beautiful World – Aaron Brotherton**]

**[-]**

**Hello, again. Plot bunnies escape me every freaking time and it was just hard to make this chapter an entertaining one with Var and Silica's appearance episode/chapter.**

**Now, it's clear I have used a lot of references this chapter, and to make it easier for my lazy ass and for anyone else, I don't own any of that stuff if you know what I mean. Special disclamer goes to the song, however.**

**So, reviews from ages ago:**

**Skyar Triv: Well, I feel bad that I made you drop your iPad. Nothing bad, I'm sure. Otherwise, glad that you fell back laughing. Sadly, SACs are going to be a Running Gag for pretty much rest of the story, so prepare to lock up your laughing box. Thanks for the idea, too! Now I have something to potentially torture Var with. (Var: Aw hell naw!) Aw hell yeah. (Just wondering did your friend actually read the story and fangirl, or do you just already know she's that much of a fangirl?)**

**Crimson Homura: Hope you like this beginning! Yeah, cupcakes are definitely going to come back later, whether it's for Kayaba or some other people (you may never know). Last thing, if you're talking about the 'opening' for LPSAO from Ch.4, then it actually is a real song. ****The title and author, respectively, are in the brackets at the very beginning just before the lyrics start****. Unless you're talking about the "This is Christmas" parody from last chapter, well that is a parody I just made up myself.**

**Okay, so one thing about this chapter had me still annoyed by the time this comes out. I couldn't come up with a nickname for Var. Now, I wanted it to sound cool not only in English but also in Japanese. And, raping Google Translate doesn't help a lot. Therefore, I have issued a challenge:**

**COME UP WITH A TWO WORD NICKNAME FOR VAR WITH THE JAPANESE WORDS HAVING THE FIRST LETTER OF EACH BEING ANY COMBINATION OF THE LETTERS D, F, K, OR Y. IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT THOSE LETTERS MATCH IN THE ENGLISH TRANSLATION OR CLOSE TO IT. PLEASE SEND SUGGESTIONS TO ME WITH BOTH ITERATIONS OF VAR'S POTENTIAL TITLE/NICKNAME.**

**Now that's over with, who likes Daitoragon?**

**Favorite (Like), Follow (Subscribe), and Review (Comment) to further support the series. GrimRangerLock to be continued.**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: No One Eats Var!

[3_/7/24_ | _8:13 p.m._ | _Floor 56, Pani_ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 459**]

"So, Ruru sang a lullaby which made you think that 'soothing the savage beast' is the key to beating the GeoCrawler. Now, you want **me** to play the lullaby on it?" I was having trouble believing that someone other than a crazy fangirl was asking me to play a song. Well, actually, this was Asuna, so it's even more troublesome to comprehend.

"Hai!" she nodded affirmatively.

"You know that's bullshit. Earthworms don't have ears."

"It's more like an armored snake of sorts, but a fool like you wouldn't even remember what it looked like." Of course, the redhead replied before pointing a rapier between my eyes. Daito behind me growled warningly. With a hand on his head, I held him back.

"Crazy and eccentric, sure. But not foolish. The snake is in fact my cousin's Chinese zodiac. Even if I ran straight into your blade, I will still be living long enough to annoy you to death. That is if you wouldn't be creeped out by then."

Adorning a smirk on her face, she moved towards my partner.

"You wouldn't."

She replied confidently, "You still have to level it up more to properly accompany a player like you. It'll be dead in a minute."

"Not if you have my shield restructuring your beautiful face," I retorted darkly as the one on my arm glowed.

The staredown that soon followed lasted for another moment. Both of us gripped the handles tightly. A sigh broke the silence.

"Okay, I'll do it. Just let me try to remember something, and I'll be at the meeting ready in an hour or so," I conceded exasperatedly.

Her rapier withdrew back to its sheath, and Asuna gave a bubbly smile, "Arigatou." She ran off as dust trailed off in her wake.

Daitoragon gave me a questioning look. I only replied, "Bitches are crazy, man. But, then that's sexist if you consider the crazy guys in the world, like look at me; so to put it better … humanity's going to shit."

(_An hour or so later_)

I walked into the cave when the conversation of other players went on. Eying a familiar black coat with a similar monochrome one as well leaning on the wall, I sat down on the rock beside them. The din of everyone else's voices slowly died out as the meeting reorganized itself.

The question came out, "So, what'd I miss?"

Kirito answered, "Nothing much. Asuna just talked about the new plan and how you were going to play the lullaby crucial for it."

Gale added, "And the rest of the players are talking about how you might manage to change it up." He whispered discreetly, "I have 150 betting that you play a heavy metal riff and have it bleed to death from its ears."

"Aye. And you do know that earthworms don't have ears."

The slightly familiar, soft voice of Sachi scolded at her guild leader, "Zenka, you know you're not old enough to gamble. It's a bad habit."

Said teen switched poles and was bowing over and over in apology, "Yes! Yes! Okay, I withdraw!"

A new voice arose, "So, Varlancer-san, do you have the lullaby?"

Dismissively, I answered, "Eh, just something classic. Nothing special. Already got it down."

The heavy armor clanked as the gauntlet slammed on the table authoritatively, "Varlancer-san, we need to confirm that you can fulfill your role."

I looked away from the two to stare indifferently at the red-armored knight with an older face, graying hair, and a grim look.

"Heathcliff, I am confident that I will carry out my role, but since you want assurance, I ask that I do so alone."

In their surprise, the others murmured amongst themselves, "Is he insane? He's going up against the GeoCrawler by himself. / This is the _Kowareta Kabe_ we're talking about. He always had the highest Defense stat to survive any of the crazy stunts he does. / Either way, he is going to go through hell if he doesn't make it back to the gates."

I continued, "I was originally against your commander's idea, and I myself have doubts on its success. Therefore, I'll go in alone in case the plan fails. Losses will be minimized."

Behind me, Gale grabbed my shoulder, "But Var! We're not going to lose anyone if we send in everyone to defend you."

"No, but you could lose lots of potions if it decides to use the environment or ram all of our tanks at once or some crazy stuff like that. We can't go grinding again to resupply those resources, or else we'll have to wait for another season for the monsters to respawn."

"Of course we can afford to do that! You are not going to risk death when the rest of us could prevent it!" replied Kirito angrily.

Before he finished the sentence, I ran off to the entrance where my trusty steed awaited, "Ha! I gambled with Death quite a few times! Besides, I'm unkillable! Wait at the gates till I'm done! Now, Daitoragon! Away!" Then my tortoise-like partner charged off to my destination.

(_At the gates_)

"So, this is now a thing. Using my music for an actual boss battle is going to be a bit awkward, don'tcha think guys? Everyone knows people like killing things with the good ol' weaponry or by finishing them with some kind of fatality puzzle thingamajig. Then, another thing. Since Ruru sang the lullaby in Japanese, which is not my language, I am forced to make up an English dub. And that means this is gonna suck. Like, you guys are probably still wondering why I am being such douche ditching everyone like that. And the reason was … I'm forgetting the lyrics already and I need to go now! God!" I broke through the door and ran down the valley.

"Hey, you! You need to talk to me before you can go in!" the guard NPC called out.

My feet skidded to a halt as I began my customary ritual of the …

"Sentai Avatar Change!"

After that long flash of light, the guitarist emerged. A slightly less than formal dark gray suit went over the white dress shirt and lighter gray tie underneath. My pants were simple black slacks with same-colored dress shoes. Now, add on some heavy metal shin guards, elbow pads, forearm guards, shoulder pads, and a small plate strapped over my heart. A black Stetson along with the four-pointed star visor adorned my head and face, respectively. Uchumisen, the guitar, was held in my hands in all of its wooden and metal-plated glory ready to rock.

"The soundtrack of Sword Arts. The chorus of Clearers. Kyoku no Kaikō, Dacanos!" A classy, sexy acoustic instrumental played. "A-sanjou!"

Pebbles skittered across the dirt as the GeoCrawler came thundering down. I tipped my hat down and experimentally plucked a couple strings, testing some notes. Finally satisfied with the condition, I have officially initiated the battle.

"Oi, Jeff! Don't make me do this!"

The boss kept coming.

"I'm serious, Jeff! Don't! Eh, fuck it. Ruru's Lullaby, activate!"

The first note rang its first sound to the air. Now, let's see if I have a new audience group to attend to.

(**Now, since this is actually a song from the manga, there is sadly no actual music to listen to go with the lyrics, so in my case I decided to go with something along the lines of the Hearthstone theme.**)

_The travelling musician hailed from the south_

_With a lute in his hand, and a song in his mouth._

_There was only a brush of those magical silver threads._

_Lalalalalalalalala, sleep awaits._

_The village chief and his long beard._

_The weapons shop uncle in all his greed._

_Kids in the plaza running round around._

_The black cat on the roof with a nap to need._

_A robin singing merry tunes atop the tree he's on._

_Even the serpent can hear through its iron armor this very lovely song._

_Dadadadadadadada, everyone's asleep._

Despite its Immortal Object status, wood splintered by the sheer force of the incoming army bursting through the gates.

"Var! Get out of there! It doesn't work! GTFO! GTHOOT! ESCAPE! BLINK! FLASH! FLASHSTEP! TP! Use the Q! Or W! Or E! Or your Ult! Get out!" Gale yelled at the top of his lungs.

I was pissed off by the fact that I even took the time to make a decent English dub, and yet it was terrible, I still sang it. Could things feel any more meaningless in life? The gaping maw of the giant worm was just above me.

"Aw, son of a bitch."

[**Third-Person P.O.V.**]

The players suddenly froze in terror as they witnessed the loss of the tankiest Clearer known in the game. All gone in a single chomp. (**Plus a few chokes, gags, and broken teeth on the Geo Crawler's part. This guy has a lot of bones.**) The stumps of the two legs left behind fell and dissipated into data.

"Var!" the agonizing yell echoed through the valley walls.

"Attack!" the unanimous command soon followed.

Weapons of all kinds struck at the unbreakable iron armor only to bounce off harmlessly. The monster retaliated by driving back its intruders. Players went flying as they were knocked back from its headbutt or as boulders tumbled down from the shaking ground on the sides. Kirito, Asuna, Gale, and Sachi were fending off the boulders as they came. The GeoCrawler wasn't losing ground, and the warriors grew weary.

"Kah! Asuna, why didn't it work? You should have told us that before we'd lose Var!" Kirito shouted while he sliced through the rocks.

"Hah! It's because the _baka_ sang it in English. The System probably only recognizes the song sang in the exact same words in order for it to work!" Asuna replied irately.

"Well, at least you could've tried teaching Var Japanese so that he didn't have to get fucking eaten." Gale pointed out in subdued anger.

"Everyone! Can we focus on actually finding a way to beat the boss?" Sachi pleaded.

"_**It's okay, everybody. Just take a seat. I got this,**_" a voice rang out in their minds.

"Is anyone hearing things?" Kirito asked.

"_**Oh hell yeah, you are. Now excuse me as I take control of your bodies.**_"

"Wait, what?" they all said.

"_**So, just checking System alterations, a bit to change the boss programming, getting this under the radar, making up some new items and … there. Now, you become IDOLS!**_"

From left to right it was Gale, Sachi, Asuna, then Kirito with the girls in the front and the guys in the back. Asuna and Sachi were dressed in black vests, ties, white mini-bonnets (**I don't really know what they are**) with bows, and skirts; and the former's was red and pink themed while the latter's was blue. Kirito and Gale wore hoodies under black vests and black pants, and the swordsman's was golden yellow while the spearman's was dark blue.

J-Pop music played from invisible speakers until some pretty crazy shit happened. (**If you don't get the reference, search up this song, watch the video, replace the regular characters with SAO ones, and just start listening to the full version. Then, you read this. Hope you enjoy.)**

[**"Yakusoku no Kizuna**" – Risa Taneda &amp; Minori Chihara ft. Yuri Yamaoka]

**Asuna**: _Tenohira ni tsukanda yakusoku wa_

**Sachi**: _Eien ni kienai takara mo no_

**Asuna: **_Itsuka miageta_

**Sachi: **_Sora no kanata ni_

**Both: **_Bokura no asu he to michibiku Future Star_

**Cue pulling down the Fairy Tail fingers.**

**The stars are pulling off some pretty damn well-coordinated dance moves like straight from some J-Pop star's concert. Guys are dancing in the background while girls are doing the actual singing.**

**What's even more damn weird is that the GeoCrawler is just staring.**

**Music dies down a bit for the verse.**

**Asuna: **_Kimi to tomoni nagashita namida_

_Marude yoruwo kakeru ryuusei de_

**Sachi: **_Negai goto ga kanau no naraba_

_Hitotsu daijina mono wo mamoru yo_

**Both: **_Kiseki wa guuzen janai doryoku no keshou de_

_Donna kurayami ni mo utsukushi yume wa aru yo_

**Cue epic chorus with a lot of hip-shaking and popstar-teasing-not-really-fanservice-but-really-fucking-kawaii shit going on.**

**Both: **_Motto mae he susumou akiramenai kokoro_

_Kimi to naraba ganbareru_

_Mudana koto wa nai yo_

_Ue wo muite waraou_

_Ichido kiri no tokidakara_

_Wasurenai yo egao donna tsurai michi mo_

_Itsumo kimi ga soba ni iru_

_Tadori tsuita saki ni_

_Nani ga matte iyou to_

_Asu wo terasu kizuna wa Future Star_

**Okay, players are still going 'Dafuq'.**

**Okay, the GeoCrawler is still staring.**

**Okay, a little bit more dancing.**

**Damn, shit's really fucking weird.**

**Asuna: **_Kujike sonna hitori no yoru wa_

_Itsumo kimi no egao wo omou no_

**Sachi: **_Naze ka munega atsuku naru kara_

_Sukoshi mae wo muite arukeru yo_

**Both: **_Nakama wa kakegae no nai bokura no seishun_

_Nidoto modorenai kara taisetsuna uta ga atta_

**Now, readers, which one of you is thinking or still is thinking how the fuck is this possibly a game mechanic?**

**It's okay, don't be shy.**

**Both: **_Zutto mae he susumou hikari no hate made mo_

_Kimi to naraba koe rareru_

_Kowaku nanka nai yo dakara tsuyoku waraou_

_Namida nuguu omajinai_

_Mayowanaide iku yo nagaku kewashi michi mo_

_Itsumo kimi ga soba ni iru_

_Donna kanashi kyou mo donna kurushi kyou mo_

_Asu wa kitto kagayaku Destiny_

**The solo interval! Whoo!**

**The four people are all in front of each other in a column.**

**Now, everybody who hasn't seen this thing before, if you thought things can't get better than this. Well, you stand corrected.**

**They all opened up revealing Ruru, the little village girl, running up.**

**Imagine this little girl, a loli even younger than Silica and more like a 6-year old Yui versus the actual one, dressed up like a motherfuckin' fairy princess. Yes, SAO manga readers, by now the kawaii meters are over 9000.**

**Ruru: **_Motto mae he susumou akiramenai kokoro_

_Kimi to naraba ganbareru_

_Mudana koto wa nai yo_

_Ue wo muite waraou_

_Ichido kiri no tokidakara_

**All Girls: **_Wasurenai yo egao donna tsurai michi mo_

_Itsumo kimi ga soba ni iru_

_Tadori tsuita saki ni_

_Nani ga matte iyou to_

_Asu wo terasu kizuna wa Future Star_

**Finally, it all ends here. The GeoCrawler's reaching critical mass kawaii. The players are too along with their 'BULLSHIT!' meters. I am listening to this song again, grinning like a maniac. The idols have done well.**

**Asuna: **_Tenohira ni tsukanda yakusoku wa_

**Sachi: **_Eien ni kienaitakara mono_

**Asuna: **_Itsuka miageta_

**Sachi: **_Sora no kanata ni_

**Both: **_Bokura no asu he to michibiku Future Star_

The five people are panting from the big performance and the GeoCrawler is in a daze like a fanboy after getting high on K-Pop and J-Pop. Now's the time to attack while the worm's unaware, but …

"Who's gonna kill it?" Kirito asked the armor-piercing question.

Cue 'Oh, shit' faces.

However, in the nick of time, half of its head exploded into shards as an all too familiar figure burst out bashing and smashing.

"You ain't never eatin' me! I'm gonna bust. Yo'. Face up!" Var yelled angrily.

The GeoCrawler roared in agony as the player kept thrashing around in its skull. Then, the tank pulled it over backwards and jumped down with claws on his right hand. Its tail flailed about until it was grabbed firmly in a gauntlet and promptly shredded to pieces. When he made it up to the armored segment, Var sent his hand straight up from the opening, and the boss exploded in a shatter. Var is left with an arm poised exactly like the performers except with the bird flipped upwards. How's that for an ending?

"Thanks for the save, Grim," Var said.

(**No problem. Even plot armor would have difficulty getting you out of that one.**)

[_4/22/24 _| _12:38 p.m._ | _Floor 59, Danac_ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Part 505**]

A swordsman in a coat was lying on a hill next to a tree. Nothing special. Just such a peaceful ambience with some nice guitar OST that only some truly annoying prick could ruin the moment and ask …

"What are you doing?"

He looked up at the white-clad fencer standing over him. Damn bastard probably had a nice view, too. Like I can't see anything except hair and clothes from where I'm at. Wait, locking on posterior. Zoom. Zoooooooooom. Dammit, abort! Abort!

Still closed eyes, he replied, "What?"

"It's you," Asuna started explaining, "The other lead group members are all working hard to clear the dungeon. Why are you taking a nap? Even if you're a solo player, you need to be serious –"

"It's Aincrad's nicest season," came the plain answer, "and today is its nicest weather setting."

The guy is right. Today is such a lovely day.

"Entering the dungeon on a day like this is such a waste."

"Do you not understand?" the redhead asked in an annoyed tone, "Every day we lose here is one we've lost in the real world."

"But right now, we're alive here, in Aincrad."

Again, the guy has a point. Technically, this virtual world is an extension of the real world we live in, all in the same way a MMORPG is supposed to be for players to just make a different life. So, honestly, I don't see how much different it is from wasting your life away on WoW. This game is just one jacked up in prescribed steroids for addictiveness, because, first, you're _forced_ to play full-time and, next, you actually are a "living, feeling" persona (at least in your mind). Time spent here is just time spent. It didn't give a shit if we didn't spend wisely, so deal with it. YOLO! (**Now I must go barricade my door and booby-trap the entrance with anti-WoW-addicts sticky bombs and anti-YOLO-haters turrets.**)

So, with those words of wisdom, the cold vice commander was stunned. Now chain for a combo.

"See?" second strike, "The wind and sunlight feel so good," mini-crit burst, "Do they?" armor-piercing attack, "There's nothing special about this weather," subtle backstab, "If you'd lie down a bit, you'd understand," K.O. blow!

And that, men, is how you get chicks sleeping with you. Demonstrated by a Harem King himself.

(_Several hours later…_)

Now, yes, I may have woken up early and watched them sleep, but this was in non-creepy Twilight way. It's a bit uncomfortable being right underneath the sun while napping on a branch, so my back and my limbs feel awful. Oh, Kirito's up.

The teen wiped his eyes before beholding the sight of a girl sleeping next to him. Not just any girl, but Asuna. Because Kirito is a shounen Harem King.

"Hey, look," a player passing by with his friends pointed out.

"Asleep already?" one questioned.

"Some people don't work too hard," commented another.

"Who are they? Jeez…"

A voice that totally wasn't mine called out, "IT'S NOT LIKE THEY LIKE EACH OTHER, _BAKAS_! I leave it up to you people whether I was sarcastic or not," it added quietly.

"I didn't think she'd really fall asleep," he rubbed his eyes.

It's a bit obvious if you look at it.

(_Some more time later…_)

Rise and shine, princess! And the girl is waking up drooling with a blade of grass on her cheek. How cute.

"What…" as she looked at the boy sitting on the wall.

"_Ohayo_. Sleep well?" the question came courteously.

The slender hands instantly grasped the rapier on her waist. Take cover, men! I hope you have heavy-armor codpieces! ….. Great, she's cool.

"_Ichijiki_…" Dafuq? "_Ichijiki_!" ENGLISH, MOTHAFUCKA'! DO YOU SPEAK IT? Actually, she doesn't, considering she's Japanese and all. Besides, I already have subtitles, so she's saying 'one meal'. So much for that quote. Still, what is she saying?

"I'll buy you one meal of any kind," she finished, "then, we'll be even. Okay?"

Kirito blinked before he stood up and suggested, "Well then, ummm, there's this one place …"

The couple – I mean, two players that are each of the opposite gender (**that are totally not being shipped already since, like, Episode 2? Maybe this one.**) walked off to the town.

"Okay, Daito. You can get up now," the ground split as the Dragon-Turtle-Torterra-Hybrid rose up.

I jumped off one of his branches finishing the little soundtrack from the beginning of the whole napping thing with Uchumisen.

'_You know you're heavy, even with medium armor._'

"Aw, don't complain. I didn't particularly like the feeling of a wooden knob poking up my ass."

'_You've been mutilated in that avatar in worse ways. I don't see your point._'

"My point is that you, my good familiar and friend, are telling me to stop enjoying naps on you. So, I'll just sleep on top of the shell. No getting on the tree. Except if there are a lot of bears."

'_Do you honestly think that you can understand me?_'

"Of course, I can! It doesn't take some insane imagination to pick up on your vocal tendencies."

The same players from before came by again, "Hey, check this out."

"Talking to his familiar?"

"Some people aren't handling their stress correctly."

"Who is that crazy guy? Crikey…"

I death-glared the. "Daito talks to me like any other human being, douche bags," I said under my breath.

[_4/23/24_ | _4:23 p.m._ | _Floor 57, Martin_ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 506**]

"Hmmm, I have a bad feeling about this, viewers. Something's getting on my back and it's really pissing me off. And I don't know anything that should make me this pissed-off. So, let's just take a look around the town again. Maybe check out Agil's."

However, on my first step, I bumped into a random player and knocked him down with a sound of clanging armor. Massaging my forehead, I peeked at the man in front of me. Heavy armor similar to some HDA guy, brown spiky hair, reminds me of some lance-user. Who's this guy again? (**Don't ask me.**)

"Sorry, didn't see you there. Famously known as Varlancer. You?"

"Schmidt. Defense commander for the Holy Dragon Alliance. We've seen each other in boss fights."

Oh, no wonder I don't remember him. Yeah, his guild and I had some issues after the whole 'fight for the revive item' fiasco last Christmas. "Really. Don't you have important guild work to do in the front-lines or something? I don't see why you're back here of all places."

"One of my former guildmates contacted me. She was from my old guild, Golden Apple. Soon, we're having a meeting."

As soon as I heard 'Golden Apple', I've had a good idea of why I'm here. "Take me with you."

"Huh?"

"Come on, Herr Schmidt. I've got some things to contribute to the discussion. Where's the rendezvous?"

(_5 minutes later…_)

At an inn, I saw the couple – ahem, I mean …. come on, we know this already … standing by a chair with a wavy, blue-haired girl sitting on it.

"Var? How'd you get here?" Asuna exclaimed.

"Believe me. I got to know what happened with Golden Apple. These people are gonna help."

"What business do you have with them?" Kirito faced me.

"I made a promise with someone. Hell, it's been six months, but I take time with everything. She wanted me to find her guildmates."

The girl gasped, "Six months? Y-you mean –" Everyone else stared at me, as well.

"So, you guys know something. Fill me in."

After they explained the PK in the town just yesterday and how Grimlock (**Grimlock NO MURDERER! Grimlock BADASS! And Grimlock NOT HUSBAND! Him KING!**) is trying to avenge his wife's death by eliminating the potential traitors who possibly sold her out, starting with these two and the guy from yesterday; I nodded in understanding.

"Is it really true that Kains was killed with Grimlock's weapon?" Schmidt asked.

Yolko, the other girl, nodded, "It is."

"Why would Kains be killed after all this time?" the man continued, "He … Did he steal the ring? Was he the one who killed Griselda?" He beat his hand on his lap, "Does Grimlock plan to kill the 3 of us who opposed selling the ring? Is he after you and me, too?!"

"It could be another member, and Grimlock-san gave them the spear," his former guildmember added.

I raised my voice, "This Grimlock is probably after you guys taking from what you said, but if anything's for sure, Kains or any of your other guild members didn't directly kill Griselda."

Kirito raised an eyebrow, "How do you know?"

If anyone could see my eyes, they'd be pretty dull from the shit that went down from that time.

"Because, I was there."

**[-]**

**Now, this is a rather two-sided chapter: one weird and the other less-Var than usual. I promise more action-packed content for next chapter, but this part of LPSAO has gone somewhat darker. Depending on how well I do next chapter, hopefully, you readers will see. Plus, first tense CLIFFHANGER! WOO!**

**Now to the reviews:**

**Skyar Triv: 1. Damn right, Shurikenjer's the best! Now if only I could find an mp3 of the Shurikenjer's guitar solo for Revolver Mammoth… 2. Thanks for noticing! Honestly, there's not enough Diamond and Pearl Adventures fanfics on this site last time I checked. And with all of the over-the-topness, crazy comedy, and HARETA; those were really great 8 volumes. 3. Believe it, Gleam Eyes won't know what hit it.**

**Crimson Homura: I know better not to use Daito for cupcakes (No, it should be for a nobler cause … MUFFINS! No, actually, he's too awesome of a familiar to be baked! Ha!) This chapter did have an amusing moment between him and Var for a short time. Hope you enjoyed that!**

**Alek Sands: This is awesome! Special thanks for giving suggestions for Var's nickname, so other readers, you better give this wonderful person some applause. Do it! (*polishing and honing the edge of a round shield*)**

**Infernus est in animo: (reads first review sent) Another reader laughs his/her ass off, that's good. (reads next one) Oh, I was wondering when someone would ask that. Well, Var is obviously the insane one, or at least one of them. But me? Ummm... Be honest. What do you think? READERS, DO YOU THINK I AM SANE? THAT ONLY AN INSANE WRITER COULD MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS? Seriously, I want to know.**

**So, next chapter, Var had been at the event of Griselda's PK and will tell us what happened. What the fuck happened? Well, stay tuned to find out!**

**Like (Favorite), Subscribe (Follow), and Comment (Review). For us never-really-forever-alones, GrimRangerLock, out.**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Reap, End, Repent

[_4/23/24_ | _5:43 p.m._ | _Floor 57, Martin_ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 506**]

"Because, I was there."

I leaned against the wall, letting the tense silence take over the room.

"She left her inn and crossed paths with me on the road to a town with the Teleport Gate, carrying the ring you guys were talking about. Since we were going the same way, we walked together with some small talk. Until we reached a halfway point to the town where all kinds of dense plant cover surrounded us, an ambush was sprung by a group of red players. During the fighting, Griselda was killed by an assassin. That's when I was told to find her guild. So, it's been six months since her death and, coincidentally, I find Golden Apple and the fact that some elusive avenger is killing off possible suspects who caused her death from the same guild."

Schmidt asked hopefully, "Then, none of us were Griselda's murderers. We're all innocent?"

"Well, her murderers had been already dealt with. Whoever's killing you guys off is hunting down the fucker who hired them," my answer said.

"Hired?" Asuna interjected.

I turned to face her, "They only wanted Griselda. If they just tried to kill both of us without a thought, then I would have dismissed it as a red guild having a party. But, they were too focused on her. They might've tried to kill me, too, yet it seems like I was more of an unfortunate witness than any normal prey."

"I also see another thing: this could be the work of Griselda's revenge," Yolko's response surprised even me, "It's only natural that a ghost could kill a player in safe zones. No human soul could defend him or herself from it. And, last night, I stayed up thinking. Thinking that …" Her eyes visibly widened at her thought.

Her shrieking realization might as well break windows, "IN THE END, IT WAS ALL OF US WHO WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER DEATH! WHEN THAT RING DROPPED, WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET IT COME DOWN TO A VOTE! WE SHOULD HAVE LET HER DO WHATEVER SHE WANTED!"

She calmed down on the surface of the open windowsill, "Grimlock was the only one who wanted to give her that option. So it's his right to take revenge on the rest of us for her."

The quivering figure of Schmidt panicked, "You're kidding me … You're kidding me … After six whole months, why now?" He stood up in protest, "Are you just going to allow this, Yolko? Allow yourself to be killed like this?!"

Before his fellow ex-guildmate could reply, everyone heard the physical 'squick' of a blade piercing virtual flesh. Yolko's face of shock and horror only confirmed our senses when she turned around, revealing a dagger of similar design to the sword that killed Kains.

"Yolko-san!" Kirito was the quickest to react as he dashed for the window while Yolko fell off the side of the building.

The shatter of data sounded the passing of the player who had fallen.

"What the hell, Kawahara? She had a nice ass!" a complaint said totally not by yours truly.

A rapier was pulled out of its sheath, "What did you just say?"

The same voice that was not me pleaded, "Nothing! Nothing at all!"

Kirito leaped out the window, saying, "Asuna, I leave the rest to you!"

"Wait!"

Seeing that the swordsman was on pursuit, I spotted the runner in the black cloak running through the rooftops, while my hand readied a tomahawk. "Okay, guys. Let's see here. Wind direction, speed, and pressure. Check. Weapon balance. Check. COD skills. A bit rusty. Here we go!" And I threw the axe hard and high, watching it arc towards the player. However, just before it made contact with the cloth, the head bounced of a purple hexagonal barrier. "What the fuck! That's bullshit! That should've one-shotted him. Where's my Scalper achievement?! C'mon, Call of Duty Multiplayer skillz don't transfer here!"

(**It is a n RPG. Call of Duty has pretty much nothing to do with it. Deal with it.**) (Shut up, TF2 kid.) (**Oh, look out. Ass-sore COD noob on the page.**) (Okay, just kidding. I love both COD and TF2, so shut the fuck up.) (**Not while I'm awake.**) (I can make you sleep forever with Mr. Sharpy Thingy here. Meet up with me in SAO, will you?) (**Touche ….. How about no!? Different dimension, dickwad! Can't catch me here!**) (Fuck!)

After me and The Guy Beyond the Wall of the Fourth ended our little 'banter', Kirito entered through the door upon his return.

Asuna scolded with her weapon pointed, "You idiot! Don't go on being reckless!" Then sheathing it, she asked, "Well? What happened?"

The teen in black shook his head, "No use. He teleported to get away." His fist tightened, "Inside the inns, we're protected by the system. Certainly, she should've been safe."

Shaking in new fear with his hands wracked on his head, the HDA officer muttered, "It was her robe. Griselda's ghost … She's finally come for her revenge on us." The poor guy lost it, laughing in his crazy 'revelation', "For a ghost, pulling off safe-zone PKs would be simple, right?"

At the same time, Kirito and I stated, "That was no ghost."

He hissed in frustration, "There's got to be some systemic logic to make sense of these safe-zone murderers. There just has to be."

I grumbled inaudibly, "I don't think it's even possible to begin with."Eying the crazed figure of the last Golden Apple target, "Guess I have to shadow him. Hopefully, whatever 'avenger' this person is can be caught in the act."

(_Some time later on Floor 19_)

_In the forest, the misty forest ~_

_The players bitch toniiiiight!_

_In this forest, the foggy forest ~_

_I can't see shit without flashliiiiights!_

_Icantseeshit, icantseeshit, icantseeshit, icantseeshit._

"Seriously, what's with this fog? It's so thick that I can barely see anything – WHOA!" my brakes went off before I could ram myself into a dead tree like an idiot schoolboy, "Yeah, like those sneaky trees. Let me guess what's next. A panda?"

"- so sorry! Forgive me, Griselda!" the pleas of the man I was tracking reached my ears, "I never imagined that something like that would ever happen!" He knelt in fearful prayer in front of a large, twisted tree trunk.

"Oh, there you are. Thought I lost you for a bit. Okay, guys, let's see what happens next to this poor confessor."

"Really?" a voice echoed.

"Who dat?" a not-so-subtle question slipped from my mouth.

"Really?" it repeated again.

Both of us turned our attention to a rapidly advancing blur of shadow, which turned out to be a bunny after the smoke cleared only to hop away again.

'So fuckin' cute. _Ka-ka-kawaii_.' Just a stray thought. "What? A guy can't like adorable animals?"

Trying to follow its shadow to the distance, it was only a moment later till a gasp of shock grabbed my attention once again. "There it goes again. So is this the part where it reveals or – oh holy shit."

"What did you do?" a cloaked woman stood in front of Schmidt, "What did you do to me, Schmidt?" She then revealed the toothed sword hidden beneath her cloak. The instantly recognizable weapon that could kill players in safe zones.

Schmidt bowed down again, head lowered, "I – On the day we agreed on the deal for the ring, there was a crystal and memo on my belt pouch, and the orders – "

"Whose, Schmidt?" she interrogated further, "Whose orders?"

Another cloaked figure slid smoothly across the barren ground, promptly joining his partner.

Sweating in his angst, Schmidt recognized the figure as another lost acquaintance, "Grimlock? You're dead, too?"

'Grimlock' repeated the interrogation, "Who was it? Who gave you the orders?"

The armored man replied, trying to shake his head in denial, "I don't know! I really don't! The memo only told me to sneak into Griselda's room, save the position of the crystal, and then deposit it in the guild bank."

"So?"

He looked up for a second, seeing that they're still unsatisfied, before bowing again for one final plea, "That's all I did! I would never murder anyone! Please believe me!"

All was still in the mist. The sky sank from gray to a deeper black. The eerie feeling of suspense was slightly suffocating.

That time ended with the sudden speed of realization, "We've recorded all of it, Schmidt."

The duo flipped up their hoods revealing to be Yolko and who I assume to be Kains.

"Well, looky here, viewers. The ghosts have come back to the realm of the living. Told ya guys it was fake. But we all have to admit, though, whatever trick they used was pretty good. Damn! Plot twist that was so obvious from the start unless you really really believe in ghosts!" I cheered in my branch cover.

Schmidt gazed at the warm glow of the recording crystal in Yolko's hand, "You recorded it?" Then, he dipped his head in relief, "I see … so you cared for Griselda that much."

"You didn't hate her either, didn't you?" Kains asked.

"Oh," he waved his hand hastily in hope of clearing his feelings, "Of course not! Believe me …" His face sullied into something more of guilty seriousness, "Sure, I only passed the entrance requirements into the Holy Dragon Alliance due to the rare weapon I bought from the money I received."

"Hmph, someone needs to wash their hands," I commented drily. A few silhouettes flashed my system-enhanced vision, "I sense something … dark." Then a gleam of light streaked the fog and landed on HDA armor, and Schmidt fell paralyzed.

An accented voice cheered in gratuitous English, "One down!"

Out of the shadows, three new cloaked players stepped into the scene. The one who just spoke and most likely threw the paralyzing dagger knelt down next to his victim. Another held his swordpoint threateningly against the other two. The last followed from behind. Unlike the cloaks of the Golden Apple members, these shorter cloaks were ragged on the edges and gave off a more urban Grim Reaper look, very much like the style of the one murder guild …

"Laughing Coffin, eh?" I grumbled, magnifying the grinning image of the black coffins on their hands, "And it looks like they came to cut off loose ends."

The last one appraised his findings, "Quite a big catch we have here." He acknowledged Schmidt, "He's one of Holy Dragon Alliance's higher-ups." His next question seemed to amuse his accomplices, "Now then … what game shall we play?"

The excitable dagger-wielder exclaimed, "That game! Let's play that game, boss… The game where they kill each other, and only the winner lives!"

His boss noted, "You say that, but … last time we did, you killed the survivor anyway."

"Aaa!" he whined, "You can't tell them that now! It won't be a game anymore, boss!"

"All right," the leader said in finality, "Let's get started." Schmidt could only watch as the two slowly walked towards him as the thick, rectangular edge of the cleaver swung and gleamed in deadliness.

However, the red players hesitated at the sounds of hoofbeats. Also, two knives were thrown at their feet. The horse reared up, whinnying in rebellion, and none other than the _Kuro no Kenshi_ fell on his ass.

Seemingly unfazed by the damage done to his virtual tailbone, Kirito calmly praised his timely arrival, "Guess I made it just in time …" Slapping the horse's plot, he sent it off. (**Every brony's dream, am I right? ;D**) "So what are you gonna do? I've got backup on the way. Do you really want to fight 30 people from the Assault Team?" He drew his own sword in the standoff.

"Bluff! I mean – BULLSHIT!" I coughed ever so discreetly.

After yet another tense moment, (Really tense episode, I guess) (**No more like more screen time to fill up for lack of anything else but CSI: Aincrad.**) the Laughing Coffin leader snapped his fingers. The other two withdrew their weapons and waited for further orders.

"Let's go," he said flatly, and the group moved along.

Before they disappeared into the mist, my boots jumped off from branch to solid ground, "Oi! _Chottomatte_!" Their hoods turned to me.

"Oh, you were following him, weren't you?" Kirito asked.

I confirmed, "Yeah." Then, my question was directed to the murder guild members, "So, heard from your friends recently? I believe you missed a couple after the one mission about this woman." My head tilted towards the gravestone in front of the tree.

"Why, yes, we did. It was shortly after one of our members reported that he got the job until we lost him several minutes later. Then, the rest of his party went dark, as well. I could only believe that they died by monsters or whatnot, such is the natural way of this world. Death is anywhere," the leader replied.

"Hmm, 'tis sad, ain't it? Well, off you go then, just wonderin'," I waved them off.

Nodding in agreement, the trio once again resumed walking off to the distance. Till they fully disappeared from view, we all relaxed.

Sheathing his sword, Kirito voiced his relief, "I'm glad to see you again, Yolko-san."

Yolko looked at the ground, guiltily, "I was going to apologize to you properly, once everything was over," her gaze shifted upwards, "But I can't expect you to believe me."

"Eh, you're fine. Just means not only did you did what you needed to do, but we can replay episode 5 and pause at the 11-minute mark over and over again," I tried to console her.

"What?"

"Kirito," Schmidt shook off his paralysis, "Thank you for saving me, but how did you figure it out? The fact that those three would attack us here?"

The savior only answered, "It's not like I figured it out. I just guessed it as a possibility." He turned to the other two, "Hey, Kains … Yolko. You asked Grimlock to make those two weapons for you, didn't you?"

They looked at each other and nodded. "At first, he didn't really seem up for it. He said he wanted Griselda to rest in peace …" the girl began.

"But when we begged him, he finally forged them for us," her partner answered.

"Sorry, but the reason he opposed your plan wasn't for Griselda's sake. He thought that staging a dramatic incident like a safe-zone PK would draw too much attention, and people would figure it out, sooner or later. In my case, I only realized it half an hour ago," Kirito spelled it out for them, "Since Grimlock and Griselda were married, and they shared the same storage, the killer wouldn't get Griselda's items. He had no benefit from the murder, so the items, including the ring, could only go to the true benefactor. The one who organized her assassination was her spouse, Grimlock."

"It was him?" Schmidt questioned in horror, "It was Grimlock who sent the memo? And he killed Griselda?"

"Not personally, did he kill her," Kirito corrected, "Like Var said, he left the actual murder to red players specializing in such villainous acts."

"In this case, people who would have been part of the officially announced red guild, Laughing Coffin," I added.

"No …" Yolko gasped, "If he was the real killer, then why would he have helped us?"

"Really? Have you ever played the first _Assassin's Creed_?" I asked incredulously.

Ignoring my comment, Kirito continued, "You explained the whole plan to him, right? So this was the chance for him to use it to his advantage and bury the ring incident once and for all. All he had to do was wait for you, Schmidt, and Kains to gather together, so he could kill you all at once."

"So that's why …" Schmidt connected the dots, "That's why that murder guild came here."

"Most likely, he probalby knew them from when he hired them to kill Griselda."

"Called it," I said matter-of-factly.

"That's horrible," her blue hair fell with her from the horror.

"Found him," a new voice reported. In came Asuna, along with a tall man that could only be … Grimlock.

Kirito glared hard at the man, "We can ask him for the details."

"It's been a long time, everyone," Grimlock greeted.

"Grimlock-san …" Yolko's soft voice whispered, "Did you … Did you really …" Finally, she couldn't hold back her tears, "Why, Grimlock? Why did you need the money so badly that you had to rip it off after killing Griselda, your own wife?"

The widower scoffed, "Money? Did you say money? No, not for money. I – I had to kill her, no matter what … while she was still my wife. She was mine in the real world, too," that statement elicited even more gasps of horror, "The ideal wife, the perfect wife … Pretty, submissive … We never had a single fight."

"Sounds like someone had a happy marriage," I remarked sarcastically.

"But when we were both trapped in this world, she changed. Only I was scared, overcome by fear, cowered at this death we were forced to play. However, she never looked so much more alive, more fulfilled than she ever was in the real world."

"And how is that bad? You know, 'Happy wife, happy life'?" I quoted.

"I had no choice but to accept it … That the Yuko I loved was gone. Therefore – Therefore, I wanted to seal Yuko within my memories forever … while we were still in this world where murder is legal … and who could blame me?" he reasoned.

"I would," I answered under my breath, holding in my anger, "Murder ain't legal. Murder ain't cool. And murder makes you a massive dick if you do it on your own wife."

"You killed your wife for that reason?" Kirito argued.

"It's more than enough reason. Someday, you'll understand too, detective. Once you've found love and are about to lose it, that is," he concluded his point.

"No, you're the one who's mistaken, Grimlock," Asuna came by her future boyfriend's side (Oh come on! Anyone can see this coming, no matter how cheesy it is.) , "What you felt for Griselda wasn't love. Your only feeling for her was possessiveness!"

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! #GETREKT!" Okay, let's not point fingers here, guys. I'm not that disrespectful. (Well, sometimes.)

And Asuna's romantic badassery had the dickhead on his knees. So, Schmidt and Kains stood by his hunched figure.

(Grim, can you explain how that works?) (**It's a psychological thing, you know. Breaking a man's heart is pretty painful, and don't get me even started on the side effects.**) (No, I mean how does that make Asuna a badass?) (**Believe me, there are badasses in romance stories, too. And they pull it off without being in any action story. But I guess you have a point there.**)

Kains made a request, "Kirito, could you let us deal with this man ourselves?"

The swordsman allowed it, "All right."

Lifting Grimlock over their shoulders, the two men walked away, and Yolko followed after, bowing in gratitude. In return, we bowed back. This case is finished.

"Alright, everyone. I think this ends yet another episode of the _Sword Art Online_ Let's Play. A soul and a case finally laid to rest. I wish you all happy lives. And for the guys, happy love lives and wives, as well. Sending you off, this is Varlancer. Love ya' all. Bye. And why the hell is the sun shining now of all times?" Video end. "Seriously, I wouldn't have gotten lost like those times I've been to this place before, if it only shined like this." I was still angry from letting Grimlock go without at least a beating, but my mind composed itself at the view of radiant light shining through the hill.

When I marveled at the beauty of the light, my wonder grew as I noticed an image materializing on top of the gravestone. There stood the smiling figure of Griselda. The sight struck my mind to make me feel mixed emotions from the past, but I let them go, feeling them dissipate from my thoughts. She watched Asuna and Kirito come to see her, giving them a brief nod. Then, to me, she simply stared with her softly glowing eyes. It was a second later, and she had already faded away.

"Oh well. I forgot to fulfill our promise, so sorry for that. And I don't think I'll ever get the chance again. Besides, I don't deserve your kindness, anyway," I said to her memory, looking at my hands.

[_Flashback Start_]

[_6/23/23_ | **Griselda's P.O.V.**]

"_Yeah, I ain't a counselor or anything, but even I think a relationship should be a bit more balanced than what you had before. You know, like, you get some critical roles; your man also get some others. System of checks and balances. Gender-equal democracy. That good stuff," the boy in front of me mused nonchalantly._

_I deadpanned, "Have you ever been in a relationship?"_

"_Oh, hell no. If I had a girlfriend, I'd be checking my texts by now instead of picking up a freaking NerveGear. It's either that, or she would be a gamer and be my partner here with me like some badass battle couple right now, along with some friends that I don't currently have in large supply."_

"_So, why should I listen to you?"_

"_Absolutely no reason at all to. I'm just trying to get some words out of my mouth."_

_My hand slapped my forehead, "Now, I understand more about the problem child."_

"_Just saying, I'm a pretty average teenager, so what more do you expect?"_

"_An average teenager with his head actually on earth."_

"_I wouldn't be surprised if we're on the Cloud or some big server that's definitely not on the ground. Join the club."_

"_I pass. Now's a good time to start regretting the times I spent learning English."_

"_Wait, how __did__ you learn English? Japanese Rosetta Stone?"_

_Of all of the times to come up with this topic, now he has to address the fact that I was speaking fluent English the whole time._

"_No, I studied 2 years in America adding the fact that I also attend regular business trips there."_

_His eyes sparked with interest, "Really? Man, last time I tried learning something besides English, I gave up after the first year and just went to play Hearthstone under the desk all day."_

"_Can't you stay quiet for at least five minutes?"_

_He silenced himself, and I relaxed for five minutes. As annoying as he is, I do have to admit that he doesn't seem to be a bad person at heart. Plus, his confident and somehow impossible demeanor has the confidence of a player worthy to be up here in the frontier with those in the big guilds._

"_Okay, five minutes are up. So, what cargo are you holding that you want to sell up here?" the boy said._

"_Oh, it's this rare ring from the lower levels with an incredible Agility stat boost," I answered._

"_What about Hiding?" he asked._

"_Why do you ask?"_

"_Besides you talking about your marriage problems, you mentioned your guild was divided on whether to keep that item or not, so I just had an idea. It's nothing, really. But, seriously."_

"_Nothing at all on it."_

"_You don't have a split personality that insists you call the ring 'precious'?" he looked at me with a straight face._

_Is he …?_

"_Of course not! This is not __Lord of the Rings__!"_

_With a sigh followed by a shrug, the boy surrendered his hands, "Sorry, just making sure. Can I see it then?"_

_How can this kid even consider that possibility? But at least he's honest. After some searching, my inventory presented the said ring on my palm. Before he even bent down to examine it, the shield dropped down into his hands, and he also drew the huge greatsword from his back. A hail of throwing blades rained from a side of the trail, and in a blur of metal sparking against metal they all fell harmlessly to the ground. Dust settled around the now alert figure._

"_Griselda-san, you might wanna put on that ring," Varlancer said._

_(Flashback to Part 231_ | **Varlancer's P.O.V.**_)_

_Temporarily disregarding how I just perfectly deflected all those blades like a badass, I noticed a translucent coat of liquid along the edges. With my experience dabbling with herb- and potion-mixing (totally not in the hopes of my fulfilling my dream to open up a bar complete with an underground black market for illegal drugs. *cough* And not trying to make Weed Art Online*cough* Version 4. .it *cough*), the paralysis poison was only elementary in deducing from its common appearance. To make matters worse, these are obviously the work of players, most likely orange or maybe even red._

_Behind me, Griselda drew her sword and shield and moved to cover my back. Very nice of her._

"_Just focus on blocking and dodging them. 'Cuz if you get hit, you're a sitting duck. And, oh, here comes another one from the bastards!" I called out on the wave of knives that came around next._

_Hunkering down behind the shield, I picked out my own collection of sharp projectiles. My own wave of kunai were soon scattering the bushes, and a few cries of astonishment confirmed the hits. However, the klang of locking blades turned my attention to the flanking group of players ganging up on Griselda. I threw both of my armaments at enemies, knocking most of them down with their size and weight. This was soon followed up with a charge as my saxe knife slid from under my sleeve to the grip of my hand. A rush of the flickering blade punctured through the thin cloth of a black cloak only to do so again and again in rapid succession. Kicking away the wounded body, my next move was towards the next target who occupied the green-cloaked swordswoman in a furious whirlwind of hatchet and sword. A thrown knife stunned him long enough for me to run up, retrieve my weapon, and beat him senseless with the hilt. Then, after hiding away the knife under my sleeve again, I scooped up my previously discarded weapons as the stunned survivors slowly got back up. I took some time to catch my breath by my ally's side. I felt an invisible crosshairs on my forehead, like the sense of my blinking orange cursor made me targeted._

"_Did you put on that ring?" I asked with eyes shifting through the half dozen assassins out for us._

_She answered with a "yeah"._

"_Then, run. I'll cover you and keep those guys occupied."_

"_But, I can't just let you …" she hesitated._

"_Goddammit, _senpai_. Just go! At least, just notice me for crap," my sword caught two daggers mid-lunge, and I pushed the two offenders away._

_Still with initial hesitation, she turned and, with a burst of speed not of her own, sprinted for the direction of the town. On my side of things, I had to face these guys in ragged black cloaks._

"_Get out of the way, boy. We only want to kill the woman," the calmly expectant tone of the player only fueled my suspicion of whether these people are even in their right minds. _(**Wait a minute. Var is questioning sanity? Wow, best joke of the chapter.**)_ Like, is that seriously something a rational murderer would say? Wouldn't he just kill me and get it over with? Screw drama and mercy._

_I rolled my eyes, "Get the fuck out of here, assholes. I only want you to not kill the woman."_

_One of the reds ran towards me with a sword raised. I sheathed my sword and let my knife once again be thrown from my hands. It pinned down a foot and the runner halted in his tracks, kneeling. Two more knives slid from my hands, thrown to pin down his hands next. Effectively stuck to the ground, the player could only writhe around in futility._

_After, the assassins looked at their comrade then looked at the knives I was currently juggling in my twirling hands._

_I only looked up at the knives flying high, "So, who wants to play 'Pin the Knife on the Stupid Jackass'? Sadly, we don't have a poster," my eyes came down on them with a sharp glint of warning._

_However, said jackasses only rushed forward with their clearly superior numbers._

"_But, I guess you will do," I finished with a sigh, "Thank you for the Skewer in advance."_

_As knives flew left and right, more and more of the players fell as the blades dug in like stakes, stopping them in their tracks. After the onslaught of poor souls being put down, I couldn't help but feel much more of a badass than I should. Partly because this isn't the kind of badass I wanted to be. Much to my chagrin though, I heard more rustling in the bushes behind me growing quieter as the escapee is back on the hunt for his target. With a curse, I gave chase._

"_Damn me and my stupid weapon weight. I should've bought those Kon Boots while I had the chance. How can I catch up to this guy and drop him with his buddies?" However, the more disturbing thought yanked on my already strained line of thought, 'Will I make it in time so that he doesn't get to __her__?'_

_My legs speeded along the trail for the one who slipped from my grasp, and my eyes roved through the undergrowth furiously for any sign of his progress coming to cross paths with the one I have to protect. I've felt this vague helplessness before. Like my times playing soccer in a league as a typical defender and a pretty good one at that, I've felt the small pride of being able to stop and push back anyone who comes me and my partner's way, all for the sake of protecting the goal and the goalie inside it. I'd never let anyone get past me without me hot on their heels, but there are those who do anyway. And all I do is run as far as I could go, hoping that the goalie, our lone last survivor, can just push back that ball once to buy those precious seconds for another to come reinforce him._

"_Heh, it's just a game. People win some, and people lose some. It's just motherfuckin' life. Life doesn't care what it gives and takes. Why the hell should I?" I tried to laugh at myself, "If the cheeky forward scores a goal, well, we can always come back. Hah!"_

_Oh yeah, the reality is that the crazy guy's gonna kill a bitch when he finds her. As much as I don't want to call her a bitch, she is the only other person in the scenario, plus she's actually female. And, crap on a biscuit, I hope she can stay alive long enough to live. If the insane bastard's gonna score any points, it's for taking a life. Like, seriously, just because gamers have no lives, it doesn't mean we have to take any, right? Unless you're a WoW warlock. Because that's what I had to do whenever I played that class. Either way, I'm an ass for making life and death sound so trivial._

_A surprised yell interrupted my thoughts, and the thud of a falling body heightened my alarm. "Shut up, Var. She's probably already paralyzed now!"_

_With a newly awoken fear inside, my feet pounded harder on the dirt road. I couldn't help but hear another blade plunged through data, data that is all that is for a human's material existence living in this world. I couldn't help but see the imaginary images of what I will find. I couldn't help but feel like the worthless teen again who couldn't get off his ass fast enough. I couldn't help but run yelling and kicking up dirt as I watched the murderer bring down his last blade through Griselda's body. In a brief moment of clarity through my emotions, I remembered the weapons on my back and put them to good use. The shield, hurling towards his back in a razor sharp arc, knocked him off his straddling pose. He let out an agonizing groan as he pushed upwards in an attempt to stand again before I dropped from the heavens with a Sonic Leap, jamming my sword deep through his torso. The man jerked in pain but instantly fell limp soon after from the shock. When that skirmish was over, I immediately turned my attention to the wounded player I came for._

_Griselda spoke in a ragged voice torn with labored breaths, not fitting with her more graceful tone I've heard not so long ago, "Var – haa – lancer, can you promise me something?" Her Japanese words made me turn my gaze away from the weapons I was pulling out of her virtual body hastily to check the text plastered on my HUD._

"_Now's not the time. You're not dying, okay?" I growled in restraint of my feelings and fears. Fingers fumbled around my belt hidden under the robe, digging through my deep pockets. Why do I have so many weapons and not enough healing crystals to match? I'm so hatin' life right now._

"_Find my guild – huuuuuuh – Golden Apple. Tell them I don't blame them. It wasn't them. – haaah – I lived." Her HP bar was a thin line, and by then I could only grunt out a "yeah" as I stared at her final expressions. It was a simple neutral gaze with a small look of contemplation slowly being realized into slight disappointment. Her lips lifted into a serene smile till I watched them crack and release into glittering lights reflected by the wonderful shards of her life._

_That was my first time being at someone's side as I watched her die._

[_Flashback and Video End_]

(_She just died in my arms tonight! It must have been something you wrote. I should've been more cool!_ Damn, why the hell do I get serious scenes now? They don't fit my character! I'm supposed to be ridiculous, charismatic, insane, twisted, and shit; and this doesn't fit the bill at all!)

(**Well, excuse me for trying to give you character development.**)

(Right now, I think you suck at it. So don't try.)

(**Oh my God. Hey, try to look at the fuck I'm trying to give your '**_**I think you suck**_**'.**)

(I can't see it, moron_._)

(**Yeah, because there is no fuck I'm giving you. I don't give fucks to what you think.**)

(-_-….. Well played. …. You're in a different dimension! It's obvious!)

(**Does it look like I care?**)

"Hey, Var," Kirito called out, "Wanna join us for a meal?"

I faced the two players, "Nah, I'm fine. I'll just see you guys later."

"Oh, yeah. I need to ask you something," he called again, "What happened to the Laughing Coffin members? Do you know?"

Should I tell him? "Uh, well …" I don't think I can. "I just sent them packing. After that, they were gone." I informed. A bright flash happened, and my trusty partner Daito stood beside me. Mounting him, we strode off to town.

'_So, you didn't tell them._'

"Well, how could I? I'd just be more insane than I already seem. It'd be better if no eyes were constantly staring at my back, waiting for me to break."

'_When you told me the story, I thought you were right to do so._'

"Daito, your kind is meant to fight us and pretty much kill us. You're a biased opinion."

'_You admitted that humans are assholes. Besides, we're all killers to live._'

"A lot of them are. And the ones I dealt with that time especially so."

'_Then think about it. You really did have your reasons._'

"But, they were more emotions than reason."

'_Quit overthinking it. Just think like you always do._'

"I always overthink things."

'_Well, for fuck's sake, don't punch yourself too hard._'

"*Sigh* I should stab myself at least once."

[_Moments after Griselda's Death _| **Varlancer's P.O.V.**]

_Griselda's actual murderer was struggling to remove the blade dug deep through his torso. His hands tried to wrap his hands around it. He pushed his body in futility only to collapse in a heap, bored out of his mind from inactivity._

_His head jerked towards the sound of my voice, "You know what you've just done, right? Killing a perfectly beautiful, married woman is a dick move."_

_His eyes widened in slight surprise, glued to the sight of my hand gripping the hilt over him. Then, he looked at me uninterestedly after calming down._

"_Yeah, you get that sword off my chest, brat. Just let me go, have me meet up with my buddies, and I just might convince them to let you live. I already killed the woman, so nothing left for you. Am I right, hero?" he grinned at me, sickeningly._

_I mimicked a thinker trying to gather his thoughts together with some head-scratching. Finally, a look of decision spread across my fake face._

_The decision was, "Oh, you wanna see your friends? Don't worry. I'll handle that. Just sit tight for a sec."_

_The sword slowly pulled out from his body, and the body's owner grimaced in slight pain. Inch by inch _(**Or 2.54 centimeters by 2.54 centimeters for you non-U.S. readers. Just being considerate.**)_, metal smoothly slid out until only the tip was grazing the flesh. Just before his expression freed itself from its painful grimace, it quickly reverted to its previous shock of being impaled again as the sword swiftly inverted itself in an upward swing. His body fell once again deep through while the man gave a surprised shout. Heaving the blade, including the red player over, my shoulder; I jogged back to where I left the rest of his party. Already, one of them was freed by his other comrades who I didn't pin down. Once they saw the limp figure of their party member, they froze in place. One drew his weapon and thrust forward as if to distract me. I simply threw my sword at him, wounding him again; but as a consequence the impaled man already occupying it split in half from the circular motions and promptly exploded in shards in his death. The cursor immediately gave off a slight burn on top of my head, branding a criminal. Red was my status and that was how I ended up on the level of these murderers … and buried myself even lower._

_Once again, my new knives crossed the distance with the rest that were still standing, sending them back to the ground. Having lost one of their own, they paled at my steadily contorting, twisted grin. My thoughts went berserk with my newfound taste of death, and self-control couldn't seal the widening cracks in the armor covering my mind. Unfortunately, the barriers couldn't hold. Within me, all hell broke loose._

_My voice impressed me with a demonic undertone, "Sentai Avatar Change."_

_The oh-so familiar transformation sequence didn't feel as normal than what I was used to. It felt like a shroud, hazy and also hazardous. This time didn't feel right._

_This loadout included a long, black samurai robe with regular sandals. Strapped onto my back was another greatsword with an unusual knife-like appearance with no crosspiece or guard. If the outfit seemed ordinary enough, then the most striking feature was the intimidating mask concealing half of my face. As if from a ghost story, the grinning skull-like face also had my headgear theme of the compass star covering my eyes horizontally but also split my face vertically. Behind shadowy depths of the sunken interior, only hollow eyes glared coldly back._

"_Death pities those who laugh. Those who laugh cannot hear Death laughing over their shoulder. I am the Death's reaper of souls. _Shinigami, Egaodosō. Sanjou."_ My amusement with these monsters should have been satisfied, I guess. "Now, who wants to visit Hell? I heard their torture chambers are superbly state-of-the-art just recently. And they were already advanced enough with the new tools last time I came."_

_After a wide sweep of the area, the lucky winner was picked up by the neck, hurled at a tree trunk, then had a spear through his center to keep him there. What was scarier to me, I wondered. The fact that I was executing a player in my own sadistic way, red cursor or not; or that I was laughing a real, authentic, hysterical laugh that might as well make yanderes go crawl back to a cage. _(**Yeah, if any of you felt bad for Yuno, well, I might sound like a dick. Or a common author making a reference. Screw it.**)

_The details fast-forwarded in an attempt to make this whole turn more forgettable, but they were just too important and scathing to disregard from my memories. I just couldn't free my mind from the murderous blur._

_Spinning that spear-pierced man like a record lasted only a minute before a knife came between his eyes._

_Lopping off a man's arms and sending him running only served my insane entertainment. It wasn't long before axes bounced and skidded along the ground till they dismembered the rest of his limbs. And the axe finisher before his torso was another addition to the slaughter._

_Grinding a man up with a spinning naginata made a fine sparkling mist, scattering the area._

_Two men were complete porcupines after having an entire rain of weapons hail upon them. Makin' it rain!_

_Oh, beating someone's face in with a healing crystal was so ironic. I made a bet with him, saying that if I could beat him with it till it breaks; I'd heal him with the crystal. But, the thing was … it did break. It only healed me, for some reason; so we had to go for round two. Sadly for him, he died after a couple smashes. Wish he could've lasted longer._

_And then I – Well, you don't want me to go further, right? Because who knew that it would turn out this way, right? You know how the most carefree and entertaining characters can have their dark moments. It's not like the author just wanted to experiment with dramatic and more violent scenes. _(**Fuck you!**) (I'm currently a psychopath, whatcha gon' do 'bout it?) (**Let's start by establishing that you aren't a psychopath!**)

_Oh, phew. Just one more to go. Then it will be all over._

_I sat cross-legged next to the last man who was sweatier than a yak in Ecuador. Taking out my sleeve to clean my blade up a bit (despite having no real blood or such on it), I consoled the last victim._

"_Aye, don't worry. I'll make this one relatively quicker than the others because you've made it this far. Just do me a favor, will ya?"_

_He only tried staring deep through my mask in a last attempt to persuade me otherwise._

"_Stupid people. Not giving any response when a man has to give another man a solid. _Baka_," I grumbled out the last foreign word in disdain. Rolling my eyes, I sighed, "Okay then, any last words or requests?"_

_Before he could answer, my sword hilt butted him in the forehead. His body slowly glowed with a clear blue light._

"_Sorry, asshole, but you're not doing me a solid. Therefore, I'm not doing you one, either!" I knocked him up into the air. I started yelling really loudly, "Since you're the last one to die, I'm gonna make you do my request anyway. First thing, give the Devil a brofist for me. Really nice of him to put extra cheese on my burger. Next thing, please tell Death that I'm frankly getting tired of the texting. Would be great to see her. Last thing, tell the rest of your buddies this 'cause I forgot –," I jumped up to where the doomed was falling, with hugeass knife-blade in hand that is definitely not a moon that slays shit, "__**REPENT MOTHERFUCKER!**__"_

_SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! SLICE!_

_Landing back to the ground, I basked in the final death before my thoughts and senses came back to my will._

_I slapped my forehead, "God. Damn. It. I'm a murderer now and an insane one at that." After I lay down on the trail where so much carnage was never seen again but had already happened, multiple deep breaths calmed me down, "What have I done?"_

[_Flashback End_]

"Well, at least, I got over it."

'Yeah, make sure you get a grip, though. You don't want to risk breaking yourself down anymore.'

"I'm pretty sure it's gonna come back to bite me in the ass."

(Character development, huh?)

(**Fine, more like character 're-definition'.**)

(You made it up. Now, not only am I scaring off Laughing Coffin, now it's your viewers, too.)

(**I'm sure they'll be more understanding. This is probably as dark as this story gets. The rest is going to have some shady parts, yes; but nothing else to be concerned about … I hope.**)

(I'm now a dormant psychopath. They have every damn right to be concerned.)

(**Sociopath! You have more anti-hero qualities, I believe. So, if you want make yourself look like a bad guy, go for it. Though, take Daito's advice. This is probably the worst you'll ever do in your fictitious life. Nothing else.**)

(I'm still insane, however.)

(**We're both that since the beginning, just a more entertaining kind of insane.**)

**[-]**

**Yeah … that was a thing. Technically, the summary did say, quote on quote, "probably insane Let's Player".**

**Like I told Var, that was the darkest part of his time here in Sword Art Online, and given his usual mentality he'll keep himself together till the end.**

**Nothing else to say really, but … GODDAMN! THIS TOOK AGES TO UPDATE! I don't know about you guys, but a month in summer goes by so fast and makes me so fuckin' lazy. It's ridiculous!**

**Now onto the reviews:**

**Ithilgoree: Really, you noticed? Well, I guess it's not too hard to tell given my updating speed and random stuff spewed out of my mind. Thank you, however.**

**Axel The Moon: CALM DOWN, BROSKY! Just think. Who else talks in bold letters? (Play Jeopardy music. Doodoodoodoo-Doo~doodoodoodun!) …. Deadpool in the **_**Son of a Mercenary**_** fanfic that I favorited. That guy loves breaking the fourth wall. (Like who else? Me? | Randomly-conjured Imaginary Ego: Oh my, Lock. Why do you talk so **_**boldly**_**?)**

**Crimson Homura: (totally not embarrassed and totally not blushing) Well, it was meant to be a usual comedy chapter, but it wasn't that outstanding. Either way, I can't say anything else but be honored to have your praise and privilege. BUT, this might not be the next chapter you're looking for. (runs out AFK)**

**That's it for this chapter of Let's Play **_**Sword Art Online**_**, and while also praying for both me and Var's sanities, I'm here as GrimRangerLock. **_**Ja ne!**_


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Let the Reports Go!

[_6:26 p.m._ | _6/25/24_ | _Floor 55, West Mountain_ | _**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play Part 563**]

"I wonder if you can get frostbite here? 'Cuz if I can, then cutting off my limbs wouldn't be that much of a problem, but it would still be disturbing. I bet that's what happened to you, am I right?"

"ROARRR!" the beast I face, well, roared; but I wasn't kidding about its missing arm.

"Seriously, thanks for the info, Sirf – Zerp – X'rphan. Hey, is it okay if I call you Sapphiron? It's just much easier to remember for me."

In response, the white frostwyrm breathed a blue burst stream of destruction. The blast blew apart many of the solid crystal formations at where I'm standing. So, I shouldn't repeat this fact, but I'm not a crystal formation.

"Or should it be Blue-Eyes? Hmm, you're certainly white, but your eyes are clearly red. Brosky, are you related to all these dragons somehow? Eh, I'll just stick with Sapphiron," I shrugged, blowing on my smoking shield.

With claws coming my way, I took my primary weapon for this fight, a long katana with serrated edges, and stabbed through its flesh. I spun around to pull it out and raised my other arm over my head, shielding myself from the dragon's fangs. My katana lunged at its face, and I swung over to ride on its head using the sword as the fulcrum. 'Sapphiron' swiped at himself trying to scratch me off. I evaded and proceeded to give the beast a backscratch with my sword. Oh, doesn't slashing down an enemy's spine just make you feel more of a badass than you really are?

After my touchdown back to ground, the tail slammed into me like a freight train scoring me in between the goalposts right through the net like Germany in FIFA. (How many soccer references are you planning on in this story?)(**First, for you people outside of the States, yeah I mean football. And eh, I don't know why I make these metaphors. I just know soccer better than other sports.**)

"Ow," I stated in my slightly pained state, "That hurt more than I thought. No damage on the health bar, but, damn, does this pain wants me to convert to masochism."

As if finding an advantage in the air, it hovered skyward to safety. Like a hawk coming for its prey, the dragon dived towards me with his only arm outstretched.

I had an idea, "Well, time to test out some new Dragon-Slaying skills."

Taking out a bottle and pouring its contents onto my gauntlet, my fingers curled up into a fist. "_Tenryu no VERNIER!_"My legs then surged forward with incredible speed, already putting me literally face-to-face with the dragon. Raising my drenched fist in the air, it suddenly burst into flames as I roared, "_Karyu no TEKKEN!_" Its head headed down from the devastating punch. The dragon-slaying ended once I raised my katana in an overhead arc. With the glow of a Sword Skill, its serrated blade started swiftly moving along the edges with a high-pitched whir. "_Tetsuryu no KEN!_" the now chainkatana drove through the crystalline flesh. A dragon was permanently grounded for the day.

I jumped off, but the dragon still whined weakly. From the same bottle, I drank the same liquid that was applied to my fist.

"_Karyu no –_" Soon after, my cheeks swelled from the internal pressure exploding inside until I yelled out, "_HOKO!_" The ending stream of flame blew it to bits. "Yeah, I kinda like my dragon at least medium or well-done," I complimented in a purposefully dumb voice, "There, dragon slain. Now, where is that rare metal? Oh, look! I'll pick up that dragon cra–"

However, the sound of the explosion of death ceased for a second before rewinding. All of the crystal pieces of the dragon's remains reformed. It wasn't a moment later till I heard the live cry of the same thing I just killed.

"Great, just fuckin' great. It Reincarnates. Now I have to start all over again, using the _Skyrim_ method this time," I complained, "Either way, I'm going to be an unhappy and tired son of a bitch when this is over. How would you guys feel?"

Before I knew it myself, my chest was stuck between one set of dragon teeth and a hard place. That's another set of dragon teeth. The health bar on my screen was just taking a little pinprick of damage, but otherwise my ribs and vitals don't appreciate multiple teeth sticking out from my chest.

"Well, this sucks. How the hell am I supposed to get out of this?"

I requipped my sword for a mace in my inventory and promptly began whacking it in the eye. Most of the hits simply grazed its crystalline hide in a few lazy attempts. Though, I did actually try to aim and hit it later, so a good bop right on its eyeball opened up its jaw up enough for my escape.

I noted while freefalling, "Wow, who knew that dragons were similar to sharks? Maybe I should try that dragon wing soup after all. The one at Floor 43, I believe."

A couple of loud crunches echoed once I crashed into the snow-covered stone. Groaning, I stood up and dusted myself off. Then, I checked out the cave I just ended up in. Dark with shadows but slightly glittering with the ice, this place was just cold and empty. The opposite end, strangely, had a dim artificial glow from the darkness, so I approached it casually. It was uncharacteristic with the environment, and, heck, this entire world. It was a large computer monitor complete with a keyboard.

"What the hell, Kayaba? What's a computer doing–," I examined the device closely for any other novelties, but the monitor enveloped me in an even brighter light, "DAFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!"

[_Video End_]

[_**Varlancer's P.O.V.**_]

"– UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUQ!" I finished yelling, "Eh? _Nani kore_?"

By now, my surroundings have completely transformed into something else entirely. As if I was in some digital dream destination, it was just a completely blank white space save a vacant desk and chair. I surveyed the area again, and ran a little off towards the nonexistent horizon, only to return back to the origin. Therefore, with nothing else to do, I plopped onto the chair and spun myself right 'round.

(_Kayaba-knows-what time later …_)

On my finger right now was a spinning buckler shield. Scratching on its surface was the end of a halberd which inexplicably short shaft (only 2 feet) was clamped between my legs. All the while I was spinning myself on the office chair like a bored guy with no idea what to do for his next fanfiction chapter. (That's oddly specific.) (**It's hard, man. It's a tough lifestyle. It's a difficult life hunting those plot bunnies. Clever girls…**)

"You spin my head right 'round, right 'round.~ When you go down. When you go down, down.~" Singing random songs is one of the things some of us do when we're bored. Naturally, this lazy son of a gun is one of those people.

Out of nowhere, someone warped into the room mid-chorus.

"Excuse me, sir. But are you busy as of now?" its voice spoke. Unsurprisingly, it had a British-butler accent. I mean, who didn't love Jarvis?

"Uh, yeah. Just give me a minute, Delta. I'll finish the track, and I'll get back to you, okay?" Then, I resumed singing.

(_More time later …_)

"Ohmahgawd, bruh. It's a double rainbow. What does dat shit mean?" I mean, there totally is a double rainbow. It's not like I'm drunk again.

"Are you ready now, sir?" the same voice from before asked.

I asked another question in response, "Hey, Ultron, do you know what a double rainbow is?"

"Double rainbow?" it replied surprisingly.

"Oh? Well, a 'double rainbow' is a phenomenon of optics that displays a spectrum of light due to the sun shining on droplets of moisture in the atmosphere. Does that explain it?"

An awkward silence in the area was filled only by the sound of bubble and the fuming plumes of smoke in the air.

"What are you doing with that pipe?" A cough roughly left its mouth, "And what's with all that smoke?"

"Uh, I was makin' a hot dog, man. Just a hot dog." I inhaled another blissful breath from the pipe, but I also muttered, "I'm never feedin' my kids broccoli. Actually, if they grow up to be complete dicks, I'll force them to eat it."

"I'll come by another time," the figure said nervously.

(_Seconds, minutes, hours, millenia … Do I look like I check my watch while smoking wee – wee bit of sausage?_)

"So, are you ready now – WHAT IN KAYABA'S NAME?"

I growled huskily, "Ha! Take it all in, bitch!"

One hand was furiously clicking on a mouse, and the other was "double-clicking" something very _big_ and very hard hidden under the desk. The chair I sat on creaked from the intense movements under the desk. In the privacy of my borrowed headset, I continually heard the slapping of flesh and the voices of one male and female going at it. For me, it was going great to my pleasure.

"HELL YEAH! Turn around and I'll give it to your FACE!" I reached the end of it, "Here it is! COMING!" As I finished, I also groaned when gooey, sticky white stuff covered the screen. Panting, I laid back on the backrest in exhaustion.

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I sighed, back to virtual reality, "So, did you need something from me?"

The hologram only stayed frozen in place. Soon, it shook off its astonishment and asked, "Just what in Aincrad were you doing?"

I raised an eyebrow yet shrugged noncommittally. "Oh, I caught up with some things back IRL. You know, email and news and Youtube flame wars and new overhyped FPS's and whatever else I could find from the Internet." I let myself slouch even lower, "Crazy, isn't it? A computer with Internet connection here in a video game. It sucks though to only have just below 2,500 views on my fanfic."

"But, what were you doing just now?" its voice laced with caution.

I pointed to the screen, "Hearthstone." Through the hot mess on its surface, it did reveal the victorious portrait of Uther Lightbringer with flags and confetti. "Yeah, I'll clean up that shit later." I took out a hanky and began wiping the slime off the monitor.

"But, what's that?" it pointed at my region down below.

I looked down and then back to its face, "Him? I kinda just call him 'Varlancer Jr.' He's a little big, but you'll still love him. He's always up for a good time. A lot of other monsters jerked him around, but I can tell you're the kind of guy who'll treat 'im right. Don't get me wrong, he's a handful, but a nice handful," I petted 'Varlancer Jr.' once again, "Look, I'll be honest, I'm tired of playing with him. You wanna see him?" My voice lowered, "Come by over here a little closer and I'll let you have a look." Then, it went back to normal, "C'mon, whaddya say?" I whispered, "I'll give you 30 Col right now if you play with him right now by my side."

The hologram radioed in, "NPC Harrassment."

Let's just say all of the weapons in SAO were aimed at my throat.

"Was it something I said?" I tried to shoo them away while attempting to rephrase, "Look, dude. It's just my Torterra-Dragon-Turtle Thingy named Daitoragon hiding underneath the desk. Is it wrong for me to call him family?" Though, I guess he's more of a brother than son. "Seriously, how can you not notice him?"

True enough, the giant shell of my Tamed Beast slowly crawled out underneath the desk. Daito pushed me and the chair back with his head still on my lap, rumbling in affection like a nice dog. He just had recently caught a cold while exploring this floor. His white snot just drooled out of his nostril which I had to clean up. Come on, people. What else do you think it was?

"Kay, here you go. Just had to sneeze on the monitor, didn'tcha?" Then, he returned to his summoning crystal.

Once I popped a question in my head, I ran over what just happened before and noted, "You know, once I read over that transcript, I could see how my words might've been misconstrued." (**I made it that way. This is supposed to be a sort-of crackfic after all.**) (You ass.)

The figure visibly relaxed, and all of the weapons vanished.

"So, to where I wanted to be intentionally, I wanted to ask, 'Who are you exactly?'" it inquired.

"I'm Yo Face. Or 'Var' for short," I answered, "And you?"

"I am the primary driving and management force of all of _Sword Art Online_, the Cardinal System. However, I do at times be referred as simply 'Cardinal'," the greeting was neutral.

I hate to admit this, but … my eyeball almost fell out of its socket. Shocker, alright?

"Yeah, and GrimRangerLock3001 is Reki Kawahara, because the entire Aincrad arc is 100+ episodes with more developed plot, characters, romance, and _plot_," came the sarcastic reply, "Hmph, damn disclaimers."

'Cardinal' questioned, "Are you talking about some novel or manga series here?"

Sharp as a knife, I glared at him, "Hey, only I break the fourth wall here." I looked up, "Grim?"

(**Hey, it would get boring if I just talked to you all the time, Var. I need to make friends, too, you know.**)

(Really, nigga?)

(**Okay, you're right. It's impossible to make friends with fictional characters, or else I would have 13 waifus. But, hey, I'm a troll.**)

I watched 'Cardinal' search around in confusion.

"Did you hear a voice just now? It apparently knows you, Var."

"Uh, no," I replied curtly while discreetly pointing my middle finger to the sky behind my back, "So, how was your day?"

"Today, I had to do a routine check of mobs, floors, dysfunctional old A.I. going rampant from being unable to do their job, gameplay balancing, a multitude of bugs, and that one elusive mystery that happened with the Field Boss at Pani."

"Oh, yeah, good luck with that," my nervous chuckle came out, and I scratched the back of my head.

The hologram examined me closely for a good minute or so.

"Confirmation: The source of that incident is you or connected to you."

'He found me out that easily?' I thought in disbelief. I muttered, "What dumb game of imagination are you playing now, Lock?"

"Polygraph readings suggest suspicious activity, and after analyzing your memories, evidence suggests you are capable of performing several actions not initially implemented in SAO. True, is it not?"

I played dumbass, "I refuse to answer that question because I already know the answer to that question, so I'm making sure if you know the answer to that question. So, please, say the answer to that question, St. Louis."

"Yes, it is true. And you did know the answer to that question."

"Well, fuck. Talking doesn't just work. Might as well just start up a conversation," I told myself. Back to Cardinal, "Okay, you got me. I might've broke the game at that time, so what are ya gonna do about it?"

"I am currently running statistics, scenarios, and Google to discover what is the best way to delete a human being's existence from a virtual reality world without I having to offline your brain. Unfortunately, full-dive virtual reality is still a new technology, and simply logging you out would be an anticlimactic ending for an individual like you."

I raised my brow, "You take that much consideration?"

"For one that only watched the Red vs. Blue series and decides to worship the largest … 'asshole', as the term is usually used, in their known universe named Church; I am not as simple of a concept of an A.I. than you think. Being a sole entity controlling an entire world is a large role for even an entity with my processing capabilities."

"I don't know if you still have Google on a tab somewhere, but I think that's called being a system-logic-driven, data-composed, artificial version of what a theist calls God. Or what a centuries-old Voyager calls 'creators'. Or what Yuno Gasai calls 'Yuuki'. Well, not the last one, but you know where I'm going with this."

"Continuing on from before we digressed, I am still undecided on how to deal with a threat like you. Being a player from the game, you shouldn't be terminated anywhere else other than in its realm dictated to me by Kayaba Akihiko. However, you still have the potential to cause damage to necessary elements of the system. I am highly considering offlining you, and thus, killing you, but my programming hinders me from performing the action."

'Damn, Isaac Asimov. I never thought I would thank you for making the idea of the 3 Laws of Robotics. Though, this is an A.I. in this case.' "So, you want to fuck me up, but your pimp programmed you to be a bitch who can't even give me a haircut to one strand on my head. You wanna talk to Skynet? Or HAL-9000? Or Bass? Or VIKI? Or HK-47? Or G.L.A.D.O.S.? Or even Wheatley, perhaps? Wheatley is always a nice guy to have around. Bionic friends forevs, really."

Cardinal stayed silent as if in deep thought until his hologram glitched for a second. My hand waved over his face. He only looked off to the distance.

"Oi, you okay?"

His head slowly turned back to me.

"This is the 'oh, shit' moment right here, eh?" I voiced. (**Damn straight. Do something funny before she blows.**) "Blows me? Bow chicka bow wow," I joked for the author's and readers' amusement, "Yeah, that was gay."

"Procedure: terminate _Sword Art Online_ player username 'Varlancer'. Username has violated and has been reported for the following: harassment, defamation, spamming, obscene and vulgar language, illegal drugs and activities, advertising non-beneficial, non-RECT Progress Inc.-related businesses, organizations, and websites; hindering teammates by intentional death, release of personal information, alluding to racial, ethnic, and national prejudices; referring to extreme sexual and violent acts, insulting sexual orientation, insulting religious orientation, exploiting bugs, abuse of game mechanics, copyright infringement, and continual breaking of the fourth wall."

"I never thought it'd come to this, GrimRangerLock3001 and Akihiko Kayaba. I honestly never thought it did," I said in a grave tone, then I snapped … again, "SO WHY THE HELL DID YOU GIVE CARDINAL SUCH A SHITTY REPORT SYSTEM FOR FUCK'S SAKE? AND WHO THE FUCK REPORTED ME?"

(**Back to the author of this story… (while 'grilling a hot dog', and having puffs of smoke fill the room): AH DUN GIV A FUK!**)

(_In the Knights of the Blood Oath's HQ …_)

Heathcliff turns to the side and sneezes. Wiping his nose with his red sleeve, he thought, 'Hmm, I'm sure I had Kuradeel turn on the heater in the castle. Stone walls get cold way too easily, and that one shopkeeper's sale for 90% off all red clothes last Christmas already sold out by the time I got there. Some demonic girl took the last red scarf. "Sucasa", wasn't it? No, that name's ridiculous.' He looked at the pile of papers in front of him. His eyes rolled backwards, and his hands swept away the useless sheets of boredom. "Fuck this," he said, "Time to pwn some n00bs in Arena." He opens a window in a conjured monitor from his desk. "Lvl. 74 Death Knight, meet lvl. 250 Paladin."

(_Now back to Varlancer and a batshit-insane Cardinal System_)

"Okay, you're being scary as hell, and I'm about to piss my pants. I get that," I equipped my shield and an ice cream cone, "But can I say something in my defense?"

The Cardinal system instantly replied with a cold warning, "You have 30 seconds till you are permanently banned from the game and have your player status revoked. This will mean imminent death for your avatar."

"Then I die in real life. Blah blah, I was in Episode One and heard the fuckin' 'tutorial', yeah. But now you have to do something right now in this artificial dreamscape-thingy that is technically on a _Frozen_ mountain. Like you seriously have to."

"_Nani?_"

I bit off some ice cream and, well, sang, "_Let it go~._"

Immediately; swords, spears, clubs, maces, daggers, poison, and everything else that's a danger to my health bar came flying at me. Naturally, I had to defend myself. Knocking away the flying weapons, my shield and super MLG skillz kept me alive and singing this goddamn song. I have been procrasti-training my childhood time in the shower for this ever since I watched the movie. And, holy shit, I thought I had to go to Mt. Everest to make this feel cool. (**Badum-tsss~**) (Really?) (**Couldn't help but notice. *Shrug***)

"_Let it go~~. Can't hold me back anymore~~._" Cardinal kept throwing shit at me, like he just went apeshit with his bananas. Except bananas normally give you +1/+1, not minus over 8000. I ran like hell itself wanted to drag me back to it, and soon I found an oval door along the way.

Looking back at the hologram swirling malevolently in a storm of swords, I turned away right after and twerked in front of him. "_Turn away and slam the door!~~_" Of course, I made sure to slam the door as I passed through it. Come on, why else am I following the song lyrics?

But, the door for some reason that makes me think of _Portal_, drops me from the ceiling right behind someone. Guess who it is? Is it a) my sister who'll call me an _ecchi_, b) your mom who I showed my _sword_, or d) Elsa? … Bitch, please, it was c) Cardinal because you such a dumbass bitch for not noticing me not put a 'c' option. (And I didn't even meet your mom. Never heard of a 'your mom' joke in COD chat?)

So, I fell down to the ground and noted to myself, "Never twerk when escaping insane A.I. after my ass." Later, I continued from where I left off.

"_I!_" Dodged a spear. "_NEV-!_" Whew, that axe was a close one. "_-ER!_" Whoo, I punted that pebble right back at'cha, you son of a bitch. "_GAVE!_" Whoa, watch the hair! "_A SOL-!_" You can cut me … "_-IT-!_" You can cut my hair … "_-AR-!_" I'm gonna fuckin' stab a bitch. "_-Y FUUUUUUUUUUCK~!_" Can't touch dis, SON!

My common sense is tingling. Why I never bothered with the shit ton of pointy stuff surrounding me in a clusterfuck of doom? Honestly, it's because …

"'_Cuz Thrall is JAYZUUUUSSS!_ Ow!" Son of a bitch got me, didn't he? (**Dumb-child-Lock: Yesh, Daddy.**) "Well, I DON'T CARE!" Another sword stabbed me. "Aw, fuck me." Then, it was just a blur of a colossal rapefest. "Shit! Fuck me in the ass. Finger-fucking Kentucky Fried Chicken! Fuck my legs! Fuck my arms! Fuck my fists! Fuck my face! Fuck my mouth! Fuck my dick! Fuck my life! Fuck me right in the pussy! Wait, what?"

"You have been terminated," Cardinal reported after observing my obviously fucked-up state.

I laughed at his comment, "Can't kill the unkillable, Arnold. And, guess what? I'm unkillable." My hands tore off a spear shaft. "Okay, this actually hurts." Then, a sword. Then, an axe. Then, a stave. Then, a mace. Then, a fistful of knives. Then, more and more weapons were ripped out and clanged on the floor. Sure, I was full of holes, but they'll be filled up sooner or later. (And that sounded wrong once again. *sigh* (Fuck me.) (**You ain't got a waifu, so no one will fuck you, sadly.**)

"There is zero percent probability that you will escape this dimension, so cease to resist." The Cardinal System grew in size and power around me. Adding to the millions of weapons surrounding me, hexagonal barriers crackled with power, monsters spawned out of nowhere, and there's the fact that I don't see an exit. The red hologram continued its advance towards me.

"What else do you say in your defense?" his voice grew more demonically robotic with each word.

(**That'd actually be cool. A demon robot. Like a Mecha from Hell, perhaps? Screw that, Highschool DxD has dragon-mecha armor, and that's good enough for me. With bonuses …**)

I racked my head for ideas. What can I do against a headhunting A.I.? Come on, science fiction, help me out here! Emp? Can't do it inside the actual system. Delete the program with some cyber weapons? Well, chances are the fucker has Immortal Object status. Saying something insane? This is a super-intelligent A.I. that doesn't do anything else but simulate an entire, living world for players we're talking about.

"Wait …" There it is. "Why haven't I thought of it before?" I exclaimed in realization. "Let's go Cretan on this bitch!" I said the following as clearly confusing as it possibly is, "You have to believe me on this. Everything I have said in this story and so on was a lie. Obviously, that means I am a liar. So, am I actually lying?"

Cardinal stopped in his tracks and paused to process the information, "Clearly, the answer is that you are …" *GLITCH**AFIE%&amp; #_TG(QABU $%T_GFQ RYQ%&amp;$VCNNQTV_G)TQC(%&amp;$^NCNF#QT"#$*

Everything froze and glitched from the paradox.

"Holy crap, that worked. Oldest trick in the book." I mentally patted myself on the back. "FREEDOM!" I beat down some random space in the dimension, and data broke apart to reveal the outside word of Aincrad on the other side. Glancing back at the glitching Cardinal, I casually saluted my farewell, "_The game never bothered me anyway.~_"

[|_6/26/24_| _Floor 55, Somewhere around the West Mountain_ | **Varlancer's P.O.V.**]

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire, isn't it?"

Currently, I guess I am somewhere around the normal altitude where people fall to their deaths like some stupidly unprepared skydivers. No biggie.

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING WITH ME?"

No biggie at all, despite my continual screaming and swearing. Just free-falling on my journey to be like the pancakes I have on weekends for breakfast. _Daijobou, minna_. _Mondainai._

"WHY DOES THIS BULLSHIT ALWAYS HAPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN? Oof!" I landed on something hard, breaking my fall. White-blue scales glistened in the dawn, and the screech of a dragon echoed my eardrums. Great. Just fuckin' great.

"What's up, Sapphiron?"

X'rphan roared upwards into the sky as I looked up in the same direction. I made out the two figures just soaring up into the heavens like I was just a few seconds ago. One of them had a brown coat, and the other was black.

"Adding another to the party guestlist, Kirito? Again?" I sighed.

The dragon gave a snort in response.

"Yeah, it's like I should keep track of how many girls he's gonna pick up like some kind of killstreak."

Its head turned to face me. Red eyes glowed with a fire for revenge.

"Hey, you're lucky I didn't kill you again after you Reincarnated. In fact, you might as well be my pet for some life debt bullshit by now."

I leaned away from a snap of its jaws. After I stood up and balanced myself on this flying meatsack, a sword went through this untamed mount. Altitude rapidly decreased in our plunge back to earth.

"Okay, how do you want it? Skyrim, Buster Blader, or Fairy?"

**[-]**

**Welcome back, subscribers, to another chapter of the **_**Sword Art Online**_** Let's Play! And GODDAMN does it feel good to finally get this chapter over with! School's back again, and I have to readjust from slacking off in the summer doing nothing but watching YouTube walkthroughs and anime.**

**So, checking out the reviews (T_T):**

**Skyar Triv: Thank you for reconfirming my insanity. I read chapter 8 and this very review everyday just to bring myself closer to accidentally lighting up vodka in my mouth. Thank you all the same for reviewing after ****that**** chapter.**

**Guest and SAO Grimpaler: Yeah, I tend to reference these anime a lot, so deal with it, readers. Besides, Fairy Tail openings, endings, and soundtracks are da shit. And, manly insanity is just something I use to fuel my character. I'm all fired up, just by asking, "Who in the hell –" and I won't finish this sentence.**

**ThousandMastery: Because it's what I'm here to do. Make your laughing box turn just a bit enough to have your barber miss that one lock of hair from your movement. Now, I dare you to snicker again. Or at least try grinning to hold it back.**

**So, Frozen on a snowy mountain, anyone? Who wouldn't have expected it?**

**GrimRangerLock, seeing you later. Bye.**


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